whats preventing you from fully recovering?

[bluesoapyskies]

for me its a medical issue. i hope itll resolve soon but the shitty thing about it is that its one of those cases where you cant really control it.

with this issue out of the way, i doubt life would be perfect but it would sure be alot easier to find hope.

what about you?

 

[spinningship]

Probably having to see people who have been abusive towards me in the past on a day-to-day basis. It's a shame because uni is the time you're meant to put yourself out there and find your people and it's a lot harder with the fear of bumping into them constantly hanging over me.

 

[Hollowman]

Brain damage.

 

[Cepi]

Acne scars due to having OCD while having perfect skin my whole life.

 

[Harrow]

Medication-resistent depression. Even when everything is going well for me it comes back around and makes any situation miserable. Which makes me feel even more guilty because there are so many people in worse situations, and I should be able to just get over it.

I hope your situation improves/ becomes easier to manage, life is hard enough without medical issues and you deserve a painless life <3

 

[Celica45]

Living with my family. They're the reason I have c-ptsd and my mental health is just so bad i can't see myself getting a job to move out, but i really need to move out.

 

[UsagiDrop]

Because I know that it's possible for me to recover, but I also know that it's going to cost me a substantial amount of money seeing a professional (or two!) for the rest of my life and that I will have to spend the vast majority of my time micromanaging my moods and thoughts every single day. I can do it but I don't think that I could; better yet, I simply do not want to. I have a diagnosis that will likely always bring me back to the ideation every few months even with professional help and medications. Any support group I've ever been in is full of older people who preach how consistency and the right medication cocktail helps them, after like ten years of actually finding what works for them and being consistent with it. It's lovely for them, but it actually makes me feel more hopeless whenever I read things like that. Why bother, when I'm going to be a slave to the disorder forever? How much enjoyment can I really derive out of life if I need one or two or five pills daily just to live a relatively normal one?

Oh, and my nonexistent self-esteem always tells me that recovery is for people that deserve it, whatever "deserve" means. I feel like I am genuinely going nowhere in life, I don't really have much of a purpose or any passions, I find enjoyment in very little, I'm overwhelmingly negative about life in general instead of excited for it. So, there's nothing that really screams to me that I deserve to feel better or be here. Everything screams for a way out.

 

[S like suicide]

Living with my family. They're the reason I have c-ptsd and my mental health is just so bad i can't see myself getting a job to move out, but i really need to move out.

We are in the same situation basically so I feel you totally

In fact what it is preventing my full recovery is my shitty egoistical family...i was truly putting myself together this time and I really felt i could do it but no...not since my family enjoy put me down and push the knife in the wounds more deeply,i hate them but unfortunately this is the only family i have...i have no other and I am not the best in relating to others in the real world
Very often i only want die so I didn't have to belong to my family anymore...i need urgently to move from them but this ain't so easy in facts.
Lonliness doesn't help neither.

 

[HighFlight]

A lifetime of a variety of untreated mental health issues that exploded to the surface a few years ago, couple with not having another lifetime to fix it.

 

[S like suicide]

Because I know that it's possible for me to recover, but I also know that it's going to cost me a substantial amount of money seeing a professional (or two!) for the rest of my life and that I will have to spend the vast majority of my time micromanaging my moods and thoughts every single day. I can do it but I don't think that I could; better yet, I simply do not want to. I have a diagnosis that will likely always bring me back to the ideation every few months even with professional help and medications. Any support group I've ever been in is full of older people who preach how consistency and the right medication cocktail helps them, after like ten years of actually finding what works for them and being consistent with it. It's lovely for them, but it actually makes me feel more hopeless whenever I read things like that. Why bother, when I'm going to be a slave to the disorder forever? How much enjoyment can I really derive out of life if I need one or two or five pills daily just to live a relatively normal one?

Oh, and my nonexistent self-esteem always tells me that recovery is for people that deserve it, whatever "deserve" means. I feel like I am genuinely going nowhere in life, I don't really have much of a purpose or any passions, I find enjoyment in very little, I'm overwhelmingly negative about life in general instead of excited for it. So, there's nothing that really screams to me that I deserve to feel better or be here. Everything screams for a way out.

May I ask what kind of diagnosis do you have if it's not too intrusive?

I would just like to tell you that I understand how frustrating it can be and how helpless it can make you feel to be a slave to psychiatric drugs (which by the way I deeply hate and I believe is mainly destructive poison and I strongly advise against anyone but this is only my personal experience and opinion) and a life already decided but I just want to tell you that nothing is already decided in advance, who knows things could go differently ... you never know what could happen, each experience is unique and not always things go for you exactly as they went for others.
I think you desearve anything that you feel it could make you happy and bring you joy and i wish it for you.

My comment is probably useless but I still wanted to write it to you hope it will not bother you.

