Discussion What's stopping you from going through with ctb?

[123die]

My son. And clinging to a microscopic crumb of hope that it will get better, and maybe the world won't die by 2050 (or whenever it's supposed to die by). Hope that (the part in the prophecy that predicted residential schools and colonialism) the prophecy saying Native youth will save the world is true. Hope that I actually am supposed to live, and that the universe will make it easier for me to survive.

 

[Chlo]

Family, specifically my brother. Lack of funds. Fear of the unknown.

 

[Watson]

Planning..!

I finally settled on CO for my method of CTB and I'm now in the process of testing charcoals and finding a nice spot for my last stop.

Testing is proving to be a bit difficult as I haven't had time to due to work, but hopefully soon!

 

[lizinha]

Survival Instinct. I'm pretty much waiting for another downfall of something to happen and that'll drive me to act impulsively on my method and finally finish the job.

 

[letmeseethedeath]

I have a method that will work but I'm scared of what happens after we die. I don't want to be alive, the pain of everything that's happened is too much but I can't get over the fear.

i feel the same way. i can't wait for dying but i'm so afraid to fail, to survive like a vegetal while my parents will blame me for everything like they already do. i'm struggling so hard. i just wanna end my meaningless life

 

[essbet]

SI in the past. Also I'd really like 4 hours at home alone (probably 5-6 to include setup) to ensure that I'm dead before anyone comes home.

 

[NoYam88]

Fear of failing and becoming a vegetable. If all form of suicide is 100% successful I would be gone by now.

 

[RRH]

Despite having my N, I still don't feel completely at peace with the decision to ctb:

Guilt over the effect my ctb would have on my parents.

My obligation to work.

Bad timing - now would be too close to family and friend's birthdays. I don't want their birthday to be associated with my date of death.

 

[David Richardson]

I'm scared of getting caught, failing, and going into a vegetative state. Even if I don't go into a vegetative state I'll have to go through a long healing period, probably involving a liver transplant and spending time in a psych ward. I'm also scared that people will think that I'm selfish, and will just hate me for it.

 

[whatever1111]

I'm not sure - definitely don't feel like it's hope, so I guess fear and lack of method. I'm also worried about my
mother, but that's probably not the crucial reason. A lot has to do with, I think, my way of functioning - I'm not
strong willed, I overanalyze, I'm used to taking crap from life and trying to stay stoic.
In a couple of words, I wish I had poison, or a gun lol.

 

[Memento Mori]

hope


the wish to fix some things for loved ones before leaving


the wish to feel some symphathy again?


i dont know. lazyness lol

 

[Final Escape]

I went off adderall and makes me less impulsively suicidal I guess at least for now. I have to admit it's much more intense and frequent on the stimulant medication.

 

[ThisIsTheEnd]

Mostly just my SI not letting me just do it.

 

[dmoroden]

I'm afraid as well I have a gun but not sure where to aim it I have the rope and hanging pole but not sure if its going to work

to the head? i wish i had a gun...

 

[DepressionsAHo]

I don't want to hurt my parents who have given me everything I could have ever wished for. That's why I've started therapy this week, to give life another chance.

I hope it works for you. I really really do

 

[color_me_gone]

even ask for her permission, she once told me she respects my decision

Wow, that is pretty fucking awesome!
Your mom must be the most unselfish person on the planet.

 

[color_me_gone]

Holdups. in order of importance:
1. Not want to hurt my wife and 3 friends which I love dearly
2. Waiting for wife to go out of town to have tank of N2 delivered
3. Survival Instinct
4. Fear of messing up my method
5. Fear of what is on the other side (pretty confident of just non-existence - but we never know, do we?

Non-issues for me:
Both my parents are dead
Both stepkids are middle age, married, with their own lives and kids
Agnostic, so no morality problems with ctb

(I couldn't possibly ctb if I was still raising kids, biological or not.)

 

[KiraLittleOwl]

My SO.

 

[Vaughn]

Not having Nembutal. If i was going through DIGNITAS, it would be enjoyable. The worries of waking after a fake dose would be very painful.

 

[Ch92921]

But what it it can't be fixed? Like what if the emotional pain of memories and physical pain can't be fixed?

