whats preventing you from fully recovering?

[snowlance]

My family

 

[scuppernong]

A friend's death. I keep thinking of what I did and what I didn't do, and wishing he were alive and I was alive, or he were dead and I were dead. And I've always had this sort of tunnel vision, where when I want something I would do anything to get it. I don't care about anything more than this, but I need to let the dead rest and continue on instead of resting with them because that's what he wanted.

Life is fine right now. But I feel deep regret about what used to be and what could've been. I think rose-tinted glasses are a big part of it. I see how much happier I could've been, that what I currently have just feels like garbage in comparison. I still have the job that I don't like (but trying to get out of it), the friends that I don't find insightful (is that the word? interacting with them just isn't interesting for various reasons), the relationship that is fine but doesn't compare to the compatibility of the friendship I had with my lost friend, and the mood that is normal but not pure euphoria. Sometimes I want to throw my life out the window just for the gamble that there's an afterlife and I'd see him and be able to stop regretting. But I know that it would be selfish, and that I have created an idealized image of him. And I'm also scared that he'd be disgusted with me if he knew how I truly was as a person. Terrible, selfish, and obsessive, creepy even.

I think a better question for me is why I'm not dead. I wish I had never existed in the first place. But now that I exist, I have irrational emotions and an innate desire to continue existing. I hate it, because once a person exists, what they experience is almost mostly undesirable, just for their mind to keep telling them they want to keep existing because of the 1% that is. It's very irrational and I wish that survival instinct would stop. I can easily say that I would live it all again, that I would be in pain for years, just to know him for another day and the desire to fulfill what he wanted. Hah. I don't want to feel this way at all, but I do which is why I'm not going to ctb.

i hear you.

 

[iori011x3]

the fact that i cant help but feel like one of my friend groups completely betrayed my trust. and the fact that i dont talk to half of them cuz they cut me off.

cant help but want to stay here to maybe see if everything will go back to normal.

 

[darkenmydoorstep]

I think it's that I don't see the point, that I know I'd be better off dead.

Life is such a treadmill, logic tells me that you never fully 'recover', you merely wait, get a short reprieve for a while then descend again. Rinse and repeat.
Why would I want to keep repeating that over and over when I can just rest eternally? (As far as I know anyway).

 

[Life_and_Death]

still being in an abusive household probably does it
humans kicking me while im down doesnt help, but if i was living alone, or even better with my bf that helps me love myself.....this sh!t would be a lot easier...

 

[scuppernong]

I think it's that I don't see the point, that I know I'd be better off dead.

Life is such a treadmill, logic tells me that you never fully 'recover', you merely wait, get a short reprieve for a while then descend again. Rinse and repeat.
Why would I want to keep repeating that over and over when I can just rest eternally? (As far as I know anyway).

i hear you.

 

[Anonymoususer1234]

Lack of stability.

 

[Slaanesh]

Regret.

Regret about my past failures, my shit grades, the lack of friends I made at uni, my total lack of acquired skills.

Some things can't be fixed, you can't travel back in time, you can only regret the fucks ups you made and live with them until you die.

 

[F@#$]

Because I know it's too late.

 

[v089]

Def PTSD, even if I try to forget, I cannot. My parents fucked me up, even doing the dishes wrong gives me a panic attack and all I can see, feel, hear is my parents yelling at me, beating me, the stench and cold of my moldy house. Or if I try to have sex, one wrong move and I'm frozen afraid someone is going to rape me again. And I can't even say anything. It happens even with most understanding partners and I feel there's nothing we can do.
Also my brain was always fucked up, I already had signs of depression when I was 4 years old (obviously no one did nothing about it, I was "just shy")
And I guess multiple overdoses on various meds didn't help it and it's kinda fried now.
But I'm trying, I'm hoping for better days to come.

 

[Disappointered]

I guess I'm just useless. i was always at the bottom of any environment i was in, starting with my family. i never demonstrated any ability to overcome the burdens placed upon me. i lived a long boring, pathetic childhood and adolescence. then i pretty much gave up on normal standards and did increasingly desperate things. nothing ever worked out. like another poster said, too many regrets. not much value to my life. i just try to make sure i leave something for one person i care about. but actually being happy? that stopped being possible long, long ago. in fact, at the time I didn't even realize that i'd crossed that cruel threshold. but now...yeah, i know.