 

[UsagiDrop]

My comment is probably useless but I still wanted to write it to you hope it will not bother you.

It was not a bother at all. I can always appreciate kind words, thank you for taking the time out of your day to say those things to me. I know that we're all going through things, so genuinely, thank you for taking the time to uplift me.

May I ask what kind of diagnosis do you have if it's not too intrusive?

I have bipolar II, which isn't the worst of the bipolars in my opinion. I dislike the periods of hypomania I experience, I couldn't really imagine going through something more extreme but I have empathy for those that do.

It is true that there's still hope, that there are new experiences to be had, and that I don't really know what will happen. I've had some wonderful, unexpected things happen in my life within the last five years, I'm basically living an entirely different life than I was then, and it's why I stick around and put some efforts toward recovery/healing. Just enough to function daily for those that I stick around for without worrying them, most people think that I'm completely happy and fine with things. The problem is that even when these things happen, I don't really have a moment where I think it's all worth it. I'm still unhappy no matter what, the bipolar depression and my past suck all of the happiness, innocence and excitement out of me. Even when I was seeking help and when I was medicated, I didn't feel much better. I just felt calm, but still miserable.

I think I have a life that a lot of people would kill for, I don't want to take it for granted but sadly I also don't want to live it and I can't remember ever wanting to. It's a really weird place for me. It kind of feels like my depression decides for me.

 

[RavaLion]

I have bipolar II

Same here. The fact that I'm stuck in this never ending cycle of wanting to fix my life only to go crashing down to the lulls of depression and then getting some energy to maybe think I can fix it this time, only to once again find it futile finding myself in the depths of despair. I'm struggled with it my entire adult life and haven't made much progress, now find myself here in this forum contemplating CTB. It's not the only reason but it's been a massive anchor stopping any progress in life I could've had.

It is truly an awful disease.

 

[thatworthlessmale04]

The fact that I know that I caused both of my parents to suffer tremendously just by being born in the first place. Couple that with the fact that I'm an only child who is emotionally sensitive, always felt like an outsider in various aspects of life, and also doesn't deserve to live as much as everyone else, yeah you can see why I deserve to keep suffering until I CTB

 

[conarc]

The meaningless of life which was imposed by parents who never had a sense of responsibility.

 

[CTBookOfLife]

PANS/PANDAS causing horrific OCD (combined with not having a.. very supportive caregiver).

 

[bluesoapyskies]

Because I know that it's possible for me to recover, but I also know that it's going to cost me a substantial amount of money seeing a professional (or two!) for the rest of my life and that I will have to spend the vast majority of my time micromanaging my moods and thoughts every single day. I can do it but I don't think that I could; better yet, I simply do not want to. I have a diagnosis that will likely always bring me back to the ideation every few months even with professional help and medications. Any support group I've ever been in is full of older people who preach how consistency and the right medication cocktail helps them, after like ten years of actually finding what works for them and being consistent with it. It's lovely for them, but it actually makes me feel more hopeless whenever I read things like that. Why bother, when I'm going to be a slave to the disorder forever? How much enjoyment can I really derive out of life if I need one or two or five pills daily just to live a relatively normal one?

Oh, and my nonexistent self-esteem always tells me that recovery is for people that deserve it, whatever "deserve" means. I feel like I am genuinely going nowhere in life, I don't really have much of a purpose or any passions, I find enjoyment in very little, I'm overwhelmingly negative about life in general instead of excited for it. So, there's nothing that really screams to me that I deserve to feel better or be here. Everything screams for a way out.

i'm so sorry usagi. you dont deserve any of that. and look, if its any consolation, you absolutely deserve recovery just as much as the next person. its sad how on here we all feel like we're the worst most undeserving people, but, we cant all the "the worst" aha! i guess what i mean by that is that so many people feeling like they dont deserve anything, actually does the opposite. and i heard something interesting the other day. bad people dont self retrospect. bad people dont care that theyre bad. they dont even think about it, so the fact that it even pops up in your mind means that you care enough to self reflect. if you want things to, i hope they improve for you i really do. but if not, i wish you the best of luck in finding peace.

recovery is hard. the meds, therapy, it seems like recovery only applies to a certain tax bracket ahah.

 

[Marine]

Being invisible / rejected / worthless to the world for no rational reason.

Not having a face and body to live as a result right now.

Having no power over anything no matter what I do to get me out of nonsense hell.

 

[StolenLife]

Paranoia and fear of my abusers, as well as some sensory issues.

