whats stopping u?

[ayla]

my eating disorder is the only thing keeping me alive loll its crazy since it's practically killing me but i wont let myself ctb unless i meet my goal weight. im almost there so im excited

 

[nomoredolor]

I thought I had overcome the guilt of leaving my love ones. But trying to write the note to my sister broke me.

Other individuals such as my counselor and loved ones have helped keep me alive.

I try to make lists of reasons to stay alive Like
- reading all the Stephen King books (I live in Maine USA)
- seeing new tv shows and movies and anime
- wanting to someday have a relationship with a woman, I'm currently married to a man
- travel

I don't know if these things are in the cards for me. I don't think I can stand the pain of daily living and knowing there's just more suffering withheld for me. But for now I am surviving day to day, moment to moment.

Hugs to you. I wish you relief whether it be in life or death.

 

[ayla]

I try to make lists of reasons to stay alive Like
- reading all the Stephen King books (I live in Maine USA)
- seeing new tv shows and movies and anime
- wanting to someday have a relationship with a woman, I'm currently married to a man
- travel

the tv / movie reason also helps me a lot! something that i was told years ago thats always stuck with me is "if you have to write letters then you still have reason to belong". its saved me a few times

i hope you get to do everything on your list someday <3 best of luck

 

[Tac0Johnz]

okay same.. i was planning on waiting until i hit my goal weight but decided against it since I don't wanna wait another few months to lose the rest of my weight :/ rn the only thing stopping me is my fam walking in on me mid ctb since its only 11 am

 

[Trav1989]

my eating disorder is the only thing keeping me alive loll its crazy since it's practically killing me but i wont let myself ctb unless i meet my goal weight. im almost there so im excited

In regards to your post, completely understandable. I've thought about hitting the gym and getting in shape again so I leave a "sexy corpse" instead of a mediocre one a few times.

As for what's keeping me here though?

Hope.

I know it may be misplaced and it will be quite the ordeal if what I desire does happen but if my ex-wife showed up on my door one day and apologized to me and asked to give things another try I'd forgive her. I would make sure that we were on the same page though and boundaries would be set with those who brought her life to ruin, as in being CUT OFF forever and the meth usage would have to end as well.

If all of those things happened I would gladly take her back and possibly re-marry her again someday.

I feel like that is a possibility. Low but possible.

I'm not religious but I have prayed she will escape the life she is in with tears in my eyes and a cigarette in my mouth late at night after waking up from dreams where we are together again.

I've done the best I can in this life and I know that if there is some entity out there who would even care enough to listen to me something must be done to right this wrong and if such doesn't happen we clearly must be alone as a species, simple as that.

There is no way to solve this issue myself, it is completely and utterly out of my hands and I don't even know if my ex-wife is still alive but it's been a year and a half and the last time we talked she was addled out of her mind on drugs.

I feel like once she snaps out of it and understands her situation she will someday escape her personal hell and show up at my front door and then if/when that happens we are packing our things into my truck and leaving that night and moving to a small town a few states away. I have the means and the money for it as I comment this.

I know the odds of such happening are less than a coin flip but I have to know. I'm not sure how long I can go without using my SN but I'm on the edge right now and either I get pushed over the side or pulled off and the only thing that will do the latter is if the only woman I ever have/will ever love comes back.

I'm not dating again, I'm not sleeping with anyone else, I'm not doing anything more or less than I have to right now until something does or doesn't happen in regards to this. I've drawn a line in the sand and cut off all the women I was talking to who I thought could fill the void and I'm going all or nothing because I'm never going to be able to tolerate living this life anymore without her and I'm done tricking myself into believing that isn't the case.

To hell with everyone else in our lives who just made things worse, my family and friends told me to leave her when she was at her lowest because "I can do better" and her family and friends did the same towards her with the addition of meth.

If neither of us would have listened to others and trusted ourselves she wouldn't be in her situation of drugs and prostitution and I wouldn't be alone and miserable.

Either way I'm likely going to CTB because I guess we all know deep down that miracles happen no more than disasters do.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

Lack of peaceful suicide methods, being too scared to attempt a brutal suicide method, procrastination by being "addicted" to random, irrelevant and boring (everything is boring tbh) things in life and living with extremely overprotective parents that have taken away any autonomy that I could have used to try and kill myself.

 

[darkenmydoorstep]

Access to something that's easy go
administer, reliable and pain free.
That is all.

 

[Meowers]

Me it's self harm. Scratches the itch of suicidal thoughts somewhat. Also guilt, not wanting to hurt anybody by my eternal absence.

 

[ham and potatoes]

The only thing keeping me here is not wanting to hurt my loved ones.....

 

[ayla]

okay same.. i was planning on waiting until i hit my goal weight but decided against it since I don't wanna wait another few months to lose the rest of my weight :/ rn the only thing stopping me is my fam walking in on me mid ctb since its only 11 am

i can understand not wanting to wait <3 best of luck to you!

 

[nooneishome]

1. Fear of failure. I've survived so many attempts at this point and failing is such an awful experience. The disappointment and judgement from people in my life when they find out I've attempted *again*, being involuntarily admitted to a psych hospital and being mistreated by mental health professionals.
2. My dog. He's my whole world and would likely end up in a shelter (or worse) if I die.
3. My mom. I'm all she has and she says she'll kill herself if I kill myself.

