so many things... as long as i can remember my mom and a little later her ex-bf/roommate would talk about how we should just die. We were all poor, disabled, traumatized, and kinda just abandoned by society in a way. My mom would tell little 5-year-old me "let's go jump off a bridge". She'd tell me how she might die on the way to work. Even when i could go to school sometimes i couldn't focus because i'd think she'd never come back. She got so sick of my health issues she tried to end it at one point. "It's probably good your brother was a miscarriage, with my luck he woulda been gay" that hurt, i wanted my brother and i'm queer too. She started saying things were my fault, that i was dangerous, that i was gonna be killed or kill others whether by accident or on purpose. Near the end she started saying how i would kill her someday. It's like all three of us were wondering who was gonna be the one to kill the other two. i left, she died of medical neglect for easily treatable conditions. i'm not mad anymore about the situation, she got a really bad deal in her life and i believe she's done her recovery in the afterlife so parts of me can love her again. I'm really scared i'll pass away like she did, in a home i hate, sick and miserable, with no one to help me. I've tried really hard to escape her fate and that of my much older sister, i've tried to do the right things but alot of times i feel like it's impossible. The abyss in my dreams that kept trying to pull me in only spoke once but it said "you can't escape me forever", it's been awhile but i haven't escaped it yet i don't think. i was also told that there's nowhere in the world for me, that no one can help me, that i'm a liar, that i'm not trying, that everything's my fault, that others in my situation would kill themselves... that someone i care about getting a likely deadly illness was my fault because "none of this ever happened before you got here" and "if he dies it's because of you". gaslighting denial of reality leading to major issues was super triggering. And what wasn't supposed to be but has felt like a final "Goodbye" from someone important. idk where i picked it up but "Pathetic" has been a reoccurring word in my painful thoughts, it's the core of how i've felt about myself with all the trauma and ablism and the world just being the terrible place it is. i'm so overwhelmed and tired.