Discussion what’s it like to be a REAL person. Coming from a sociopath who apparently was too hard to fix.

[primadonna_]

As seen from the title, I am a sociopath. (I did pass the PCL-R which is the psychopathy test but "psychopath" isn't exactly an accurate medical term so i'm just gonna say sociopath as in someone with antisocial personality disorder) I've honestly been this way as long as I can remember, and according to my parents, longer than my memory goes back.
Before getting diagnosed with all this stuff in early adolescence, I was just not aware of anything. Like totally oblivious that how I saw the world was totally different than everybody else.. I kind of had this idea that things like basic morals and just being decent wasn't a thing that people ACTUALLY did and it was just something in movies, which i'm not sure if that played a part but that one thought I had in like kindergarten kind of changed the track of my everything. I mean, I eventually realized that "oh my god, people actually CARE about this stuff." But the emotional part never really clicked for me and I just decided not to give a shit, which ended up with me getting an ODD diagnosis which apparently was just a placeholder for my conduct disorder because it's super stigmatized and would lead to my life being ruined or something.
Still had to go through treatment for it, (and all the other bullshit I had) and that shit sucked but at least my IOP place gave me chips. And no, I wasn't going around ending people, (I definitely tried but I was like eight…) but I was definitely a bitch who liked tormenting her recovering abuser mom and causing middle school drama because god forbid I just sat with feeling chronically empty and bored, but apparently I was bad enough to the point I needed serious help. God forbid a 13 year old attempt to get her mom to leave me and my dad and gossip about everyone in her grade. But it was definitely a problem that I craved making people miserable, and that needed to be fixed. Spoiler, they didn't fucking fix it. I still don't feel sad when the dog dies in the movie, literally what a waste of money. Even though i've totally watered this down, I guess it sort of worked because i've still never been to jail, and now i'm a fairly good looking college girl. Not good enough because I STILL have a personality disorder, but at least it might of done something.
Again, i've totally watered everything in this down, but before I literally decide to ctb when my life gets too boring, I wanna know what it's like to really feel. I know I have all this other stuff but it bothers me.. I've lived but i've never experienced. And chances are, I never will. I don't know basic things like guilt or anxiety, or at least not the way i'm supposed to. I'll never know what it's like not to do something because it's wrong, because you have an internal break, and not because you have to do a whole thought process on if it's worth it or not, or if today you don't care about that and just do it anyways. I mean, having ASPD isn't totally disabling on its own, maybe it'll put me on a Forbes 500 one day if I decide I actually want to live that long. Since pretty much everyone on this forum has definitely gone through some feelings, answer me one thing: what does being human feel like for you?

note: this is one of my more informal post, but I would just like to see everyone else's perspective on life because I thought it would be interesting and nice. Thanks if u decided to answer and if you're here for the same reason most people are, I hope it's painless. <3

 

[p1peb0mb_]

Since pretty much everyone on this forum has definitely gone through some feelings, answer me one thing: what does being human feel like for you?

It feels inconsistent and chaotic.

Sometimes you feel alright when youre at your lowest, or feel nothing when you reach the dream of your life, which was supposed to get you on cloud nine as you thought. One day you suddenly realize just how good the cup of coffee you drank in the morning was good; the same day when you walk to work you get caught in the rain, and then you get spiraled into thoughts of 'what am i even doing with life'. And then, the next day you gulp the same cup of coffee, curse from how bitter it is, and on your way to work you get caught in the rain again, and this time you find yourself humming a theme song from 'friends' - show you watched only when you were about 14 and couldn't care less about it.

Hope ya got my point. There is something beautiful in this whole chaos imho.

 

[TrulyNeverCertain]

Since pretty much everyone on this forum has definitely gone through some feelings, answer me one thing: what does being human feel like for you?

For me, I'd say messy, tough, confusing, and consistently inconsistent in a frustrating way.

Despite the effort, it's difficult to stay consistent and non-messy, but somehow you keep going, and usually try again another day.
Same story with the confusion and difficulty, but you hope for grace when you mess up, and returning it to others, and work on making things right when you can.

Being human is a social and confusing mess, but it can be incredible, especially with good company.
To quote Undertale: "Despite everything, it's still you" often applies. And in a related way: Despite everything, you're still somehow here.
(I know my response is messy, but hopefully it makes sense!)

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

Since pretty much everyone on this forum has definitely gone through some feelings, answer me one thing: what does being human feel like for you?

