What was your first suicidal thought?

[9BBN]

I can't really remember mine, but an early one is wanting to fall off a bridge before coming home. I always remember it when I pass the bridge. I'm glad I didn't jump because it wasn't high enough. This was before I realized methods aren't that easy.

 

[Someone123]

In second grade I wished I could get cancer because of how terrible things were at home and because of this I didn't learn social skills and how to make friends.

 

[emptyjokes]

I used to walk to school and back home in middle school. I used to watch semi trucks and busses drive by when I would wait for the traffic crossing to turn. It occurred to me that all I had to do to make all of my issues go away was step a couple of feet out into the road at the right time.

Still wish I would have done it that first time, SI ruins everything.

 

[9BBN]

I used to walk to school and back home in middle school. I used to watch semi trucks and busses drive by when I would wait for the traffic crossing to turn. It occurred to me that all I had to do to make all of my issues go away was step a couple of feet out into the road at the right time.

Yeah, this is a realization I bet we've all been through. How easy it is to just step into traffic...

 

[ConstantPain]

I grew up living on a lake and would fantasize about drowning. I loved the lake and its' tranquility and it just seemed like going under the water and never coming up would be peaceful.
I realized sometime in my teens that in reality, my "plan" to swallow as much water as possible and breathe in deep would be painful and my body may try to save itself and force me back up. Then the fantasy changed to getting in a boating accident and going under water unconscious. That was appealing too because then it would seem like a total accident. That never happened and so here I still am, decades later.

Yeah, this is a realization I bet we've all been through. How easy it is to just step into traffic...

Absolutely!

 

[FuneralCry]

I cannot remember the first exact thought of suicide that I had, but I just remember at a very young age finding death to be comforting and wishing that I was no longer here. I have no memories of ever wanting to live and being suicidal is who I am.

 

[Someone123]

I cannot remember the first exact thought of suicide that I had, but I just remember at a very young age finding death to be comforting and wishing that I was no longer here. I have no memories of ever wanting to live and being suicidal is who I am.

Was there abuse or neglecct when you were young that led to this? Usually this is what leads to early depression, but it may not be in every case.

 

[FuneralCry]

Was there abuse or neglecct when you were young that led to this? Usually this is what leads to early depression, but it may not be in every case.

No not at all, but I guess part of my reason for never wanting to live has been because of autism, I have never been able to cope with life and I am not meant for this world.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

I think the very first time I ever thought about suicide or wished I didn't exist is when I was in Middle school still. That is when my dad seemed to drink the most alcohol. He always had anger issues before then, so I know where I got it from, but for whatever reason he became a total asshole then, and it made me wish I could die. Things got better for a while after that, so it's hard to remember what my exact thoughts were.

 

[Anonymus]

The vast majority of the thoughts that I thought were suicidal throughout my life were not, they were just fears in the form of intrusive thoughts (OCD).

Now, I have had a real desire to die a few times, but always in the midst of severe suffering that made me long for death as an ideal solution to the discomfort it caused me.

But last year I went from fear and desire, to a more visceral and impulsive attitude that was difficult to restrain, before I knew it I was already going to the balcony and I stopped forcibly a few steps (it only ended when I gave myself up for dead and especially when I met her ... all this lasted 15 days of pure nightmare).

But now I am more driven by reflection than by fear, desire or impulsivity... there is a part of reason quite grounded in my personal situation and in the absolute certainty that what is to come will make things much more difficult for me.

I try not to think too much but every day that goes by keeps reminding me....

Spoiler: Original Text

La immensa majoría dels pensaments que pensava que eren suïcides al llarg de la meva vida no ho eren pas, només eren pors en forma de pensaments introsius (TOC).

Ara bé, si he tingut el veritable desig de morir unes poques vegades, però sempre enmig d'un fort patiment que em feia anhelar la mort com una sol·lució idònea al malestar que em feia aquest.

L'any passat però vaig passar de la por i del desig, per ser una actitud més visceral i impulsiva que em costava refrenar, abans d'adonar-me'n ja anava cap al balcó i em parava de forma forçada als pocs passos (només és va acabar quan em vaig donar per mort i sobretot quan la vaig conèixer a ella... tot plegat 15 dies va durar aquell malsón).

Però ara em mou més la reflexió per davant de la por, el desig o la impulsivitat.. hi ha una part de raó força fonamentada en la meva situació personal i en la absoluta certesa de que el que hi ha per endavant em farà les coses molt més difícils.

Intento no pensar-hi gaire però cada día que passa s'entesta en recordar-m'ho...

 

[Shivali]

Ich kann mich nicht genau an den ersten Selbstmordgedanken erinnern, den ich hatte, aber ich erinnere mich, dass ich in sehr jungen Jahren den Tod als tröstend empfand und wünschte, ich wäre nicht mehr hier. Ich habe keine Erinnerungen daran, ursprünglich leben zu wollen, und Selbstmordgedanken sind das, was ich bin.

