I’ve tried my last resort. Now I’m just using vices (legal ones - food, alcohol, cigarettes) to keep myself going until a miracle happens (either something changes or I find the ability to ctb). I actually experienced the ego death I think you are referring to but I experienced it after a significant traumatic event rather than from psychedelics. It just felt like my whole mind reset and it was like I was just at one with myself and the environment. I could still experience emotions, but I felt like my window of tolerance swung back open to a pre-traumatised state. It wasn’t a euphoric experience, but it was a liberating, neutral one. No anxiety about the future because the moment was all that I focused on. During this time I even started having ESP-like experiences as well, one example being having a song in my head all day and then that song being the first to play in my YouTube mix (which is random each time and has 100’s of songs) and I’d literally never searched for that song before. I didn’t even know the name of it.
Sadly this free mindset didn’t last, only for about 2-4weeks, can’t say exactly as it felt like it came back slowly but really fast at the same time. This was just earlier this year and I haven’t experienced it since. This experience has however shown to be that I am in fact a significantly traumatised individual, and now I have more compassion for myself in that department.