I honestly couldn't tell you what being human feels like. It feels like I'm not human at all. I think maybe as a young kid (3 and under) I felt human for a while... but then again, I also "felt" like a girl because I assumed that's what girls felt like. Hint: It wasn't. I'm a man. Go figure.

I had no frame of reference for anything, and whenever I asked, people would look at me funny. I mean, how would you react if a 5 year old asked you what humans are supposed to feel like?

Still had to go through treatment for it, (and all the other bullshit I had) and that shit sucked but at least my IOP place gave me chips. And no, I wasn't going around ending people, (I definitely tried but I was like eight…) but I was definitely a bitch who liked tormenting her recovering abuser mom and causing middle school drama because god forbid I just sat with feeling chronically empty and bored, but apparently I was bad enough to the point I needed serious help. God forbid a 13 year old attempt to get her mom to leave me and my dad and gossip about everyone in her grade. But it was definitely a problem that I craved making people miserable, and that needed to be fixed. Spoiler, they didn't fucking fix it. I still don't feel sad when the dog dies in the movie, literally what a waste of money. Even though i've totally watered this down, I guess it sort of worked because i've still never been to jail, and now i'm a fairly good looking college girl. Not good enough because I STILL have a personality disorder, but at least it might of done something.

This section is a bit relatable as someone with NPD (+ BPD and one of our alters has ASPD, but those affect me less).

I wasn't actually put into intensive therapy for my obvious issues and aggression as a kid because the people who experienced that side of me the most were either kids or abusers themselves, but even now that I'm aware and outwardly stable narc-wise, it just feel meaningless sometimes. Like, gee, I no longer ruin friendships. Big whoop.

I still feel the burning envy anytime someone close to me succeeds in something I lack. I smile and compliment them and I am so fucking proud of them but my soul still gets torn out.

And I can mimic emotional empathy now. To the point that I get fakeclaimed about my narcissism. But I still have to put the effort in to mimic it by using my cognitive empathy, hyperphantasia, and my traumatic memories to Frankenstein a temporary fake memory where I'm experiencing that person's life so I can "FEEL" it.

No one is going to fix us. Not you, not me. As fucked as it is, this is our life. And therapies can help. So can medication. DBT, hypnotherapy, and possibly Valium for me.

But even at our most healed, a part of that personality disorder will exist. We just have to make our life worth living enough where those parts are manageable.
Sorry you've got to deal with all this shit.

 

[itsgone2]

. Since pretty much everyone on this forum has definitely gone through some feelings, answer me one thing: what does being human feel like for you?

I was a sociopath too. But then awakened. It was amazing. Just being kind to people. Enjoying conversation. Not judging or wanting to find a reason not to connect. Was good. I wish I had longer but I suppose I got a little. I hope you find it for longer than I did

 

[countingclocks]

It feels inconsistent and chaotic.

Sometimes you feel alright when youre at your lowest, or feel nothing when you reach the dream of your life, which was supposed to get you on cloud nine as you thought. One day you suddenly realize just how good the cup of coffee you drank in the morning was good; the same day when you walk to work you get caught in the rain, and then you get spiraled into thoughts of 'what am i even doing with life'. And then, the next day you gulp the same cup of coffee, curse from how bitter it is, and on your way to work you get caught in the rain again, and this time you find yourself humming a theme song from 'friends' - show you watched only when you were about 14 and couldn't care less about it.

Hope ya got my point. There is something beautiful in this whole chaos imho.

Not sure if my answer matters, but despite coming from a very different angle, I don't feel human and never have. Just about every little thing, down to specks of dust, brings me stupidly intense waves of emotion, but I always feel like a passenger in this life for lack of a better way to put it. As soon as I learned to write I began taking notes on everyone I could see. I got called creepy a lot, but as a five or so year old, I didn't understand why people didn't think I was on to something. I get it now and I'm more discreet. Anyway, I always feel like my feelings are someone else's, like I'm living a life that's already passed. I feel a lot, and I'm never bored, but I don't feel real. I also get offended by little shit all the time. I don't really know what the point of what I'm saying is. Essentially, I guess what sticks out to me is the idea that we might be two extremes, more similar than we seem.

 

[DeathByBananabread]

Well, we're both humans, aren't we?
Technically speaking, your experience with life is as human as anyone elses, even if you're lacking in things people arbitrarily consider vital to be human. You were born to humans & live among humans & possess skills only we humans have here on earth.
If you're talking about being human in the context of the emotional functions/experiences you lack: It's overrated. You might want to experience these things because they sound novel & new to you, but as someone who lived most of my life as an intensely sensitive person against my will, having these things is not a guarantee of a better, richer, or more moral life- in fact, feeling some things so strongly can just be another way to get hurt. But you're asking in the wrong sort of forum if you want to hear happy stories about being a human.

