Discussion What was the last straw for you?

[Tumblewillow]

As the title says. What was the final thing that happened to make you want to CTB?

 

[hankly]

Psychosis and really really bad series of events to now being irreversibly fucked :)

 

[bankai]

For me, the decision has been a slow process. To quote someone else on the site, years of existing as a meat puppet, just going through the motions have led me to the decision.

I am planning a few trips to travel here and there. I'll see if I am at least a little bit happy during or after that. I already have a very good idea how it's going to go. I'm just going to be irritated at the flight times and having to carry the luggage and dealing with all the other ********.

 

[Forveleth]

For me, it was just a slow wearing down of everything I was as a human. I am in a not great relationship, I have worked hard for many years with very little social support, and the world is going to hell in a handbasket. I got to a point where one day a switch flipped in my head and I said, "You know what? I am actually okay with forfeiting the rest of my life if it gets me away from all this bullshit." I just decided one day that I was done living. Like, no thank you. That's it. I'm done.

 

[Seaghost]

A giant gate which I ignored all the years that shows me a different view of the past and that some things never can be fixed. Including myself.

 

[Ihatemonday]

PTSD

 

[darksouls]

when I was younger it was humanitys ignorance
all the violent crimes were unbearable for me
now my poor health will force me to ctb

 

[quietwoods]

Realized in 2020/2021 that, being neurodivergent, I wasn't going to be able to work 30-40 years until retirement. I don't have a problem contributing to society, but I cannot work the same job day after day after day, and need long periods of rest to recover. Was very suicidal from working + going to school full time.

Quit that job when I graduated and threw all the money I had on a multi-month backpacking trip. Gave me a new lease on life for a while. Been three years at my current job, getting very burned out again. Body started degenerating from some disease and I've lost a ton of muscle mass. Weak and everything hurts. 1.5 years of treatment with no diagnosis and thousands down the drain has me questioning how much more effort is worth it.

All that combined with no clear purpose and a general incompatibility with people that hinders good friendships and the possibility of a romantic partner has led me to the point of asking how much longer is this all worth continuing.

And throw in on top of that the realization I've come to in the past few months, after decades of explaining away and repressing, that I was most likely meant to be born a woman.

Fun times

 

[lemonandcapers]

As the title says. What was the final thing that happened to make you want to CTB?

I had a mental health crisis in April that caused me to go off the rails mentally. The ongoing political tension and potential lack of a future made me realize that I potentially don't have a future. After some reflection, I realized I had been telling myself lies for the past several years. I held onto hope it would get better, but it just got worse. They say that from rock bottom, the only way that you can go is up, but I keep finding lower depths. If this is not rock bottom, I don't want to be there when I hit it.

I am also becoming increasingly miserable, not being able to see people outside my family for weeks on end. My poor physical health is to blame for this. I don't know how long I can do it for.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I've had ideation for decades for varying reasons. I suppose it's become so much more intense since my coping mechanism (being creative) started to fail. Now, it just feels like all I'm left with is a sequence of things I don't want to do. So- what's the point? For now, it's so as not to upset my Dad but, I'm hoping that I'll have the guts to free myself when he goes.

 

[ashendreams]

i cant remember a time that i didnt want to ctb, but i assume i first decided i wanted to do it because of bullying and abuse as a child

 

[FuneralCry]

Existing is what makes me wish for non-existence, for me existence itself is always the problem and simply just being conscious in this deeply undesirable, torturous existence is enough to make me wish for the peace of an eternal dreamless sleep and I suffer simply from existing. It's all just so dreadful and terrible to me and more than anything I wish this existence was never imposed, I find it such a tragedy how I had to suffer in this existence, for me only non-existence is positive.

I'll just always see it as the most undesirable burden to exist and I'd just always prefer to sleep permanently than be burdened with this existence capable of suffering to unlimited extents destined to decay and die anyway and I suffer simply from existing, I'll always see existence as an abomination that just causes harm and suffering with no limit as to how much one can be tortured until non-existence takes away all anyway.

 

[usernamesarehard]

I guess it depends on what you mean by made me want to ctb.

If you mean what made me suicidal then depression.

If you mean what made me finally start to make a plan and want to actually make an attempt then a break up.

 

[UserFromNowhere]

The last straw would be something major happening in my life that cannot be controlled or planned for that pushes me over the edge. I have the materials to commit suicide, mental illness throws a rope around my throat every day, but there's not quite the determination that others have to end it all; the determination to say, in spite of the finality of death, that it's worth it to commit. But my words could be survival instinct rationalizing itself.

 

[just a bird]

If being in love and being loved in return does not make me want to stay, what is there to live for?

 

[LeavingEarly]

Running out of money . Homeless is terrible.

 

[Mors.Mors.Mors]

Psychosis and really really bad series of events to now being irreversibly fucked :)

Hey! That's literally me. I also had a psychosis and my health is really fucked up.

 

[dearlydeparted44]

For me, I guess it was arriving at the epiphany that the life I was striving for and struggling for all these years was never going to be. Realizing that the world I was trying to live in never existed. I guess just simply realizing my truth. That I was never meant for this world. The year 2020 and navigating the post-COVID world (and seeing where it's headed) makes ctb not only easy, but common sense.

 

[hankly]

Hey! That's literally me. I also had a psychosis and my health is really fucked up.

Twinsies, would love to chat about it and everything

 

[heartinparadise]

Time! it's really good at wearing a person weary

 

[J&L383]

PTSD

CPTSD

 

[Ligottian]

I have a long list of last straws. I'm at the point now where I feel I'm just a trauma or two away from finally pulling the plug.

 

[TAW122]

It would be hard to pinpoint to any exact last straw, but I would say various events growing up as well as seeing the state of things and knowing my position in society, I was like "nah, I don't want to live for decades and more" and then I started to embrace CTB as an option.

 

[Terminonaris]

I got a new family doctor recently and he told me that nothing can be done for me, that I need therapy and that some health problems just can't be treated. I got sick over 5 years ago and it's destroyed every aspect of my life. I live with chronic pain and can't eat most days and can't eat most things and rarely sleep through the night even with sleeping meds because no one will treat my pain. And I finally realized, I have to come to terms with the fact that my life ended 5 years ago. That everyone telling me "it'll get better" for 5 years was lying to me. I realized I have to make peace with my life being over. So now I'm looking at what I can do next. There's no point in me being here anymore to suffer and starve and lay awake at night wondering why everyone else got to have the life they wanted except me. I know I'll never get access to health care cuz I'm just a hysterical woman who never had kids, and I don't feel like spending 50 years suffering and starving and being poor.