what to do when you can't work or take care of yourself?

[vkore]

i turned 21 today. i've been depressed since i was 12. i have severe social anxiety, ocd, autism, adhd, depression and bipolar. i genuinely feel like working any job is impossible for me. i haven't even completed any vocational schools (i live in finland, and most people going to vocational school go when they're 15-16 like me, and graduate at 18-19)

i've had internships, but no matter how hard i tried, i had to quit all of them eventually. usually within the first few weeks. i'm terrified of talking to people, any kind of responsibility, and because of my ocd, i'm constantly scared of terrible things happening to me at any time.

i don't have friends that care about me. my family is sick of my depression. i can't keep my apartment or myself clean. the only thing i have energy for is feeding my cats and scooping the litterbox. i can't even take the trash outside because i have agoraphobia, so my apartment pretty much smells and looks like a garbage dump.

i genuinely cannot see any other way out of this than taking my own life. but i still want to be happy and live. but no matter how hard i try, that seems completely impossible.

and i've been in therapy for 8 years. done different kinds of treatments. tried about 20 different meds. nothing works, because the problem is me. but i can't fix it.

 

[arnxxx]

I might have asked you this before but have you tried RTMS or ECT or esketamine yet? These are 'last resort' treatments for people that are resistent to therapy and meds.

I don't know where you live but here in NL we got something called 'neighborhood team', people that help you with whatever you can't achieve. They help me organise my activities.

Are you seeing any professional right now because they could also help you with the daily tasks

 

[Meteora]

I m very sorry to read that..... you seem in a truly difficult position and I relate very much. You have so many different issues.... it probably all stems from the autism or what do you think?
It is great that you can take care of your kitties <3. Is there no special facilities for young autistic people in Finland? It would surely help you to have people help you with what you cannot do by yourself.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry you're struggling so much in life and and you wanna live - that's hell. I don't know what you could do too improve your life quality. but @arnxxx suggested some things. That should be available in Finland one of the most developed countries afaik.

Meds won't solve your issue, but do u have an idea what caused your MH issues? R those triggers still active?

 

[DefinitelyReady]

i turned 21 today. i've been depressed since i was 12. i have severe social anxiety, ocd, autism, adhd, depression and bipolar. i genuinely feel like working any job is impossible for me. i haven't even completed any vocational schools (i live in finland, and most people going to vocational school go when they're 15-16 like me, and graduate at 18-19)

i've had internships, but no matter how hard i tried, i had to quit all of them eventually. usually within the first few weeks. i'm terrified of talking to people, any kind of responsibility, and because of my ocd, i'm constantly scared of terrible things happening to me at any time.

i don't have friends that care about me. my family is sick of my depression. i can't keep my apartment or myself clean. the only thing i have energy for is feeding my cats and scooping the litterbox. i can't even take the trash outside because i have agoraphobia, so my apartment pretty much smells and looks like a garbage dump.

i genuinely cannot see any other way out of this than taking my own life. but i still want to be happy and live. but no matter how hard i try, that seems completely impossible.

and i've been in therapy for 8 years. done different kinds of treatments. tried about 20 different meds. nothing works, because the problem is me. but i can't fix it.

I finally didnt have the energy for the litter boxes and let my indoor cats out. A few months later, my oldest beloved didnt come back. That's one of the reasons I cant live anymore. I cant live with that guilt. Goos luck.

 

[Meteora]

I finally didnt have the energy for the litter boxes and let my indoor cats out. A few months later, my oldest beloved didnt come back. That's one of the reasons I cant live anymore. I cant live with that guilt. Goos luck.

Oh no ... so sad. I m sorry.
You should never just leave indoor cats out, it can be too much, especially if they re old. They have to get used to it slowly.
But maybe he found another home.
Such mistakes can happen .

 

[DefinitelyReady]

Oh no ... so sad. I m sorry.
You should never just leave indoor cats out, it can be too much, especially if they re old. They have to get used to it slowly.
But maybe he found another home.
Such mistakes can happen .

Well it was gradual. We moved to a creek from the city where he could go in and out as he pleased. When we moved he started to get bladder stones, I think because he was so unhappy not being able to go outside and from the move, and to a trailer the size of a shoebox. So with his bladder issues finally under controlled, and I didn't have to build a fort around the litter box and keep it cleaned and tape up puppy pads all day, my life was still litter with this new kitten I couldnt find a home for. Almost my entire day was doing litter and cleaning the floor, and I have ocd. I couldn't take it anymore. So I let them out and I hated it. But they came in all the time, in and out, in and out. Wake me up all night. He lost weight. He was happier. He was my baby but I cant take the guilt. Thank you though.

