Venting What the .... is going on ???

[Lostandfound7]

Just seeing how ur life has turned around in a matter of hrs, U have given me hope @Quarky00

 

[Deleted member 1465]

@Underscore , God , two weeks ! And for it to continue , thats awful . How do you survive?

SW said --

"People file complaints against me every day – if there's a week without I'm be surprised"​

I was stunned. I turned on my "full psycho mode". Told him being recorded bragging about malpractice is big faux pas -- start lawyering up. Things turned into Inquisition, I was nasty cold and cruel , and hammered through him. I told him "I got nothing to lose and I'm untraceable -- I can do anything I want" (smiling here). Target was severely distressed and panicking

Little weasel squirmed "what do you want me to do???".

I survive day to day by a daily overdose and constant diahorea.

Hahaha there is actually a twisted liberty in having nothing to lose and finally letting rip.
I always try to make allowances for people but sometimes it's good to shoot straight and give the useless fuckers what they deserve.

Some of us have genuine reasons we don't function great. Stupid and ignorant are not genuine reasons.

Just seeing how ur life has turned around in a matter of hrs, U have given me hope @Quarky00

Yeah Quarky you are a hero. Like my dad used to say. ..
Keep at it.

 

[Quarky00]

Told him I can burn the building , no one can find me .. lol

– "But you're not violent .."

– "Really? Let's see you on the streets. People change. You steal. Smash. Break. You destroy anyone in your way." (delivered super-cold)

– "Not afraid of jail?"

– "I'm wounded and starving ; I'd welcome a good knife fight with some porridge." (smiling)

This continued back and forth...
@Underscore , yeah spot on ;) I had periods like that and it destroyed my body. I can't imagine that constantly - do you absorb enough nutrients??
@Lostandfound7 not sure being a psycho is good , but yeah lol

 

[Lostandfound7]

Hahahahaha! Ur so crazy @Quarky00 !! Welllllll I sent that before I read of ur psychotic outburst!!! ..
NOW ur really living like the rich!

 

[Quarky00]

Unbelievable . Idiot owner made another overbooking , they need my current room -- I'm being moved to the penthouse tomorrow . Presidential suite , free of charge . This is crazy .

It may sound "great" but need to check homeless shelters tomorrow -- now I have to pack and move as well . Tight schedule . Stressful and I'm tired (knees hurt cant move much) . Hope I can organize my stuff quickly . My entire stay here ends in 36h (nowhere to go after). Anxious .

 

[Lostandfound7]

What @Quarky00 ??!!R u kidding me??!!! That is AMAZING! im telling u, u have given me SO MUCH HOPE! Homeless shelter?? At the rate ur going, he's prob gonna knock on ur door tomor n hand u the keys to a house!!! UNBELIEVABLE is CORRECT!

What @Quarky00 ??!!R u kidding me??!!! That is AMAZING! im telling u, u have given me SO MUCH HOPE! Homeless shelter?? At the rate ur going, he's prob gonna knock on ur door tomor n hand u the keys to a house!!! UNBELIEVABLE is CORRECT!

I really believe that ur life is about to turn around FOR THE GOOD!!.Ur stars are aligning my dear BFF

 

[Deleted member 1465]

What @Quarky00 ??!!R u kidding me??!!! That is AMAZING! im telling u, u have given me SO MUCH HOPE! Homeless shelter?? At the rate ur going, he's prob gonna knock on ur door tomor n hand u the keys to a house!!! UNBELIEVABLE is CORRECT!

I really believe that ur life is about to turn around FOR THE GOOD!!.Ur stars are aligning my dear BFF

Lol presidential suite? Seriously? That's amazing! You are going from rags to riches then back to rags again. I hope you can find something after that. Are you still feeling better than you were physically?

 

[Quarky00]

I don't have the energy for this . I just wanna die .

 

[Lostandfound7]

I don't have the energy for this . I just wanna die .

At least enjoy some more of the finer things in life for us before u go..Plz allow me to live vicariously thru u

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I don't have the energy for this . I just wanna die .

Nooo Quarky we are on your side, Team Quarky! You've come back from a really bad place to get this far. I've seen your resilience and humour and I know you can carry on, even though you feel like you want to die. I only know a tiny amount about you but I believe in you.

 

[Quarky00]

You are going from rags to riches then back to rags again.

Exactly lol . Two extremes , too much to handle , but will try enjoy @Lostandfound7 . Physically better , after 3 days of rest was approaching my "normal bearable" (can be active 2h per day) , now packing tired . Need week's rest asap /

I will carry on , I'm too overwhelmed by this to die now lol *facepalm* . And also this house changed me , "shock therapy"

 

[Lostandfound7]

Exactly lol . Two extremes , too much to handle , but will try enjoy @Lostandfound7 . Physically better , after 3 days of rest was approaching my "normal bearable" (can be active 2h per day) , now packing tired . Need week's rest asap /

I will carry on , I'm too overwhelmed by this to die now lol *facepalm* . And also this house changed me , "shock therapy"

Yes this has def been an overwhelming week for u! TEAM QUARKY!!

 

[Quarky00]

I won't be able to post more updates -- I'm going through these "8 stages of grief"


Sorry for joking , grief is not funny but devastating (closest friend lost to cancer). Anyway this stupid thing is helping my pain, well, after 2h of pounding my aching body. It helps. I feel bad posting this when everybody are miserable. I'm still miserable, just with a bit more physical comfort. I can't "enjoy" things.

Shelter interview went well. I was harassed by this menacing member of staff ( this one's for you @Jean4 ) . I loved animals but sadly couldn't care less in recent years. Kitty there jumped on me.


