GoodPersonEffed
Brevity is my middle name, but my name was TL
- Jan 11, 2020
- 6,728
@Apathy99
@BrokenBelt
I'd like to reply from a different perspective. Empathy can be understanding that someone just needs someone to listen and care that they're suffering. It doesn't have to mean taking on their suffering or solving their problems. More like holding a space where it's safe for their stuff to come out, to be gently held like a child.
Of course there are people who want someone to feel their misery, but that doesn't help anyone, that just makes two miserable people. I make a point to not connect with people like that anymore, they're never satisfied and can't be satisfied. I have empathy for whatever causes that, or more accurately, compassion.
Relationships are like a bank. If one keeps making withdrawals of empathy/support but doesn't replenish them for the other person, then they get rich and fat while the other person becomes poor and wasted.
I'm also reminded of something I heard Brené Brown say, we don't realize that the things we do affect other people. That's the point of laws of social order, such as the Five Precepts of Buddhism, to be aware that others exist with us and to hold back from harming them, since empathy does not always come naturally. For the Stoics, the focus was virtue, and the point of virtues was for life to flow more smoothly.
I lived in Guatemala, and there was a dearth of empathy (and, concurrently a lot of domestic violence.) For instance, if a woman was carrying a load and had small children, and she was entering a building, no one would stop and open a door for her, it was everyone for themselves, they'd just make their way around her and walk on in. There were boats for public transportation; folks at the front of the line would get on and sit down in front, and then the rest would have to squeeze their ways around, no one would shift to make space to pass unless directly asked. I was once on one of the boats and a woman got on with multiple flats of eggs. There was an open seat behind me so I moved back. Another expat said to me "You're so accommodating!" I didn't think of it that way, I just noticed when someone had a heavy load and made things easier for her because I had the capability to do that. To me, that's empathy -- recognizing when someone has a heavy load and making things a little easier for them when one can. Allegorically, if someone is carrying a heavy load while walking next to me, if I have the strength and capability, I can carry some of the load for part of the way, but it doesn't become my load, and I don't carry it all of the way.
@BrokenBelt
I'd like to reply from a different perspective. Empathy can be understanding that someone just needs someone to listen and care that they're suffering. It doesn't have to mean taking on their suffering or solving their problems. More like holding a space where it's safe for their stuff to come out, to be gently held like a child.
Of course there are people who want someone to feel their misery, but that doesn't help anyone, that just makes two miserable people. I make a point to not connect with people like that anymore, they're never satisfied and can't be satisfied. I have empathy for whatever causes that, or more accurately, compassion.
Relationships are like a bank. If one keeps making withdrawals of empathy/support but doesn't replenish them for the other person, then they get rich and fat while the other person becomes poor and wasted.
I'm also reminded of something I heard Brené Brown say, we don't realize that the things we do affect other people. That's the point of laws of social order, such as the Five Precepts of Buddhism, to be aware that others exist with us and to hold back from harming them, since empathy does not always come naturally. For the Stoics, the focus was virtue, and the point of virtues was for life to flow more smoothly.
I lived in Guatemala, and there was a dearth of empathy (and, concurrently a lot of domestic violence.) For instance, if a woman was carrying a load and had small children, and she was entering a building, no one would stop and open a door for her, it was everyone for themselves, they'd just make their way around her and walk on in. There were boats for public transportation; folks at the front of the line would get on and sit down in front, and then the rest would have to squeeze their ways around, no one would shift to make space to pass unless directly asked. I was once on one of the boats and a woman got on with multiple flats of eggs. There was an open seat behind me so I moved back. Another expat said to me "You're so accommodating!" I didn't think of it that way, I just noticed when someone had a heavy load and made things easier for her because I had the capability to do that. To me, that's empathy -- recognizing when someone has a heavy load and making things a little easier for them when one can. Allegorically, if someone is carrying a heavy load while walking next to me, if I have the strength and capability, I can carry some of the load for part of the way, but it doesn't become my load, and I don't carry it all of the way.