 

[Arvayn]

I kind of had this idea that things like basic morals and just being decent wasn't a thing that people ACTUALLY did and it was just something in movies, which i'm not sure if that played a part but that one thought I had in like kindergarten kind of changed the track of my everything. I mean, I eventually realized that "oh my god, people actually CARE about this stuff." But the emotional part never really clicked for me and I just decided not to give a shit, which ended up with me getting an ODD diagnosis which apparently was just a placeholder for my conduct disorder because it's super stigmatized and would lead to my life being ruined or something.

YES! Same! Except, I never got any official diagnoses for it. I almost got diagnosed as anti-social after being sent to a pediatric psychologist, but I understood the stigma surrounding that label at the time and I started flat out lying to the psychologist about everything once he said he suspects I am anti-social. So, I dodged the diagnosis.

Huge rant about my personal reaction to the "oh my god, people actually CARE about this stuff." realization:

Spoiler: Warning: Triggering/Offensive Thoughts About Morals

I strongly reject morals, and moral rigidity is one of my biggest personal pet peeves. The depth to which people go to in order to try and justify things is simply unbelievable to me, literally creating their own demons to fight and deifying the things they like by wrapping them up in 'virtue' and 'goodness'. I've noticed that almost no one even holds themselves up to their own moral standards, despite claiming to have them. Instead, they act first instead of think, experience something that makes them feel good/bad, and then assign a post-hoc rationalization/meaning to it. They then pretend that it was always there from the start, and that it's the reason they like/dislike that thing, when in fact the true reasons are often much more simple and primal. It's pathetic-- self-deceit of the mind, as I see it.

Every time I see someone passionately praise or condemn the ethical nature of an act, or use the words 'right' and 'wrong' in the moral sense, which I feel allergic to, I just internally grimace SO strongly and nod along with them while going "Riiiiiiight..."; In this sense, everyone comes off as ignorant and delusional, unable to escape whatever story of "me" or "the world" they've conjured for themselves.

It's okay to be emotional, and to hate or love something for how it makes you feel. I accept that, and I think it is epistemically pure, as it cannot be argued against, it simply just is, innately. But why, oh why, does everyone try to make it out to be so much more? This is a rhetorical question, of course. It's because reality is just too terrifying and confusing without such a thing! And dangerous! Why, if we can't condemn anything, then what are we to do? It means we just have to sit there and not do anything about harmful people! Right? Oh, it doesn't? Well, I still need to make myself feel better, and having to question my conceptions makes me too uncomfortable, so who cares.

And so all of this leads me to live a life of constant deceit having to pander to what the mainstream masses say and believe, essentially "lying by omission" in almost every single interaction, lest I suffer the pragmatic consequences for having such a purportedly "out there" view; while the only people I can get along with are simply because we are aligned in practice, not in theory. Most of my better friends have consisted of the deranged and/or the outcast. Not because I think being deranged or outcast has any attractive or redeeming qualities in itself, but because I am just so tired of people who don't see the bullshittery of morals. They're not innocent in that regard, either; they are inclined to agree with my outlook, but not because they believe it to be veracious and have truly internalized it. Rather, it's because they realize its implications "excuse" their behavior of condemnation, which they still are afraid of, despite attempting to de-value it. Like a rationalized "permission ticket", instead of realizing that the whole point is to tear up the ticket altogether.

And, yes, I stand by the more unsavory implications of this standpoint. I do not care when I see people suffering through so-called "tragedies", to not explicitly name anything. I do not care when I see people happy over so-called "miracles". I do think it is entirely sensible and to be expected for one to be sad or happy. To be kind in order to strive for a more harmonious environment, or to be callous in order to defend yourself and secure a better position for yourself. Not because it's "fair", or "sensible", or "good", or "justified", but simply, purely because they are the phenomena of the human nature and psychology, not as ideologically charged constructs but simply as felt qualities and sentiments independent of meaning.

For me, all of this essentially elucidates the fact that I will never, ever have true fellowship unless I choose to lie to myself, which I can't. I have never met anyone else who shares and lives by these viewpoints. Personality-wise, I have nothing in common with anyone other than superficial things.

