Discussion What's stopping you?

[Afterman]

I've failed enough attempts that I've learned this is not something I can force myself to do, so I stopped trying. When my day comes, I'll know.

What do you mean by that? You've completely stopped trying to ctb all together? Don't the suicidal thoughts way you down?

 

[Ben]

What do you mean by that? You've completely stopped trying to ctb all together? Don't the suicidal thoughts way you down?

Yes, ive stopped fooling myself into think I have to ability to end my life under my own will, currently that is. Every time those thoughts pop into my head, they get clouded by all my failures, and the huge emotional toll the attempts and failures took on me. I'm trying to focus on getting better, and I'm familiar with suicide enough to the point those thoughts don't take control anymore.

My life is still shit, but I have a very strong "fuck it let's see what happens" mentality now. When and if my time to CTB comes, I'll deal with it then. Ive proven to myself I don't get to pick the date. I wish I could of succeeded, but each attempt changed me. For the better, for the worst, who knows. I don't really care anymore. I'm just living day by day.

 

[LifeSick]

I don't have my supplies ready, but I roughly know where to get SN and the rest of the drugs. What's stopping me is my family, I can't stand the thought of the suffering they will have to endure, so I just try to deal with the suicidal thoughts the best I can.

 

[Justwantout]

I don't have the right supplies either. I made an attempt last week- benzos and suboxone. Didn't have enough apparently. I just took a job that's going to make me travel for 6 months and not have enough time by myself to do what I need to do. I know it's very difficult to ctb with just an OD but that's how I want to go- just drift off and never wake up. I wish I knew who to go to to get fentanyl off the street.

 

[Essie]

At first, that I didn't want to die. But my physical pain is overcoming that. So now it is that my methods (ligature and partial) are failing.

 

[Thoughtforms]

The fact that I'm on suicide watch and being assessed by a psych team every day

 

[Watson]

I'm still not sure on my method— that's what's stopping me.

I was researching overdosing in pills but felt discouraged after reading about the low success rate, and don't want to be alive even more fucked up.
I read an article that someone OD on 4 bottles of unisom, but after learning there's so many variables and not 100%, I'm researching more—
then will get whatever supplies.

Also not sure if I want to make it a "spur of a moment" type thing or set a date.

I did tell myself if my dog died, that it would be my time to go.
So here I am in the process.

 

[YukiFox]

1. Lack of a plan: I don´t have a immediate plan to CTB, but I started to accept my death. So, when I decide I have all the stuff, I will CTB.
2. Legacy: For someone it´s a foolish point, but I want to let some ouvres before I pass away. I don´t want to be remembered only for how and why I CTB.
3. Certain desires: I want to have a boyfriend MORE than a year at least, sleep together, waking up in the morning with him naked, and all the romantic activities with a partner. Seriously, I want to feel almost once again the sensation of being loved.

 

[MAIO]

It's not dark yet.

 

[piratemaverick]

To those who have all their supplies and materials at hand: what's stopping you? Have you set a specific date? Are you worried that when the date comes, you will put it off? Is the sense of security keeping you alive?

Family. Survival instinct. Not enough courage

 

[15dec]

My loved ones. Fear of being discovered and the consequences of that. Being so close to Christmas.

 

[Lefty]

Ending up in the hospital again. That if fails I'll end up worse off than I am. However despite this, I know eventually I'll do it. I just have too many problems to carry on with life.

 

[Trinity]

My best friend. I love her more than I love everything else in the world combined. We've been through so much together and she's given so much for me. The worst part is that I know she feels similarly about me; I'm pretty much her only friend. As far as I'm concerned my family can get over it, they couldn't care less about me. But the thought of my friend finding out that I died destroys me. When I think long enough about ctb, it gets to the point where I can almost hear her sobbing over my body. And I know she'd blame herself, thinking she could've been a better friend - which is not true. She's the best anyone could have ever been and to be honest I would have ctb years ago if not for her.
I don't want to put her through that. But I don't want to put myself through being alive anymore either. Either way its pretty rough.