i turned 21 today. i've been depressed since i was 12. i have severe social anxiety, ocd, autism, adhd, depression and bipolar. i genuinely feel like working any job is impossible for me. i haven't even completed any vocational schools (i live in finland, and most people going to vocational school go when they're 15-16 like me, and graduate at 18-19)

i've had internships, but no matter how hard i tried, i had to quit all of them eventually. usually within the first few weeks. i'm terrified of talking to people, any kind of responsibility, and because of my ocd, i'm constantly scared of terrible things happening to me at any time.

i don't have friends that care about me. my family is sick of my depression. i can't keep my apartment or myself clean. the only thing i have energy for is feeding my cats and scooping the litterbox. i can't even take the trash outside because i have agoraphobia, so my apartment pretty much smells and looks like a garbage dump.

i genuinely cannot see any other way out of this than taking my own life. but i still want to be happy and live. but no matter how hard i try, that seems completely impossible.

and i've been in therapy for 8 years. done different kinds of treatments. tried about 20 different meds. nothing works, because the problem is me. but i can't fix it.

Im also 32 in the same boat. My grandmother and mom support me. It's terrible. Was denied disability last year too. Been in therapy and taking meds since I was 18. Hospitalized twice at 12. Sorry, it may not get better, but I really hope it does for you. This is hell.

I might have asked you this before but have you tried RTMS or ECT or esketamine yet? These are 'last resort' treatments for people that are resistent to therapy and meds.

I don't know where you live but here in NL we got something called 'neighborhood team', people that help you with whatever you can't achieve. They help me organise my activities.

Are you seeing any professional right now because they could also help you with the daily tasks

Spravato too. Thats covered by medicaid. Auvelity is hard to get covered on Medicaid but possible. Diazepam has been probably the only thing that has kept me from doing something rash like laying down on the freeway at night. I do Auvelity DIY. Have rx for wellbutrin and buy dextromethorphan off Amazon. Nothing has helped but for others it does. Good luck.

 

[Meteora]

Well it was gradual. We moved to a creek from the city where he could go in and out as he pleased. When we moved he started to get bladder stones, I think because he was so unhappy not being able to go outside and from the move, and to a trailer the size of a shoebox. So with his bladder issues finally under controlled, and I didn't have to build a fort around the litter box and keep it cleaned and tape up puppy pads all day, my life was still litter with this new kitten I couldnt find a home for. Almost my entire day was doing litter and cleaning the floor, and I have ocd. I couldn't take it anymore. So I let them out and I hated it. But they came in all the time, in and out, in and out. Wake me up all night. He lost weight. He was happier. He was my baby but I cant take the guilt. Thank you though.

I see.... very difficult.... but I don't think you are to blame. You did so much for him..... I hope you can forgive yourself. Do you have a picture of him?

 

[DefinitelyReady]

I see.... very difficult.... but I don't think you are to blame. You did so much for him..... I hope you can forgive yourself. Do you have a picture of him?

Thank you for being kind. Im 100% to blame and the same could happen to my other cat. Im just a shitty person period and I cant live with that. Again thank you for your kindness. I do have pics, but Im already crying and cant post it. It just makes it more true.

 

[Meteora]

Sending you many hugs.... I understand your pain.

 

[hopeless08]

Thank you for being kind. Im 100% to blame and the same could happen to my other cat. Im just a shitty person period and I cant live with that. Again thank you for your kindness. I do have pics, but Im already crying and cant post it. It just makes it more true.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through it must be a nightmare .I can relate with not being able to function. 9 years ago I was in a suicidal depression, had and still have BPD, severe anxiety and ocd. Ocd is horrible as it limits your ability to function. During that time I was so severely depressed that I was unable to care for myself, didn't go outside my apt for a year and a half. I couldn't see people but i had my beloved dog, who passed away, with me and I felt so guilty that I wasn't able to give him a better life, as in getting up, playing with him, taking him out for walks. When he passed I always thought about that and would ask him to forgive me but you know what it isn't our fault that we are sick and unable to do things, I tell myself that at least he knows how much I loved him regardless of my inability to care for him in the way I wanted to .I'm sure your cat is safe somewhere, please don't beat yourself up about that, you did the best you could do and showed him love by the simple act of cleaning his litter box and feeding him which in some people minds, may not see that as a difficult task but when you are in such a dark place, those simple tasks are so hard but despite you having to deal with all your mental illnesses you cared for him and he knows that so please don't blame yourself. You are beyond strong most people wouldn't be able to survive everything you're going through but I believe in your case that their might be hope at the end of the tunnel for the simple fact that you say want to get better and you want to be happy.
I know you've tried therapy and meds for years and nothing has worked but maybe there is some way, somehow that you can better . And again none of this is your fault you're doing your best and the fact that you care so much about your cats shows the kind hearted person you are.
You deserve so much better and I hope you can get better, in the meantime youvhave many people here that care and will listen, support you and try to help you as much ad possible as you go through these struggles.