 

[Spike Spiegel]

I blame myself usually. I engage in self destructive behavior as a way to feel better in the moment , like drugs, smoking, staying up late skipping going to the gym. But afterwards I beat my self up for that behavior. usually that behavior will come after a period of doing and feeling really well. So I feel like I am in the perpetual cycle of one step forward and two steps back. I tell my self that if I cut out the negative behavior and stayed consistent that I would feel better. I tell my self its about will power. Which is why I beat my self up so much when I fall short. It is very hard just to stay level and not go from these highs to lows. I often struggle with the idea of trying to fight through my lows or giving in to them for a day and trying extra hard the next day.

 

[neonzebra]

What I believe is ADHD, and being chronically tired.
There are a lot of things I could do that I believe would help my quality of life but I struggle to even wash the dishes.
If I had focus and drive my house would be tidy, I would keep in touch with friends, I'd go to bed on time, and I'd have a job.

 

[AshClouds]

I don't think I'm recoverable anymore. I can't do anything to make myself better.

 

[S like suicide]

I think I have a life that a lot of people would kill for, I don't want to take it for granted but sadly I also don't want to live it and I can't remember ever wanting to. It's a really weird place for me. It kind of feels like my depression decides for me.

That's ok,don't ever feel guilty about it...depression is monstrous,it's not our fault if we have suicidal thoughts and we don't want to live...you are making great efforts to carry on despite everything and you are aware and thankful for everything that surrounds you.
Whatever happens I hope it's what you think it's the best for you. I hug you

 

[SecretDissociation]

Medication not working and strong feelings of hopelessness and numbness. It weighs on me and I can't see the light

 

[TheShadowKing]

Me actually accepting my sexuality and my mental problems

 

[shinitai_sh0jo]

Medical conditions (I think I'm in my 5th anti-depressant after trying to change from past ones);
Some specific events that involve specific family members.. and perhaps the sense of secondary gain (although I thought it was already in the past.); The strong sense of guilt and the inability of forgiving myself, and the feeling ill never be able to fully fit in in society, and that I'll end up all alone...

it's upsetting how my mind twists over from the past to a possible future in hours sometimes. The feeling I don't deserve all the care I receive from people around me, because I "don't deserve it."
I still feel like I am an awful person, and I'm not even sure why anymore.

 

[divinemistress36]

Brain damage.

Same

 

[Tired_of_myself]

No job, no future… everybody looks more sucessful than me and im afraid of losing all i build before… i hate feeling like this but i cant help it.

Also, Years of abusive relations… made me hate myself

 

[Trakehner]

Even if I were to "get better", the world isn't a place worth living in. I'll always be viewed as subhuman for things I have no control over.

Being an obedient wage slave until the end of my days? No thanks.

 

[penguinl0v3s]

A friend's death. I keep thinking of what I did and what I didn't do, and wishing he were alive and I was alive, or he were dead and I were dead. And I've always had this sort of tunnel vision, where when I want something I would do anything to get it. I don't care about anything more than this, but I need to let the dead rest and continue on instead of resting with them because that's what he wanted.

Life is fine right now. But I feel deep regret about what used to be and what could've been. I think rose-tinted glasses are a big part of it. I see how much happier I could've been, that what I currently have just feels like garbage in comparison. I still have the job that I don't like (but trying to get out of it), the friends that I don't find insightful (is that the word? interacting with them just isn't interesting for various reasons), the relationship that is fine but doesn't compare to the compatibility of the friendship I had with my lost friend, and the mood that is normal but not pure euphoria. Sometimes I want to throw my life out the window just for the gamble that there's an afterlife and I'd see him and be able to stop regretting. But I know that it would be selfish, and that I have created an idealized image of him. And I'm also scared that he'd be disgusted with me if he knew how I truly was as a person. Terrible, selfish, and obsessive, creepy even.

I think a better question for me is why I'm not dead. I wish I had never existed in the first place. But now that I exist, I have irrational emotions and an innate desire to continue existing. I hate it, because once a person exists, what they experience is almost mostly undesirable, just for their mind to keep telling them they want to keep existing because of the 1% that is. It's very irrational and I wish that survival instinct would stop. I can easily say that I would live it all again, that I would be in pain for years, just to know him for another day and the desire to fulfill what he wanted. Hah. I don't want to feel this way at all, but I do which is why I'm not going to ctb.

 

[scuppernong]

Medication-resistent depression. Even when everything is going well for me it comes back around and makes any situation miserable. Which makes me feel even more guilty because there are so many people in worse situations, and I should be able to just get over it.

I hope your situation improves/ becomes easier to manage, life is hard enough without medical issues and you deserve a painless life <3

it's the same with me. i've been living with depression for over 40 years. i'm currently seeking treatment, but it's been 4 months since i've had my medications adjusted and, while some days i feel content, most days i feel hopeless. there are no external contributing factors. my life situation is very good and i have lots of supportive people in my life. i feel guilty because, like you, i know many people who are much worse off. i feel ashamed of my medication-resistant depression. how long have you been suffering, if i may ask. no need to disclose if you don't want to.