Discussion What would it take to make you want to live?

[issyishere]

I’m just curious, we’re all here for different reasons but we all came to the same conclusion. What would it take for you guys to want to stay on earth?

For me personally, I’d want a new identity, a bank account with 10 million dollars, and a house on the beach LOL! Just a wish, though :/ to be away from everything, to find a meaning in anything, to want a purpose in life. Sometimes I think i’m so cynical to the point I can’t enjoy anything. Nothing has meaning to me.

 

[foxdie]

I don't even know tbh. I think society would have to fundamentally change to be less exploitative and abusive to start. I would also like to be able to be socially competent and to live somewhat comfortably too I guess.

 

[FireFox]

•Finding my purpose and knowing my place in the world
•Experiencing real happiness. I have depressed since 21. All i do is pretend to be happy as no one on the outside world understands
•Having a partner who deeply loves me for me
• Living a life of meaning and excitement

 

[ontheedge81]

I think winning big in the lottery for tonight’s draw would be a pretty good start—then at least I wouldn’t have to worry about being unemployed, or my upcoming eviction.

Being able to solely focus on myself and getting my bipolar depression under control would definitely be a reason to want to stay.

Feeling like myself again and having some purpose or something to focus on other than SI all the time...laughing, seeing a future beyond the one that my depression tells me Im
I don’t want to die but feel like it’s becoming my only option...

 

[justsad&done]

I so hope you get your beach house - and are able to appreciate life
For me, it's impossible. Unless we can find a way to time travel and turn back the clock and save a life.

 

[justanotherstar]

Good question.

hmmm... a labotomy? Ha, no. I’m joking I just really hate myself so in my head I’m like the answer is simply I’d need to be somebody else, someone I didn’t completely loathe but I think foxdie is right that I think for me society would fundamentally have to change, a world that didn’t completely fuck people over. On a practical level a life without crippling mental health problems would be a good start, good physical health just as important, money wouldn’t buy me happiness but I wouldn’t say no lol. I think being able to connect with people, to be in love would be essential and I think I would still like to love animals more than I do humans.

yes, not sure what else would keep me here or indeed whether the above would be enough

 

[EnnuiCat]

to be away from everything, to find a meaning in anything, to want a purpose in life. Sometimes I think i’m so cynical to the point I can’t enjoy anything. Nothing has meaning to me.

This is me. I don't wish for money or possessions. Those would not make me happy. I don't know if anything could make me truly content anymore. I go through the dreary, ugly, insufferable motions of life without direction or purpose. Nothing seems important or necessary or worthwhile.

 

[Kim Dokja]

To feel in control of my life for once.

 

[Wakawaka]

I would probably have to fundamentally change as a person to be happy, it's just the way I am now

 

[Pookie]

Health.

 

[Mercury6737]

Nothing realistic would make me want to stick around. Otherwise, I'd be OK with living a particular time period of my life in a constant loop.

 

[FireFox]

I think winning big in the lottery for tonight’s draw would be a pretty good start—then at least I wouldn’t have to worry about being unemployed, or my upcoming eviction.

Being able to solely focus on myself and getting my bipolar depression under control would definitely be a reason to want to stay.

Feeling like myself again and having some purpose or something to focus on other than SI all the time...laughing, seeing a future beyond the one that my depression tells me Im
I don’t want to die but feel like it’s becoming my only option...

Ontheedge81
Bipolar is a cruel disease . Winning the lottery can be a massive life changer especially for those who are struggling.
If you win the lottery dont go public!

So many fake people including shitty relatives wanting to be your friend.

Bad things have happened to people who won the lottery in Britain it has been dubbed the lotto curse

•Lottery couples getting divorced after winning
•Jane park she won the lottery at 17. She says winning the lottery made her miserable
•some people have gotten killed after winning the lottery

I dont want to die but i dont want to live to see the future as the future scares me

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

There's some really good answers here. I honestly don't know if anything would make me want to live. As my emo username indicates, I hate life. Been depressed and anxious for so, so long. Even if those issues became managable, nothing really seems worth living for. I know there's a lot of good things in life, like my friends, volunteering, animals, children (even though they scare me), kind people, nature... But I just don't want to be alive. Life is dull and grey to me, and there's too many bad things imo.

That's a really pretty picture by the way, and the message resonates with.

 

[demuic]

A complete change in structure and functioning of society and human nature, with an emphasis freedom, justice, intelligence, and true equality.

More "realistically," a sense of purpose, no neurological problems, a steady source of disposable income, a nice place to live, social skills, friends who I can fit in with, and a new body. Maybe a romantic relationship.

So basically nothing acheivable.

 

[Gnip]

A time machine back to when I was 13 years old again, only this time with competent and caring parents and no exposure to any schools or peers, ever.