Shelter manager said: "Sure the system won't treat you -- intelligent person, so they think you can handle things. Poor you". I was surprised.

"Presidential suite" or "penthouse" was a hoax! Again poor ol' Quarky was deceived. Just a suite with a roof patio, massage bed, Jacuzzi (not working damn), etc. Who am I kidding this is amazing (40$ a night). Pictures do injustice. That bed is crazy. Patio is amazing. So is the view, 360. Jaw dropped. Sat outside mumbling "what the fuck" like a crazy person.... (which I am anyway)






Again I apologize for posting that in the suicide section, inappropriate and dumb...

Despite everything I'm detached & dissociative -- depression, hello. Recent extremes made it stronger. Need some peace soon, though not ctb, unless cornered (unlikely). I know things appear to be "getting better" but no reason to joy.. Nothing has turned around. My conditions are still there and I've had enough. Physical pain comes and goes, as usual. Going to shelter in 2 days . It's intimidating , people there are not well , I will have a roommate , not much privacy , and everyone are urging me to get hospitalized (stressful). Meanwhile trying to enjoy hour by hour , recuperating , occassional half-smile mixed with sorrow & gloom

 

[k75]

That cat looks like it's trying to shove a lot of love in you. I hope you can start feeling better.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Great pics, amazing to see. I know what you mean, just because you've had that slight upturn in fortunes, it doesn't mean its all sorted out and you are on the up. Still, fingers crossed for Team Quarky.

 

[Quarky00]

Out on the streets again . Had to check out now waiting for shelter manager . Anxious . Don't have much battery / wifi . Bit cold gong to McDonalds ? Hope things will be okay .

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Good luck with the shelter manager. Fingers crossed for you.

 

[cosmicpixiedust]

Good luck with the shelter! I'm very glad you are okay! I'm keeping you in my thoughts and sending positive vibes your way.

 

[Quarky00]

Not good . 4H outside . Raining . Shelter no answer . Cannot carry bag longer . Wish I was dead . CTB > HOMELESS .

 

[cosmicpixiedust]

Please hold on just a little bit longer, things are reeeally rough right now but they've been improving. We love you and are here for you.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

We are here Quarky. On your side. If only there was something we could do. What can I do to help?

 

[Quarky00]

Update: reasonably safe .

I called 3 different staff members but no one answered . Finally manager did , no one here to admit me -- but I can come and rest .

I broke several times on my way -- physically collapsed . Shaking from muscle stress (not the cold) .Took an hour and a half to walk 3 miles . Now resting at shelter's backyard , ironically still "outside" ;) I have anxiety of crowded small spaces , like their kitchenette .

I CANNOT take pills here . I was told to keep my benzo a secret , and take it in the bathroom .. bit distressed because I cannot go inside . Rather sit peacefully & alone in the cold than stand there aimlessly . I was never a fan of the living


I CANNOT CTB ANYMORE .

First time in months I'm WITHOUT my reassuring SN/Ami kit somewhere . I miss it badly

 

[Deleted member 1465]

When is there gonna be someone there to sign you in? You need to be inside and at least safe. Arrrg I'm sorry about your kit and how that must feel. What happened to it?

 

[Quarky00]

When is there gonna be someone there to sign you in? You need to be inside and at least safe. Arrrg I'm sorry about your kit and how that must feel. What happened to it?

In 1 hour Bearable I guess .

I cannot ctb at a safe house , or risk the place that feeds me by bringing in chems/meds . I hid it in a small electricity closet -- at my old building It is safe there , just faraway , and not easily accessible.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I hope the weather isn't too bad then. Its been hailstones all day here. One more hour. You really are living by the hour aren't you?

 

[Quarky00]

Hailstones Like the big one?

Just light rain (I'm dry) . Yard not windy , so no wind chill . 1H passed . Let's see when I'll break . (where's that hypothermia thread? lol)

 

[nitrogen]

Ohh @Quarky00 , it breaks my heart to see an intelligent person with so many wonderful qualities like you suffer through this hardship.

where's that hypothermia thread? lol

Well, I posted this gif on that hypothermia thread. Dunno whether you'd find it offensive or funny. You seem to have a high tolerance for my deviant humor.

I love mentally torturing and secretly recording psychiatrists .

Lol, you're just like me. The folks I love to mindfuck the most are psychiatrists and lawyers.

 

[Quarky00]

Good news is I'm developing endurance , both for cold and urine retention . I think I'm now actually ready to be street dweller. Practice makes perfect

Manager finally came , tired and frustrated , joked "you're big trouble!" lol (because they have no room) but he'll find a solution .

I'm watching quietly how people interact and their body language , routines , hierarchy, and the 'clans' around here . I'm also eavesdroping staff , and overall gathering intelligence . This effort is wasted on this lovely place , my faculties would have been better used at a mental institution . I love mentally torturing and secretly recording psychiatrists .

Okay manager call me .. I'm outside .. something is happening

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Fingers crossed

 

[Quarky00]

@nitrogen I think I remember that gif Pretty similar. I am very offended, and I shall consult my solicitor.

So I was moved through several safe houses *Quarky on the run* (while milking information from manager). It's a flat and I'll be sleeping in the living room for few days until they find me permanent room.

There's TONS of food here. En masse. Huge trays. Freshly baked and delicious.

Manager is an angel. He was at committee hearings today regarding rehabilitation. He's doing privately what the state refuses to. He now wasted 1h on cleaning this flat and installing streamer for big screen tv for me (well I was just a hook but you get the type).

So all and all I'm okay. For now. Ta-da-da-dam!

Yeah nitro, it's really annoying that I have the capabilities and will to do lots of things -- just disabled (without assistance;)