Help What to do…

[persepexa]

So my AE is coming either Monday or Tuesday. I have my SN. By all accounts I should be able to CTB next week. There are 2 things I need to consider. Next Saturday is my 30th birthday. I have no plans for it I just feel it would be really upsetting. Also, and this is the big one, my aunt is dying. She and my mother are very close and the whole family is devastated. She was given the news about a month ago and she's still with us. We have no idea how long she has left but she is definitely dying and there is nothing the doctors can do. I am desperate to CTB but losing a sibling and a child so close together would destroy my mother. I don't know what to do. On the one hand selfishly I just can't stand my life any more, I hate myself and I don't want to be here. On the other hand, as hard as it is going to be for my mother anyway, losing us both within weeks will devastate her to the point of a mental breakdown. I know my mother, I know that's too much for her to take. They will also hate me for it because I have known about this since she first got the news. It's not a coincidence. They will know that I heard about my aunt, planned my own CTB, considered how it would impact them to lose us both at the same time, and did it anyway. I really don't know what to do.

 

[spero_meliora]

you can always delay until the time is "right" (as right as it can ever be) - the bus makes many stops. you don't have to catch this specific one. if you're having trepidation about it and it's giving you pause, that might be something to heavily consider.

 

[persepexa]

you can always delay until the time is "right" (as right as it can ever be) - the bus makes many stops. you don't have to catch this specific one. if you're having trepidation about it and it's giving you pause, that might be something to heavily consider.

My only concern is that the timing is going to make it so much worse. I still feel this is the right option for me, but I might have to delay.

 

[eggsausagerice]

I still feel this is the right option for me, but I might have to delay.

how long do you think you'd need to wait after your aunt died? it's hard to know how much time should pass. i think that it'd probably be really emotionally taxing on your mom if she had to deal with 2 deaths in the family, but i wouldn't know when your mom might be in a stable enough mindset for you to ctb. i do recommend waiting if you think it's the right thing to do.

 

[persepexa]

how long do you think you'd need to wait after your aunt died? it's hard to know how much time should pass. i think that it'd probably be really emotionally taxing on your mom if she had to deal with 2 deaths in the family, but i wouldn't know when your mom might be in a stable enough mindset for you to ctb. i do recommend waiting if you think it's the right thing to do.

My mother is incredibly emotional and sensitive at the best of times. She cries at the drop of a hat. If I'm honest it would probably take her years to get over her sister's death and I just don't have it in me to wait that long. I think I should wait but the longer I wait the harder it will be for me to actually go through with it. I'm so confused.