So what does a GODLESS, AMORAL, ANARCHIC HEATHEN with absolutely NO moral or ethical compass and absolutely NO loyalty to any bloodline or flag such as myself do? How abhorrent, oh, the humanity! I am a true danger to society, I am the lowest of the low! I cannot control myself and I have no better conscience, so that's why I engage in such monstrous acts as... trying to be kind and supportive to my friends, and studying fields of science that interest me. Or maybe even being polite to strangers, because I recognize that it's a lot more efficient and smart to do so. And not pretending to get hung up or sad over some people starving to death halfway across the fucking globe from me. Horrible, right?

Ugh.

With that out of the way... I don't view myself as human either, but I honestly take pride in it, since I've learned to subconsciously associate the notion of 'human' with mostly negative things. Either that, or more consciously with nothing at all. After all, what even is a human? An advanced hominid? A sack of flesh and neurons? A consciousness in a vessel? A part of a whole? Consider it deeply enough and things eventually fall apart.
I agree with you entirely. Life is boring. On many days, I genuinely ask myself why I am even bothering with anything and if I should jump off a building already, and it's not because my life is particularly bad or stressful, or hell, not even because I want to die, or to live. I am just so cripplingly aware of the impermanence and of the illusion of it all; and I embrace it instead of pushing it away. But, my attachments to things like my relationships and hobbies keep me going, since they're enjoyable.

Life feels the best when I get to have fun with my time. That's it. I suppose that would be my "feeling human", as it's normally defined. This could be spending quality time with someone, or learning an interesting new fact. Once life becomes empty enough and I no longer have enough of these things, nor any meaningful way to acquire more of them, I won't be sticking around; monotony and predictable repetition is my worst enemy. I think that's actually very unlikely to happen, though. Even a purported catastrophe like ending up homeless would be, in my eyes, a novel and curious event to follow through to its conclusion.

 

[TransientEternal]

YES! Same! Except, I never got any official diagnoses for it. I almost got diagnosed as anti-social after being sent to a pediatric psychologist, but I understood the stigma surrounding that label at the time and I started flat out lying to the psychologist about everything once he said he suspects I am anti-social. So, I dodged the diagnosis.

Huge rant about my personal reaction to the "oh my god, people actually CARE about this stuff." realization:

Spoiler: Warning: Triggering/Offensive Thoughts About Morals

I strongly reject morals, and moral rigidity is one of my biggest personal pet peeves. The depth to which people go to in order to try and justify things is simply unbelievable to me, literally creating their own demons to fight and deifying the things they like by wrapping them up in 'virtue' and 'goodness'. I've noticed that almost no one even holds themselves up to their own moral standards, despite claiming to have them. Instead, they act first instead of think, experience something that makes them feel good/bad, and then assign a post-hoc rationalization/meaning to it. They then pretend that it was always there from the start, and that it's the reason they like/dislike that thing, when in fact the true reasons are often much more simple and primal. It's pathetic-- self-deceit of the mind, as I see it.

Every time I see someone passionately praise or condemn the ethical nature of an act, or use the words 'right' and 'wrong' in the moral sense, which I feel allergic to, I just internally grimace SO strongly and nod along with them while going "Riiiiiiight..."; In this sense, everyone comes off as ignorant and delusional, unable to escape whatever story of "me" or "the world" they've conjured for themselves.

It's okay to be emotional, and to hate or love something for how it makes you feel. I accept that, and I think it is epistemically pure, as it cannot be argued against, it simply just is, innately. But why, oh why, does everyone try to make it out to be so much more? This is a rhetorical question, of course. It's because reality is just too terrifying and confusing without such a thing! And dangerous! Why, if we can't condemn anything, then what are we to do? It means we just have to sit there and not do anything about harmful people! Right? Oh, it doesn't? Well, I still need to make myself feel better, and having to question my conceptions makes me too uncomfortable, so who cares.

And so all of this leads me to live a life of constant deceit having to pander to what the mainstream masses say and believe, essentially "lying by omission" in almost every single interaction, lest I suffer the pragmatic consequences for having such a purportedly "out there" view; while the only people I can get along with are simply because we are aligned in practice, not in theory. Most of my better friends have consisted of the deranged and/or the outcast. Not because I think being deranged or outcast has any attractive or redeeming qualities in itself, but because I am just so tired of people who don't see the bullshittery of morals. They're not innocent in that regard, either; they are inclined to agree with my outlook, but not because they believe it to be veracious and have truly internalized it. Rather, it's because they realize its implications "excuse" their behavior of condemnation, which they still are afraid of, despite attempting to de-value it. Like a rationalized "permission ticket", instead of realizing that the whole point is to tear up the ticket altogether.