Ja. Hier gilt das gleiche. Als kleines Mädchen habe ich mich gefragt, warum ich hier bin, ungeliebt, ungewollt, verloren ohne Zuhause. Seit diesen frühen Jahren habe ich Heimweh. Ich kam aus dem Nichts und sehne mich verzweifelt zurück ...

 

[Anonymus]

Ja. Hier gilt das gleiche. Als kleines Mädchen habe ich mich gefragt, warum ich hier bin, ungeliebt, ungewollt, verloren ohne Zuhause. Seit diesen frühen Jahren habe ich Heimweh. Ich kam aus dem Nichts und sehne mich verzweifelt zurück ...

It's in German, I say that because sometimes the web translator makes a good mess of my texts and I wonder if it hasn't happened to you. If not, ignore what I wrote to you.
//
Està en alemany, ho dic perquè de vegades el traductor web em fa un bons embolics amb els meus textes i penso si no t'ha passat igual. Si no és així no facis cas del que t'he escrit.

 

[Someone123]

No not at all, but I guess part of my reason for never wanting to live has been because of autism, I have never been able to cope with life and I am not meant for this world.

Autism is something that there is a whole spectrum, from higher functioning to more challenging. Your posts here are well wriitten, so that's a good thing. So social connections may be difficult for you, do you have some family or friends you can talk to?

 

[Shivali]

Es ist auf Deutsch, ich sage das, weil der Web-Übersetzer manchmal meine Texte durcheinander bringt und ich mich frage, ob Ihnen das nicht passiert ist. Wenn nicht, ignoriere, was ich dir geschrieben habe.
//
Està en alemany, ho dic perquè de vegades el traductor web em fa un bons embolics amb els meus textes i penso si no t'ha passat igual. Si no és així no facis cas del que t'he escrit.

Dann schreib ich Dir ein Danke auf Deutsch. Ein ganz schönes Durcheinander. Ich hatte den Text an Funeral cry tatsächlich mühsam auf Englisch geschrieben. Dieser Übersetzer macht mich ganz verrückt . Sag, in welcher Sprache wird dir dieser Text nun angezeigt!?

 

[Sadness20]

"It's all so hard. I don't want this pain anymore. I want this pain to stop. Maybe I should go in front of a car"

 

[Anonymus]

Dann schreib ich Dir ein Danke auf Deutsch. Ein ganz schönes Durcheinander. Ich hatte den Text an Funeral cry tatsächlich mühsam auf Englisch geschrieben. Dieser Übersetzer macht mich ganz verrückt . Sag, in welcher Sprache wird dir dieser Text nun angezeigt!?

In German, hahaha. Nothing happens, technology is a matter of patience.
//
En alemany, jajaja. No passa rés, la tecnologia és qüestió de paciència.
//
Auf Deutsch, hahaha. Es passiert nichts, Technik ist Geduldssache.

 

[Someone123]

No not at all, but I guess part of my reason for never wanting to live has been because of autism, I have never been able to cope with life and I am not meant for this world.

Your posts are so insightful and compassionate, they help a lot of people.

 

[Shivali]

Auf Deutsch, hahaha. Es passiert nichts, Technik ist Geduldssache.
//
En alemany, jajaja. No passa rés, la tecnologia és qüestió de paciència.
//
Auf Deutsch, hahaha. Es passiert nichts, Technik ist Geduldssache.

Ohhh Mann! Danke .... da kann ich wohl nichts machen, ausser geduldig zu sein ..

 

[FuneralCry]

Autism is something that there is a whole spectrum, from higher functioning to more challenging. Your posts here are well wriitten, so that's a good thing. So social connections may be difficult for you, do you have some family or friends you can talk to?

Talking would never help anything and would not take away any of my suffering. I do have family members, but I spend most of my time alone and do not like talking much. There are many reasons why I do not want to exist and why I find life to be awful. Nothing could ever change and that is just the way that things are.

 

[Anonymus]

Ohhh Mann! Danke .... da kann ich wohl nichts machen, ausser geduldig zu sein ..

If it suits you, I tried several browsers at once to choose one that would help me both to translate and read the texts automatically and at the same time return to the original writing easily.
And all this combined with Google, Bing and DeepL web translators.

An odyssey.
//
Si et serveix, jo vaig provar diversos navegadors alhora de triar-ne un que em servís tant per traduïr i llegir els textos de forma automàtica com al mateix temps tornar a al escrit original de forma fàcil.

I tot això combinant-t'ho amb el traductors web de Google, Bing i DeepL..
Tota una odisea.
//
Wenn es Ihnen passt, habe ich mehrere Browser gleichzeitig ausprobiert, um einen auszuwählen, der mir hilft, die Texte sowohl automatisch zu übersetzen und zu lesen als auch gleichzeitig leicht zur ursprünglichen Schrift zurückzukehren.
Und das alles kombiniert mit Google-, Bing- und DeepL-Webübersetzern.