 

[Sunset Limited]

My mom.

 

[WildAtHeart]

My girlfriend, if I go she will go. My parents and brother also, but as selfish as it sounds my girlfriend more than anyone.

I've had a… bumpy relationship with my parents and brother to say the least but even so, they still are stopping me from trying a third time.

 

[verdedefome]

The knowledge that I'll die regardless, I think I have the privilege of choosing when to do it, so I'm not in a hurry.

 

[HereTomorrow]

It's not my time.

First time I attempted, I knew it was my time.

My dates to CTB almost never work out because I don't feel like it is time when it comes.

This "time", feels like peace to me. It's hard to explain, but when your mind feels truly at peace and ready to pass on, all stress ever is gone. It feels like "white" in a single word. That time made me believe I could just CTB and be okay with it. It's like I got a invitation to heaven by God himself.

I'm hurting a lot. I hate my life's circumstances. I hate living on edge from being overwhelmed by my past almost every other day for years. But despite it all, it's not my time. I will know when it is my time. And until then, even throughout all these pains, I will keep going.

 

[Praying 4 a Miracle]

Still hoping that things will get better, you just never know. I remember what things were like when my life was great, and I really want to go back to that.

 

[LunarLight]

Two things: I do think it's not my time yet as amisulpride helped me feel not suicidal anymore and I still have money for heroin for the moment.
And, of course, my partner. Can't leave them like this.

 

[lastch]

I know that my life has changed for the worst and I have very little chance of it getting better but there's a part of me that longs for my old life and that I could somehow get it back. I know that I won't and I'm holding on to nothing. I also feel tremendous guilt for leaving my family behind.

 

[FujoshiNeet]

My cat. The methods I would want to do could hurt her. Even SN, I worry about her lapping up my vomit or something.

 

[Throwawaysoul]

I don't fully trust the peacefulness of SN, I also don't like the time it takes and don't want to rush the gas method.

 

[xhelx]

The fact that I feel like I don't deserve to have the luxury of death. Someone would have to deal with my body after I die. The medical professionals, the police, my parents, they didn't ask for this, it's unfair to them and it feels selfish. Dealing with a corpse is no fun, especially since I died by my own will, fully knowing someone will have to deal with it. Also I feel a deep guilt about how much money and time my parents spent on me, I feel like I owe them so much. I have a few good people in my life, I'd just feel bad to make them go through this. I certainly wouldn't mind CTB after I made everything "fair"

 

[brokeandbroken]

my eating disorder is the only thing keeping me alive loll its crazy since it's practically killing me but i wont let myself ctb unless i meet my goal weight. im almost there so im excited

I'm not sure honestly. There's some small hope justice is reached in what happened to me. I suppose I want to see what that looks like. Maybe within it is a new beginning and I get a new lease on life. Maybe there's nothing there at all. Maybe it ends with me dead. I don't know. But it seems like I have to see it through. And also i know if things are different I can be happy. I know it is possible. That said I do get closer everyday.

 

[sevennn]

waiting if my tinnitus improves after a flare up. if it doesn't i'll have to die :,(

 

[vanillamilkshakes]

Have to see a few people before I go, I want people to see me one last time.

 

[offtoseethewizard]

Is anyone going to be honest and say SI??

 

[Lil_Keybordwarrior]

Sometimes there are phases which make it seem like things are looking up. At the same time, rn I have the problem that I am terribly scared of the reaction of my family as well as the act itself (that sucks a lot cause I was over that at some point in the past). The worst phases are the ones were you are not depressed enough to think about actually going through with it in general but just indifferent to everything in that regard. Id say thats probably also the reason why I am still around.

 

[jisi]

first of all, i just want to say that i'm really sorry that you're suffering with an eating disorder. i've also been there and it was genuinely unbearable. i'm sure you know this already, but the thing with eating disorders (or at least restrictive ones) is that it usually just gives you a false sense of control, especially when it comes to meeting a goal weight. what i mean by this is that i don't think it's possible for anyone to be completely satisfied with it and you'll always want to do more. i know what it's like and it's truly heartbreaking to know that countless other people are going through the same. i'd never even wish this on upon my worst enemy. my heart goes out to you <3

as for my own personal reason, i have a story concept that's been stuck in my head for over 2 years and i've been working on it and getting better at art so i can draw it out. it only started as a way for me to kill time because i have a lot of fun doing it, despite me knowing that it'll go absolutely nowhere. for some reason, i feel as if a part of me sees potential in it but i'm not a good enough artist or writer so it's just meaningless. it's stupid really.

 

[EmptyCurtainCall]

i know it's not much of a story but absolutely nothing. initially, i was waiting for my birthday but i realized there's nothing special that will fill my time. my birthday is not far from now, but if i had the opportunity to ctb i'd probably do it right this moment. i have no reason to wait, just need to get all the necessary products. i've already got one source found and i'm looking for more. nothing sentimental holding me back unfortunately :( .. i'm sure i'm not the only one w this circumstance tho. i just have a pathetic life.

 

[pariah80]

Nothing. I planned one last trip with some friends, and after that, I'm going to the hotel room I booked and pulling the trigger.

 

[Redacted24]

Just need to close out this life. Sever all the relationships, get finances in order, donate all the rest of the stuff I won't need anymore.
and just maybe after I no longer have any relationships, I'll figure out if it's worth sticking around.