And, yes, I stand by the more unsavory implications of this standpoint. I do not care when I see people suffering through so-called "tragedies", to not explicitly name anything. I do not care when I see people happy over so-called "miracles". I do think it is entirely sensible and to be expected for one to be sad or happy. To be kind in order to strive for a more harmonious environment, or to be callous in order to defend yourself and secure a better position for yourself. Not because it's "fair", or "sensible", or "good", or "justified", but simply, purely because they are the phenomena of the human nature and psychology, not as ideologically charged constructs but simply as felt qualities and sentiments independent of meaning.

For me, all of this essentially elucidates the fact that I will never, ever have true fellowship unless I choose to lie to myself, which I can't. I have never met anyone else who shares and lives by these viewpoints. Personality-wise, I have nothing in common with anyone other than superficial things.

So what does a GODLESS, AMORAL, ANARCHIC HEATHEN with absolutely NO moral or ethical compass and absolutely NO loyalty to any bloodline or flag such as myself do? How abhorrent, oh, the humanity! I am a true danger to society, I am the lowest of the low! I cannot control myself and I have no better conscience, so that's why I engage in such monstrous acts as... trying to be kind and supportive to my friends, and studying fields of science that interest me. Or maybe even being polite to strangers, because I recognize that it's a lot more efficient and smart to do so. And not pretending to get hung up or sad over some people starving to death halfway across the fucking globe from me. Horrible, right?

Ugh.

With that out of the way... I don't view myself as human either, but I honestly take pride in it, since I've learned to subconsciously associate the notion of 'human' with mostly negative things. Either that, or more consciously with nothing at all. After all, what even is a human? An advanced hominid? A sack of flesh and neurons? A consciousness in a vessel? A part of a whole? Consider it deeply enough and things eventually fall apart.
I agree with you entirely. Life is boring. On many days, I genuinely ask myself why I am even bothering with anything and if I should jump off a building already, and it's not because my life is particularly bad or stressful, or hell, not even because I want to die, or to live. I am just so cripplingly aware of the impermanence and of the illusion of it all; and I embrace it instead of pushing it away. But, my attachments to things like my relationships and hobbies keep me going, since they're enjoyable.

Life feels the best when I get to have fun with my time. That's it. I suppose that would be my "feeling human", as it's normally defined. This could be spending quality time with someone, or learning an interesting new fact. Once life becomes empty enough and I no longer have enough of these things, nor any meaningful way to acquire more of them, I won't be sticking around; monotony and predictable repetition is my worst enemy. I think that's actually very unlikely to happen, though. Even a purported catastrophe like ending up homeless would be, in my eyes, a novel and curious event to follow through to its conclusion.

I resonate with this a lot. Although I remember some events that prove I cared about others at some point I slowly stopped caring. I realized that people don't actually care about morals. What's popular is what's right, right? While ignorant people cause more suffering than malicious people. At least evil people don't delude themselves into thinking they are good. I also realized that objectively life is meaningless and that nothing matters. Nothing is sacred. A lot of things you said + things I forgot to mention + a lot of time has slowly made me stop caring about the suffering of others. Sometimes I do care, but I won't get emotional (idk maybe it'll happen but life is so boring and pointless I can't see the point in anything). Life is just one distraction after another. I still have empathy, but my compassion has died a lot. I like the people here because they're honest. They feel real.

 

[kitkatt]

