Discussion what’s it like to be a REAL person. Coming from a sociopath who apparently was too hard to fix.

[primadonna_]

As seen from the title, I am a sociopath. (I did pass the PCL-R which is the psychopathy test but "psychopath" isn't exactly an accurate medical term so i'm just gonna say sociopath as in someone with antisocial personality disorder) I've honestly been this way as long as I can remember, and according to my parents, longer than my memory goes back.
Before getting diagnosed with all this stuff in early adolescence, I was just not aware of anything. Like totally oblivious that how I saw the world was totally different than everybody else.. I kind of had this idea that things like basic morals and just being decent wasn't a thing that people ACTUALLY did and it was just something in movies, which i'm not sure if that played a part but that one thought I had in like kindergarten kind of changed the track of my everything. I mean, I eventually realized that "oh my god, people actually CARE about this stuff." But the emotional part never really clicked for me and I just decided not to give a shit, which ended up with me getting an ODD diagnosis which apparently was just a placeholder for my conduct disorder because it's super stigmatized and would lead to my life being ruined or something.
Still had to go through treatment for it, (and all the other bullshit I had) and that shit sucked but at least my IOP place gave me chips. And no, I wasn't going around ending people, (I definitely tried but I was like eight…) but I was definitely a bitch who liked tormenting her recovering abuser mom and causing middle school drama because god forbid I just sat with feeling chronically empty and bored, but apparently I was bad enough to the point I needed serious help. God forbid a 13 year old attempt to get her mom to leave me and my dad and gossip about everyone in her grade. But it was definitely a problem that I craved making people miserable, and that needed to be fixed. Spoiler, they didn't fucking fix it. I still don't feel sad when the dog dies in the movie, literally what a waste of money. Even though i've totally watered this down, I guess it sort of worked because i've still never been to jail, and now i'm a fairly good looking college girl. Not good enough because I STILL have a personality disorder, but at least it might of done something.
Again, i've totally watered everything in this down, but before I literally decide to ctb when my life gets too boring, I wanna know what it's like to really feel. I know I have all this other stuff but it bothers me.. I've lived but i've never experienced. And chances are, I never will. I don't know basic things like guilt or anxiety, or at least not the way i'm supposed to. I'll never know what it's like not to do something because it's wrong, because you have an internal break, and not because you have to do a whole thought process on if it's worth it or not, or if today you don't care about that and just do it anyways. I mean, having ASPD isn't totally disabling on its own, maybe it'll put me on a Forbes 500 one day if I decide I actually want to live that long. Since pretty much everyone on this forum has definitely gone through some feelings, answer me one thing: what does being human feel like for you?

note: this is one of my more informal post, but I would just like to see everyone else's perspective on life because I thought it would be interesting and nice. Thanks if u decided to answer and if you're here for the same reason most people are, I hope it's painless. <3

 

[p1peb0mb_]

Since pretty much everyone on this forum has definitely gone through some feelings, answer me one thing: what does being human feel like for you?

It feels inconsistent and chaotic.

Sometimes you feel alright when youre at your lowest, or feel nothing when you reach the dream of your life, which was supposed to get you on cloud nine as you thought. One day you suddenly realize just how good the cup of coffee you drank in the morning was good; the same day when you walk to work you get caught in the rain, and then you get spiraled into thoughts of 'what am i even doing with life'. And then, the next day you gulp the same cup of coffee, curse from how bitter it is, and on your way to work you get caught in the rain again, and this time you find yourself humming a theme song from 'friends' - show you watched only when you were about 14 and couldn't care less about it.

Hope ya got my point. There is something beautiful in this whole chaos imho.