Eine Odyssee.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

No not at all, but I guess part of my reason for never wanting to live has been because of autism, I have never been able to cope with life and I am not meant for this world.

I hope it's okay if I ask about this, but were you diagnosed with it when you were young or did you find out later in life? The only reason I ask is because I've suspected for years that I might either have a form of autism, or something else that's similar, but even though I tried to figure it out, it ended up getting nowhere.

All I know for sure is, I've always felt defective my whole life and way too soft for this hard, uncaring world we live in. It's almost like I was set up to fail from day one, so I was probably doomed to end up here since the beginning.

 

[Shivali]

Wenn es Ihnen passt, habe ich mehrere Browser gleichzeitig ausprobiert, um einen auszuwählen, der mir hilft, die Texte sowohl automatisch zu übersetzen und zu lesen als auch gleichzeitig leicht zur ursprünglichen Schrift zurückzukehren.
Und das alles kombiniert mit Google-, Bing- und DeepL-Webübersetzern.

Eine Odyssee.
//
Si et serveix, jo vaig provar diversos navegadors alhora de triar-ne un que em servís tant per traduïr i llegir els textos de forma automàtica com al mateix temps tornar a al escrit original de forma facil.

I tot això combinant-t'ho amb el traductors web de Google, Bing i DeepL..
Tota una odisea.
//
Wenn es Ihnen passt, ich mehrere gleichzeitig Browser ausprobiert, um habe einen ausgewählten, der mir hilft, die Texte sowohl automatisch zu übersetzen und zu lesen als auch gleichzeitig leicht zur ursprünglichen Schrift erneut.
Und das alles kombiniert mit Google-, Bing- und DeepL-Webübersetzern.

Eine Odyssee.

Super. Klingt so als würdest du dich gut auskennen mit diesem Teufelswerk Internet. Ich bin ein völliger Idiot in diesen Sachen u grade mal froh wenn ich die Basisfunktionen meines Smartphones nutzen kann.

Danke Dir nochmal

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope it's okay if I ask about this, but were you diagnosed with it when you were young or did you find out later in life? The only reason I ask is because I've suspected for years that I might either have a form of autism, or something else that's similar, but even though I tried to figure it out, it ended up getting nowhere.

All I know for sure is, I've always felt defective my whole life and way too soft for this hard, uncaring world we live in. It's almost like I was set up to fail from day one, so I was probably doomed to end up here since the beginning.

It was when I was very young, I have been diagnosed basically my whole life.

 

[brand666]

for me , it was sad music and toughts to ctb in live or with a group of people .

 

[Lizzy2k22]

I was driving a car at high speed on a bridge across the lakes. it was fast, about 200, I realized that I could turn over the road barrier (there is a fiction in our country)
sorry, I am writing through a translator

 

[Tysiiaczeq]

I dont really remember mine, its been so long. Once I was like 9 and got in trouble with the feds (i suck at pranking) and on the way back to my Mums w the police (im about to get snitched on) I was thinking "If I COULD, I'd kill myself RIGHT NOW" but that was just under the circumstances cause I was scared of the cops and looking back, kinda funny lol.
But I remember when I was like 11 and raging mad at everything. I swallowed a bunch of pills out of my Mums cabinet. I was young and didnt know my shit, so nothing happened cause the pills were basically harmless (danger level: vitamin) lmao. That must've been one of the first times, only got worse since then:/
Edit: at the time, I really thought I could just take a bunch of random pills and die. Ctb isnt as easy as they say.

 

[noname223]

I wanted to jump out of the car. We drove very fast. I was like 8 years old. I had an argument with my abusive mom. I was stunned by the thought. I felt bad and thought this might be an evil thought.

But the really bad suicidal thoughts started with 15. And some years later they have become even way worse.

 

[dtjb]

I don't remember what my first was, but early on in my life, around 11 or 12, I got obsessed with Jeremy by Pearl Jam. I didn't relate to the subject of the song really b/c I had other stuff going on. But I have never forgotten the look on the kid's face before he pulls the gun out in the video and have always hoped I could have the same conviction when I choose to go. I'm a coward though, so that's unlikely.

 

[outrider567]

Wasn't really a thought in my whole life---But when the doctor told me that my girlfriend was 'not doing well' last January and after I saw that she was barely conscious, and as I left the hospital a few hours later, suicide for me immediately came to mind, because I knew then that my life would immediately become a depressing hellhole without her , and it did become that, and still is now, and it always will be

 

[lofticries]

Having problems in 1st grade and wishing I could dissappear. Also liked the idea of dying as a kid at that age. I was more infatuated with my potential funeral than say the normie thoughts of weddings and such. I also wanted to become a ghost.