As seen from the title, I am a sociopath. (I did pass the PCL-R which is the psychopathy test but "psychopath" isn't exactly an accurate medical term so i'm just gonna say sociopath as in someone with antisocial personality disorder) I've honestly been this way as long as I can remember, and according to my parents, longer than my memory goes back.
Before getting diagnosed with all this stuff in early adolescence, I was just not aware of anything. Like totally oblivious that how I saw the world was totally different than everybody else.. I kind of had this idea that things like basic morals and just being decent wasn't a thing that people ACTUALLY did and it was just something in movies, which i'm not sure if that played a part but that one thought I had in like kindergarten kind of changed the track of my everything. I mean, I eventually realized that "oh my god, people actually CARE about this stuff." But the emotional part never really clicked for me and I just decided not to give a shit, which ended up with me getting an ODD diagnosis which apparently was just a placeholder for my conduct disorder because it's super stigmatized and would lead to my life being ruined or something.
Still had to go through treatment for it, (and all the other bullshit I had) and that shit sucked but at least my IOP place gave me chips. And no, I wasn't going around ending people, (I definitely tried but I was like eight…) but I was definitely a bitch who liked tormenting her recovering abuser mom and causing middle school drama because god forbid I just sat with feeling chronically empty and bored, but apparently I was bad enough to the point I needed serious help. God forbid a 13 year old attempt to get her mom to leave me and my dad and gossip about everyone in her grade. But it was definitely a problem that I craved making people miserable, and that needed to be fixed. Spoiler, they didn't fucking fix it. I still don't feel sad when the dog dies in the movie, literally what a waste of money. Even though i've totally watered this down, I guess it sort of worked because i've still never been to jail, and now i'm a fairly good looking college girl. Not good enough because I STILL have a personality disorder, but at least it might of done something.
Again, i've totally watered everything in this down, but before I literally decide to ctb when my life gets too boring, I wanna know what it's like to really feel. I know I have all this other stuff but it bothers me.. I've lived but i've never experienced. And chances are, I never will. I don't know basic things like guilt or anxiety, or at least not the way i'm supposed to. I'll never know what it's like not to do something because it's wrong, because you have an internal break, and not because you have to do a whole thought process on if it's worth it or not, or if today you don't care about that and just do it anyways. I mean, having ASPD isn't totally disabling on its own, maybe it'll put me on a Forbes 500 one day if I decide I actually want to live that long. Since pretty much everyone on this forum has definitely gone through some feelings, answer me one thing: what does being human feel like for you?

note: this is one of my more informal post, but I would just like to see everyone else's perspective on life because I thought it would be interesting and nice. Thanks if u decided to answer and if you're here for the same reason most people are, I hope it's painless. <3

I don't feel human I feel like a creature. I feel like a possum who's been necromancyed past their life time. I'm so tired of the world and how awful it is and I'm tired of looking for scraps of happiness to stick by for. All of what to say I'm tired of eating the garbage of a world I was not meant for. My whole life has been painful surely nothing can be worse than the weight of everything I've endured.
I wish you clarity on your journey and painless end if you cannot carry on

 

[etherealgoddess]

As seen from the title, I am a sociopath. (I did pass the PCL-R which is the psychopathy test but "psychopath" isn't exactly an accurate medical term so i'm just gonna say sociopath as in someone with antisocial personality disorder) I've honestly been this way as long as I can remember, and according to my parents, longer than my memory goes back.
Before getting diagnosed with all this stuff in early adolescence, I was just not aware of anything. Like totally oblivious that how I saw the world was totally different than everybody else.. I kind of had this idea that things like basic morals and just being decent wasn't a thing that people ACTUALLY did and it was just something in movies, which i'm not sure if that played a part but that one thought I had in like kindergarten kind of changed the track of my everything. I mean, I eventually realized that "oh my god, people actually CARE about this stuff." But the emotional part never really clicked for me and I just decided not to give a shit, which ended up with me getting an ODD diagnosis which apparently was just a placeholder for my conduct disorder because it's super stigmatized and would lead to my life being ruined or something.
Still had to go through treatment for it, (and all the other bullshit I had) and that shit sucked but at least my IOP place gave me chips. And no, I wasn't going around ending people, (I definitely tried but I was like eight…) but I was definitely a bitch who liked tormenting her recovering abuser mom and causing middle school drama because god forbid I just sat with feeling chronically empty and bored, but apparently I was bad enough to the point I needed serious help. God forbid a 13 year old attempt to get her mom to leave me and my dad and gossip about everyone in her grade. But it was definitely a problem that I craved making people miserable, and that needed to be fixed. Spoiler, they didn't fucking fix it. I still don't feel sad when the dog dies in the movie, literally what a waste of money. Even though i've totally watered this down, I guess it sort of worked because i've still never been to jail, and now i'm a fairly good looking college girl. Not good enough because I STILL have a personality disorder, but at least it might of done something.
Again, i've totally watered everything in this down, but before I literally decide to ctb when my life gets too boring, I wanna know what it's like to really feel. I know I have all this other stuff but it bothers me.. I've lived but i've never experienced. And chances are, I never will. I don't know basic things like guilt or anxiety, or at least not the way i'm supposed to. I'll never know what it's like not to do something because it's wrong, because you have an internal break, and not because you have to do a whole thought process on if it's worth it or not, or if today you don't care about that and just do it anyways. I mean, having ASPD isn't totally disabling on its own, maybe it'll put me on a Forbes 500 one day if I decide I actually want to live that long. Since pretty much everyone on this forum has definitely gone through some feelings, answer me one thing: what does being human feel like for you?

note: this is one of my more informal post, but I would just like to see everyone else's perspective on life because I thought it would be interesting and nice. Thanks if u decided to answer and if you're here for the same reason most people are, I hope it's painless. <3

Wow, I really appreciate your perspective. I find it fascinating because I could never understand this perspective on a deeply personal level because I'm the polar opposite.