I require nothing less than everything I ever fantasized about, exclusively on my own terms, then whatever otherworldly force or time lord who can grant me my 1,000.000.000 wishes must also "magically" surpass all my wildest desires by a trillion fold to compensate for the extreme umbrages and affronts I have had my existence insulted and offended by in any way.

Those demands are far more than reasonable.

CTB may afford me the opportunity to surpass all of that. For anybody to make me want to live, they must prove to my exclusive satisfaction that they can supersede all of that on my behalf, but their words would automatically count against them.

 

[ontheedge81]

It’s a cruel disease for sure. Developed it at 36....after medication induced mania from steroid medication....trying to get medical care for my Crohn’s Disease, either in the ER or committing crimes and in jail...thankfully mental health course cleared me of a major sentence...long story short as I doubt ppl want to hear it... I’ve had a couple manic streaks since where I was reckless with money, sexually reckless, quit my job, went on an lsd streak this past summer and realized what I was truly up to when work related eviction hearing was happening. Months later, still severely depressed; my situation is so fucked that CTB is all I think about. Sucked all the air out of the room...haven’t laughed in months or enjoyed anything for months. And the realization that my depressed mind says I CANT DO ANYTHING, when there is action that I have to take. Behavioural Activation meetings on the phone w a mental health nurse sounds completely ridiculous. I can’t even be motivated to pack my things... Ontheedge81

Bipolar is a cruel disease . Winning the lottery can be a massive life changer especially for those who are struggling.
If you win the lottery dont go public!

So many fake people including shitty relatives wanting to be your friend.

Bad things have happened to people who won the lottery in Britain it has been dubbed the lotto curse

•Lottery couples getting divorced after winning
•Jane park she won the lottery at 17. She says winning the lottery made her miserable
•some people have gotten killed after winning the lottery

I dont want to die but i dont want to live to see the future as the future scares me

 

[ZardozOmega]

I'd have to get into a time machine and go back in time to stop myself from doing horrible things. I'm haunted by those things daily.

 

[lugerepair]

A cure for PMDD, or at the very least an effective treatment. The ability to live in an apartment that doesn't suck (and I'm not asking for the moon here, I'm not asking for anything that fancy. I just want an apartment where I can't hear the neighbors, with a washing machine and a dryer, where I have room to put my musical instruments and plants, with green spaces such as a nice park close by, with no roommates...but apparently, that IS asking for the moon). The ability to work only part-time or not work at all. And a family that is supportive. And having a friend or two (I do have a close friend but I'm afraid he is getting tired of how much of a downer I am). And a cat. That is all I ask for.

 

[ontheedge81]

Ontheedge81
Bipolar is a cruel disease . Winning the lottery can be a massive life changer especially for those who are struggling.
If you win the lottery dont go public!

So many fake people including shitty relatives wanting to be your friend.

Bad things have happened to people who won the lottery in Britain it has been dubbed the lotto curse

•Lottery couples getting divorced after winning
•Jane park she won the lottery at 17. She says winning the lottery made her miserable
•some people have gotten killed after winning the lottery

I dont want to die but i dont want to live to see the future as the future scares me

What about the future scares you?

I wish I could see a future with me in it. I used to have employment, not a job I loved, but a decent one. Not a high paying job, but one that paid the bills and I didn’t starve.
I agree about the pitfalls about winning the lotto...I guess it would be the pressure related to finances that hang over my head and cloud my future that the lotto would relieve.

I’m 39, had a few different jobs over the years and have a university education. A decent looking guy, so I’ve been told, but the bipolar is ruining me. Anyone have suggestions on how to deal with bipolar depression I, I am all ears...

thanks for the reply by the way...it was one of my first posts and I feel embarrassed even trying to find comfort on this site...I don’t want to die but this isn’t living...I want to live but as stupid as it may sound I don’t remember how...I don’t know who I am anymore...

I wrote a note the other night when I was spiralling really badly.

A cure for PMDD, or at the very least an effective treatment. The ability to live in an apartment that doesn't suck (and I'm not asking for the moon here, I'm not asking for anything that fancy. I just want an apartment where I can't hear the neighbors, with a washing machine and a dryer, where I have room to put my musical instruments and plants, with green spaces such as a nice park close by, with no roommates...but apparently, that IS asking for the moon). The ability to work only part-time or not work at all. And a family that is supportive. And having a friend or two (I do have a close friend but I'm afraid he is getting tired of how much of a downer I am). And a cat. That is all I ask for.

I wish for all of those things for you.

 

[Mer]

A body free of chronic pain.

A healthy mind, free of suicidal ideation.

100lbs lighter.

Zero debt.

A world that isn't collapsing and dying.

 

[ontheedge81]

I'd have to get into a time machine and go back in time to stop myself from doing horrible things. I'm haunted by those things daily.

