user7
New Member
- Jul 4, 2025
- 1
TW: detailed trauma, SH, dissociation, suicidal ideation
im 18 currently, and i think if thinks keep going the way they are ill become a vegetable. i almost feel like this is some kind of message telling me that i should kill myself now, before its too late. and i genuinely believe this. i hit all the boxes. i had abusive parents. i have no friends. i have no family. im autistic. im short. recently ive been getting dark spots on my feet from not washing and stretch marks from weight gain and loss. and that doesnt help either. i have scars all over my legs from SH as well, and my gums are recessed because I didn't brush my teeth for a long time. one of my only hopes that stopped me from committing suicide a lot when i was back at my parents home is gone now too. that was one of my dreams, and im autistic so this isnt just a "find something different" problem. that was my special interest, and now its gone forever. none of the medication theyve given me has helped. and it doesnt help that i have every controversial opinion you could possibly have. like, why cant i just think the same way other people think? i have some opinions that i'd straight up be burned alive for despite them being logically coherent. i feel like as time goes on the more knowledge i uncover and the more i hate this world and want to kill myself. i just dont have the guts to do it though. Maybe i will eventually, ive felt like that before, like i have the will to do it, but its mostly because i cant make it poetic. I cant feel enough empathy for myself to allow myself to die and end my sufferig.
i used to be very determined, stubborn, but i have been slowly broken down, bit by bit until there is nothing left. A lot of the time i dont even feel like im worth dying, i deserve to keep suffering and i dont deserve to kill myself.
I have CPTSD from the main trauma of my parents but its like ive been creating mini-ptsds for myself. now whenever i think back to the other day when i disassociated and didnt feel like i was in this universe i start feeling sick and my mouth gets all watery and my body hurts more. I cant remember any good memories anymore, and its been like that for a long time, my memory is so bad that people frequently tell me that ive told them things before and i get genuinely confused when they tell me, and i cant study because i forget everything i learned and my head starts hurting.
I have more to write but just writing this was extremely exhausting and triggering for me so i decided to end it here. I know i could leave this for later but i think ill just forget if i dont post this now.
Thank you
- user7
im 18 currently, and i think if thinks keep going the way they are ill become a vegetable. i almost feel like this is some kind of message telling me that i should kill myself now, before its too late. and i genuinely believe this. i hit all the boxes. i had abusive parents. i have no friends. i have no family. im autistic. im short. recently ive been getting dark spots on my feet from not washing and stretch marks from weight gain and loss. and that doesnt help either. i have scars all over my legs from SH as well, and my gums are recessed because I didn't brush my teeth for a long time. one of my only hopes that stopped me from committing suicide a lot when i was back at my parents home is gone now too. that was one of my dreams, and im autistic so this isnt just a "find something different" problem. that was my special interest, and now its gone forever. none of the medication theyve given me has helped. and it doesnt help that i have every controversial opinion you could possibly have. like, why cant i just think the same way other people think? i have some opinions that i'd straight up be burned alive for despite them being logically coherent. i feel like as time goes on the more knowledge i uncover and the more i hate this world and want to kill myself. i just dont have the guts to do it though. Maybe i will eventually, ive felt like that before, like i have the will to do it, but its mostly because i cant make it poetic. I cant feel enough empathy for myself to allow myself to die and end my sufferig.
i used to be very determined, stubborn, but i have been slowly broken down, bit by bit until there is nothing left. A lot of the time i dont even feel like im worth dying, i deserve to keep suffering and i dont deserve to kill myself.
I have CPTSD from the main trauma of my parents but its like ive been creating mini-ptsds for myself. now whenever i think back to the other day when i disassociated and didnt feel like i was in this universe i start feeling sick and my mouth gets all watery and my body hurts more. I cant remember any good memories anymore, and its been like that for a long time, my memory is so bad that people frequently tell me that ive told them things before and i get genuinely confused when they tell me, and i cant study because i forget everything i learned and my head starts hurting.
I have more to write but just writing this was extremely exhausting and triggering for me so i decided to end it here. I know i could leave this for later but i think ill just forget if i dont post this now.
Thank you
- user7
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