First of all, I don't think normal people are ever going to be on here. I'm not trying to be insulting. But most people on here are probably mentally ill. But if you mean just people who have a guilty conscience, well... The majority of people statistically do have one.

I would say that it's a big struggle because you're always stuck between wanting to do what is right for you VS wanting to be socially liked VS wanting to be socially respected. They're not all the same. I find it hard sometimes when I'm trying to decide what I want to do because I want to be highly ambitious and do a big goal, but the scariest part about being ambitious is usually all the backlash from jealousy. I try my hardest to not obsess on being liked, but it requires this nudge to stop caring about whether people like me or not. Being myself vs trying to get the most amount of power vs being liked is a very tough internal battle. I try to focus more on power or myself because likability is really hard to achieve in the first place. In an ideal world, I'd achieve all three.

I find that it's very tough as well because especially as I am more ambitious, it can be tough to want to gain power VS be a good person. I know that I can do certain things to put people in their place. I know I can destroy others to give myself the leg up. But I hate it. And when I have to do it sometimes, it makes my stomach queasy. And I do not destroy just to destroy. I am talking about destroying others in self defense--as in someone is putting their target on me, and I attack back. I still feel guilty if I am attacking out of self defense. I usually end up avoiding social interaction almost entirely because of it. I dislike hurting others a lot. I honestly have met people like you who stir up drama to hurt others, and I avoid people like that like the plague. I'm not hating. Just my personal opinion. I hate the drama. The only way I'd say I hurt others is usually just my pure existence of being better than someone else, usually being prettier or smarter. A lot of girls hated me in high school just because I had male attention.

That's my experience. I know everyone is going to have their own experience. But I will say that I definitely am constantly oscillating between wanting to be a good person vs focusing more on my own success. I would say I am far more philanthropic. I want to be a good person. I have to sleep well at night knowing I am a good person. I remember once I liked a random hate comment on an innocent girl because I was insanely insecure at the time because she was so pretty. I couldn't fall asleep that night. I woke up and had to unlike that comment. I'm not flexing how good of a person I am by the way. I am just saying... This is just how I am hardwired.

YES! Same! Except, I never got any official diagnoses for it. I almost got diagnosed as anti-social after being sent to a pediatric psychologist, but I understood the stigma surrounding that label at the time and I started flat out lying to the psychologist about everything once he said he suspects I am anti-social. So, I dodged the diagnosis.

Huge rant about my personal reaction to the "oh my god, people actually CARE about this stuff." realization:

Spoiler: Warning: Triggering/Offensive Thoughts About Morals

I strongly reject morals, and moral rigidity is one of my biggest personal pet peeves. The depth to which people go to in order to try and justify things is simply unbelievable to me, literally creating their own demons to fight and deifying the things they like by wrapping them up in 'virtue' and 'goodness'. I've noticed that almost no one even holds themselves up to their own moral standards, despite claiming to have them. Instead, they act first instead of think, experience something that makes them feel good/bad, and then assign a post-hoc rationalization/meaning to it. They then pretend that it was always there from the start, and that it's the reason they like/dislike that thing, when in fact the true reasons are often much more simple and primal. It's pathetic-- self-deceit of the mind, as I see it.

Every time I see someone passionately praise or condemn the ethical nature of an act, or use the words 'right' and 'wrong' in the moral sense, which I feel allergic to, I just internally grimace SO strongly and nod along with them while going "Riiiiiiight..."; In this sense, everyone comes off as ignorant and delusional, unable to escape whatever story of "me" or "the world" they've conjured for themselves.

It's okay to be emotional, and to hate or love something for how it makes you feel. I accept that, and I think it is epistemically pure, as it cannot be argued against, it simply just is, innately. But why, oh why, does everyone try to make it out to be so much more? This is a rhetorical question, of course. It's because reality is just too terrifying and confusing without such a thing! And dangerous! Why, if we can't condemn anything, then what are we to do? It means we just have to sit there and not do anything about harmful people! Right? Oh, it doesn't? Well, I still need to make myself feel better, and having to question my conceptions makes me too uncomfortable, so who cares.