Yeah I get that completely. A time machine for sure...and the knowledge of exactly when things began slipping out of my grasp...they say everything is a learning experience and that nothing is really bad or good, it just is, and that experience and learning is a stepping stone to a future...my rational, intellectual mind totally agrees and see that when I’m feeling good, or normal, but then with this depressed shit it all goes out the window and self loathing and that whole bag just sits on the head.
I avoid listening to music just because when I wake up in the morning a line from a song going through my mind over and over and over again...it could be a song I didn’t even listen to or thought about or even like....but the streak of spending money, being impulsive and being manic has got me into more trouble than I ever imagined...

time machine...yes...not cheating on a girlfriend with a bunch of different escorts only to end up leaving her to be with one of them, and she has caused more problems for me since that I am now codependent and in a toxic relationship with her nearly 9 years later...not dating and haven’t for a couple years now but living together...sorry I’m just spewing so much out. I have no much pain inside me and regret.
I’m so sorry you feel the way that you do. I wish I could get in that time machine with you. I hope that some peace finds you whatever that looks like...

 

[foreverlikethestars]

Not sure honestly. A friend or two would definitely be a start. I unfortunately undervalued connection with others growing up.

 

[ontheedge81]

A body free of chronic pain.

A healthy mind, free of suicidal ideation.

100lbs lighter.

Zero debt.

A world that isn't collapsing and dying.

Any kind of chronic pain or disease is so hard to live with...being free of suicidal ideation Im right there with you. Zero debt would be nice. Universe please, like I’ve asked many many times, grant me a huge lotto win tonight and I would help people on here no questions asked. Just email money transfers here, money order there...build a camp where people like us can go to escape life for a few weeks or more and get some real help.

 

[KleinerWolf]

Progress/Hope/Miracle

 

[ontheedge81]

A complete change in structure and functioning of society and human nature, with an emphasis freedom, justice, intelligence, and true equality.

More "realistically," a sense of purpose, no neurological problems, a steady source of disposable income, a nice place to live, social skills, friends who I can fit in with, and a new body. Maybe a romantic relationship.

So basically nothing acheivable.

Maybe some of that could be achievable...I fucking hate that when mental health is so bad that we all end up being clairvoyant and so certain about how pure shit everything is and ever will be.
You gave me the motivation to reply, so for a moment, you definitely have a purpose. Thank you.

 

[Thanatonaut]

I can answer this because it already happened 2 years ago. If I would be allowed to get my pain meds back so I can function as a person again, and get my job back, get my life back. I had a 2 year reprieve from CTB and this site. I think having had 2 years of good living makes it even worse. Anyway, now I'm back.

 

[ontheedge81]

Progress/Hope/Miracle

I feel that. Completely. Makes me cry.

 

[FireFox]

What about the future scares you?

I wish I could see a future with me in it. I used to have employment, not a job I loved, but a decent one. Not a high paying job, but one that paid the bills and I didn’t starve.
I agree about the pitfalls about winning the lotto...I guess it would be the pressure related to finances that hang over my head and cloud my future that the lotto would relieve.

I’m 39, had a few different jobs over the years and have a university education. A decent looking guy, so I’ve been told, but the bipolar is ruining me. Anyone have suggestions on how to deal with bipolar depression I, I am all ears...

thanks for the reply by the way...it was one of my first posts and I feel embarrassed even trying to find comfort on this site...I don’t want to die but this isn’t living...I want to live but as stupid as it may sound I don’t remember how...I don’t know who I am anymore...

I wrote a note the other night when I was spiralling really badly.

I wish for all of those things for you.

Ontheedge81
The future scares me because i am scared i wont be successful, still single and living a boring meaningless life.

There are loads of forum members with bipolar here . I have noticed on this site i been around on this site for many months.

create about thread living about bipolar you or asking if anyone is bipolar. Then you will find the bipolar memebers
This way you can talk to people like you and people who understand.
I am not bipolar i dont understand what you are going through. All i can do is educate myself and be compassionate.

Actually you sound like me
I dont want to die but i dont want to live my life in its current form.

I hope things work out for you. Everyone deserves happiness including you.

Remember people with bipolar have done amazing things with thier lives . Forget the celebrities for minute

Vincent van gough suffered bipolar and became the worlds greatest artists.
Virginia wolf the writer suffered from bipolar
Take care
Love
FireFox

 

[ontheedge81]

I can answer this because it already happened 2 years ago. If I would be allowed to get my pain meds back so I can function as a person again, and get my job back, get my life back. I had a 2 year reprieve from CTB and this site. I think having had 2 years of good living makes it even worse. Anyway, now I'm back.

Yeah when I went away from this site and even though it wasn’t awesome but at least didn’t think about CTB, I agree with you completely...feels so much worse that I’m back in this mindset.

 

[Deleted member 23374]

A bona fide miracle. Nothing less.