Then suicide is a option,

 

[Leafs1201]

The little bit of hope I have that my children change their minds and want to see me, I stupidly had an affair and got the woman pregnant, I now live with the woman and have a beautiful 16 month old little girl with her, BUT I'm just not at ease with myself over what I done to my wife and 3 children, I haven't seen them 3 since the little one was born 16 months ago and they just don't want anything to do with me as I hurt them all so much, I have little hope left that they will ever forgive me and see me again but if I ever lose that little bit of hope them I'm gone for good, Beachy Head is a 90 minute drive for me and I checked it out a while ago so that would be my way to go.

 

[SirChuxAlot]

What little family I have left. While it isn't impossible to put that behind me, I want to at least attempt to fix areas of myself before I follow through with CTBing so as I look back, I can say I tried what I could.
I do believe they would understand in the longrun.

 

[Darkhole]

Getting everything in order. It's very important to me that I be cremated and that there is no funeral. I also want to destroy my journals but not sure how or if I could. Then there's my online presence..I just want everything wiped.

 

[Jolene40]

The little bit of hope I have that my children change their minds and want to see me, I stupidly had an affair and got the woman pregnant, I now live with the woman and have a beautiful 16 month old little girl with her, BUT I'm just not at ease with myself over what I done to my wife and 3 children, I haven't seen them 3 since the little one was born 16 months ago and they just don't want anything to do with me as I hurt them all so much, I have little hope left that they will ever forgive me and see me again but if I ever lose that little bit of hope them I'm gone for good, Beachy Head is a 90 minute drive for me and I checked it out a while ago so that would be my way to go.

I think your kids would come round if you persistently and consistently try to engage with them no matter how much they reject you. What you did wasn't great but you left the ex not them and they need to always know that. Your ex may be alienating them from you which isn't fair. Good luck getting your kids back in your life x

 

[Redt2go]

I think your kids would come round if you persistently and consistently try to engage with them no matter how much they reject you. What you did wasn't great but you left the ex not them and they need to always know that. Your ex may be alienating them from you which isn't fair. Good luck getting your kids back in your life x

Just be careful this could turn into stalking

 

[Jolene40]

Just be careful this could turn into stalking

I never even thought of that; very good point. Such a sad situation to be alienated from your own children like this.
I don't know a safe way of letting your kids know you are there consistently. A counsellor - if you have the strength and money- would help you figure out the best approach. There's still lots of hope. You deserve the chance to have relationships with your children.

 

[justabouttobedone]

My loved ones and a little hope of recover from the damage caused by overdose.

 

[Leafs1201]

I think your kids would come round if you persistently and consistently try to engage with them no matter how much they reject you. What you did wasn't great but you left the ex not them and they need to always know that. Your ex may be alienating them from you which isn't fair. Good luck getting your kids back in your life x

They do indeed think I didn't want them anymore, basically I was given a chance to go back home and work at things but only if I agreed to never ever see the baby from the affair and I couldn't do that so they all think I choose the baby over them all, I have no contact with any of my 3 children and that's what makes it so hard to function every day, I try my hardest to just get on with things and give my all to the 16 month old but part of me is already dead without my other 3 and I just have zero energy and can't be arsed anymore.

 

[Jolene40]

They do indeed think I didn't want them anymore, basically I was given a chance to go back home and work at things but only if I agreed to never ever see the baby from the affair and I couldn't do that so they all think I choose the baby over them all, I have no contact with any of my 3 children and that's what makes it so hard to function every day, I try my hardest to just get on with things and give my all to the 16 month old but part of me is already dead without my other 3 and I just have zero energy and can't be arsed anymore.

That's an impossible ultimatum you were given. Can you write them letters? I don't know how old they are. Ex needs to not intercept It as it sounds like she's alienating them. A letter for them each would give you the chance to express your love and commitment.
My ex left me and my son. It took time for me to come round although I never ever used little one against him. Anger does go in the end and I hope your Ex comes round. She is without question influencing the kids' view of you and their view of your love for them.
I learnt that you have to use the nice approach even if you want to punch them in the face. Could you write to your Ex also. Tell her how sorry you are for the hurt in a confident non grovelling but sincere way. Explain how much you want to see your children. Make it as nice as possible but be assertive. She probably wants to punish you indefinitely for this so you have to play the game.

I know when you feel so low it's hard to find the strength. I know your kids will love you they are just angry. If the nice approach does not work then threaten action if you have the strength. I wouldn't pull that card until you've exhausted all options.

You had an affair, so what. People do much worse and she will have to just get over it. Stop punishing yourself. There is so much hope there, you just may have to play the long game.
I think the letters are definitely the best option at the moment. Hope there is a way of getting them to the children / they are old enough to read them.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

Terror. I need painless and instant.