And so all of this leads me to live a life of constant deceit having to pander to what the mainstream masses say and believe, essentially "lying by omission" in almost every single interaction, lest I suffer the pragmatic consequences for having such a purportedly "out there" view; while the only people I can get along with are simply because we are aligned in practice, not in theory. Most of my better friends have consisted of the deranged and/or the outcast. Not because I think being deranged or outcast has any attractive or redeeming qualities in itself, but because I am just so tired of people who don't see the bullshittery of morals. They're not innocent in that regard, either; they are inclined to agree with my outlook, but not because they believe it to be veracious and have truly internalized it. Rather, it's because they realize its implications "excuse" their behavior of condemnation, which they still are afraid of, despite attempting to de-value it. Like a rationalized "permission ticket", instead of realizing that the whole point is to tear up the ticket altogether.

And, yes, I stand by the more unsavory implications of this standpoint. I do not care when I see people suffering through so-called "tragedies", to not explicitly name anything. I do not care when I see people happy over so-called "miracles". I do think it is entirely sensible and to be expected for one to be sad or happy. To be kind in order to strive for a more harmonious environment, or to be callous in order to defend yourself and secure a better position for yourself. Not because it's "fair", or "sensible", or "good", or "justified", but simply, purely because they are the phenomena of the human nature and psychology, not as ideologically charged constructs but simply as felt qualities and sentiments independent of meaning.

For me, all of this essentially elucidates the fact that I will never, ever have true fellowship unless I choose to lie to myself, which I can't. I have never met anyone else who shares and lives by these viewpoints. Personality-wise, I have nothing in common with anyone other than superficial things.

So what does a GODLESS, AMORAL, ANARCHIC HEATHEN with absolutely NO moral or ethical compass and absolutely NO loyalty to any bloodline or flag such as myself do? How abhorrent, oh, the humanity! I am a true danger to society, I am the lowest of the low! I cannot control myself and I have no better conscience, so that's why I engage in such monstrous acts as... trying to be kind and supportive to my friends, and studying fields of science that interest me. Or maybe even being polite to strangers, because I recognize that it's a lot more efficient and smart to do so. And not pretending to get hung up or sad over some people starving to death halfway across the fucking globe from me. Horrible, right?

Ugh.

With that out of the way... I don't view myself as human either, but I honestly take pride in it, since I've learned to subconsciously associate the notion of 'human' with mostly negative things. Either that, or more consciously with nothing at all. After all, what even is a human? An advanced hominid? A sack of flesh and neurons? A consciousness in a vessel? A part of a whole? Consider it deeply enough and things eventually fall apart.
I agree with you entirely. Life is boring. On many days, I genuinely ask myself why I am even bothering with anything and if I should jump off a building already, and it's not because my life is particularly bad or stressful, or hell, not even because I want to die, or to live. I am just so cripplingly aware of the impermanence and of the illusion of it all; and I embrace it instead of pushing it away. But, my attachments to things like my relationships and hobbies keep me going, since they're enjoyable.

Life feels the best when I get to have fun with my time. That's it. I suppose that would be my "feeling human", as it's normally defined. This could be spending quality time with someone, or learning an interesting new fact. Once life becomes empty enough and I no longer have enough of these things, nor any meaningful way to acquire more of them, I won't be sticking around; monotony and predictable repetition is my worst enemy. I think that's actually very unlikely to happen, though. Even a purported catastrophe like ending up homeless would be, in my eyes, a novel and curious event to follow through to its conclusion.

Honestly, I do believe that a lot of people act in "morals" but are truly full of ego. I know a lot of people like that who just use morals as a cover-up for ego. But I do think morals do exist. Living a life where you are trying to live for the highest good of everyone is possible. For example, let's say Sally is jealous of her friend Ally. Sally can process her jealousy, channel it, and make herself better while still being a good friend to Ally. She can also destroy Ally's reputation to make herself feel better about herself and punish Ally. Either way, she's decided to compete with Ally in a way that benefits everyone VS a way that benefits only herself and hurts others. So I think it's possible to have good morals.

However, as someone who is extremely rigid in having good morals and find it extremely uncomfortable to knowingly do hurtful things, I will say most people absolutely fail at good morals. Almost everyone cares about good morals, but I definitely agree that the grand majority sit on their ass crying about how bad everyone is while they're great but are doing horrible things to others and always finding the justification for it.

Morals are kind of a code of, "Do onto others as you would like done to yourself." A lot of people have morals but most people suck at emotional regulation and awareness, so they usually, again, find a ton of excuses on why they cannot stick to them.