 

[sólstafir]

laziness,family,painful method

 

[J Tizzle]

I'm in a 12 step fellowship and have been pretty active in the recovery community for the last 6 years. I know my ctb would be rough on the community.

Oddly, my best friend isn't what holds me back. She is the reason I haven't ctb a long time ago, and I'm so grateful for her. She's my favorite person in the world. I think she'd be sad if I died, but I honestly think she'd be fine. She has an amazing family and a good head on her shoulders, and I'm just really not that special.

My sister though - sheesh. I can't even think about my sisters reaction.

 

[Tequilamockingbird]

Scared of it not working. I'm thinking of the night night method that I read about on here or N if I could successfully purchase it.

 

[mki12518]

How overwhelming CTB is. Life is overwhelming too, so I feel like I am trapped in limbo where I can't live but I can't die either.

 

[wildisthewind]

Choice of method I wound up being too chickenshit to actually go through with (walking in front of a truck), my beautiful little boy, the realization that both my retired parents could drop dead upon finding out, differentiating between wanting to die and just not wanting to feel this right now.

 

[Comatose11]

I just need to get the elastics and then make my bag. Then I'm set. I also saw some other users on here are using the exit bag and using SN as a backup method. I thought that was a good idea. So I've ordered SN and anti emetics. But once I have everything, I'm still going to wait until early January. I will stick around for the holidays as much as I hate them and also agreed to do something for 3 weeks during the break. I have a sense of commitment. I can wait a few weeks if it means I don't let down the people who are depending on me.

 

[stargazer]

Basically it comes down to my circumstance: I have a method in mind.

The downside is, I can't do it in a hotel, I can't afford a hotel, still in my 20s and live at home with family, I'm a nervous wreck in public which would give my intentions away, and to top it all off I have no car and am usually just making ends meet financially.

So I keep trawling the updates from the SS partners mega-thread, waiting for some nice local Australian to share their resources/means, if they and I can work together.

I don't know how to word it properly, it's not so much mooching, it's not so much sharing, as I have nothing to contribute, I just can't do it alone. I really can't.

So. I wait.

 

[Jodes]

It's not dark yet.

?

 

[JustDie]

False hope for the future that I will be with people that I enjoy.

 

[Jodes]

False hope for the future that I will be with people that I enjoy.

I hope you'll find some here or anywhere. Don't be sure you won't? If it's what you want?

 

[mattwitt]

The holiday season and that my bills for this month are paid for

 

[MAIO]

?

I am going to attempt hanging tonight. I will let you know if I am still alive tommorow. Either way, I wish you well and hope you get what's best for you whether that is living a long life or ctb soon. I have put decades of thought into this descion and could easily write a book on it. While I am sympathetic to the many misconceptions, pro life propaganda etc those left behind will believe, I am not responsible for giving them the information in an attempt to give them a tool to understand. There emotions are their responsibility. I am not leaving a note for anyone and unfortunately I don't even have anyone I want to leave a note for. (Multiple people asked me to leave them a note if I go out this way but I don't want to write them one.) Farwell master of suicides.

 

[Jodes]

I am going to attempt hanging tonight. I will let you know if I am still alive tommorow. Either way, I wish you well and hope you get what's best for you whether that is living a long life or ctb soon. I have put decades of thought into this descion and could easily write a book on it. While those left behind will believe so many misconceptions, pro life propaganda I am not leaving a note for anyone and unfortunately I don't even have anyone I want to leave a note for. (Multiple people asked me to leave them a note if I go out this way but I don't want to write them one.) Farwell master of suicides.

Let this place be your book, and maybe your notes all ready

 

[MAIO]

Let this place be your book, and maybe your notes all ready

It's far to long for here. But I like that line.

 

[Jodes]

It's far to long of a book.

ummmm....lol????

 

[Nerdyartist85]

The grief I'd put my husband through, and the fear of surviving and being a vegetable (this being a bigger burden to my husband than I feel I already am).

 

[Kingkelly]

My family and my method ending up being painful and not working.