What stage of ctb are you at?

[Morpheus]

I tried hanging last night. I screwed up something didn't pass out/so I am trying again tonight :)

Best to you, my friend

 

[Xerxes]

Many factors contribute. I hate what my death will do to my mother and sister. There's still a part of me that's curious what life might yet bring, despite my certainty that things are only going to get worse --I've never been good at leaving the cinema before the end of a film, even when it's a film I don't like. Most of all, I can't fully believe how badly my life has collapsed, and that disbelief is a constant delusional voice saying, "but wait, this might all be a nightmare that you're about to wake from." It has all gone so incredibly, completely wrong, in so short a time, that it genuinely defies belief.

Then there's that damned survival instinct...

That is unfortunate and fortunate to have close ties to family. I have my wife to think about and if I go, she'll be devastated. If we divorced and she ends up hating me, then she won't care if I CTB or not. Your inner voice is hopeful and optimistic. Mine is self-loathing. Both our hearts are in limbo until we can't take it anymore.

 

[Made4TV]

I'm ready and kinda had a date set next week...but other circumstances have gotten in the way. Not sure where that leaves me right now. In limbo I guess.

 

[TiredHorse]

That is unfortunate and fortunate to have close ties to family. I have my wife to think about and if I go, she'll be devastated. If we divorced and she ends up hating me, then she won't care if I CTB or not. Your inner voice is hopeful and optimistic. Mine is self-loathing. Both our hearts are in limbo until we can't take it anymore.

My inner voice is gibbering and delusional and a goddamned nuisance. My Beloved was right: I'm a coward who can't reach out for what I really want. There's a good reason she left me to get pregnant by another man.

I'm sorry you can't just place yourself in the hands of your wife and let her comfort you, shield you from the tortures of life, even just for a little while. I think mine might have, once, had I known to ask.

Might try tonight. Wait until I know she's asleep, then go drive past her apartment, see her car parked outside, force in the knife of knowing that she's gone, then come back to this empty house and turn on the gas. Or maybe I'll say "fuck it," go to bed, and wake up tomorrow just as stuck as I am today.

Anybody else here sympathize with the critters in the La Brea tar pits? You know it's just a matter of time before you're sucked under, but the waiting is hell.

 

[Rose190021]

I'm in between two spots. I want to ctb but I'm still thinking. I also have a plan to overdose and I've looked up the medication and max dosaging but I just don't know yet if that's the right method for me.

 

[Virgo]

Hours away.

 

[BellaKAT]

i've got a plan, hoping it will work.. i have responsibilities that make the right timing hard to find, but eventually just got to do it anyway. tentative date is late december. ugh i feel like i'm ready to go tonight - wish it didn't take so much effort.

 

[KadathianStr1d3r]

My plan will work, need to wait until snowstorms are harsh and also I need to fail my exams too so I can strengthen the hopelessness once I make the trek.

 

[stargazer]

I'm literally just waiting for someone local here in Australia, to respond to any of my post and reposts in the partners mega thread. Once a partner comes along, then it's simply a matter of me sharing their resources and I'm out like a light. I hope.
So I'm just waiting. Waiting for them, whoever 'them' will be.

So I keep posting in the partners mega thread.

 

[Thoughtforms]

I had a date, hotel booked and was so sure I'd do it. I cleared out all my stuff. Spent a month writing my note. Everything was ready. But I messed up and left my SN open and exposed to air so i couldn't use it. So I bought more but accidentally bought Sodium Nitrate not Nitrite so had to wait again. Every day I waited in anguish for my SN, shaking and desperate. I was fasting and building up on meds wanting to take it as soon as it came but it was taking ages to come! I emailed the company asking them if they could post it a bit quicker for me. They said they will but it still took forever.

While I was waiting I went to the Dr to get some benzos. He asked me how I was and I broke down. It all came out.

Long story short, they told my parents. I was admitted to hospital and getting help.

I do still think about it daily but not as intense. I have normal moments now. If I want to do to it again, my only chance really is this weekend because if I mess up I can't take more time off work (what a sad thing I have to think about!) and also Christmas.

I've spent the last 2 weeks at home reflecting and analysing (whilst having daily panic attacks). The thing is I have no solid reason to CTB. I'm not sick, my life isn't messed up, I have no actual troubles. I'm just unsatisfied, lonely, think there's something wrong with me and it's not the life I wish it was.i am trying to work out if maybe there is a way I can accept this and be happy. Other people seem to? So maybe I will give happiness one last try.

I find a huge level of comfort knowing I have two tubs of SN hidden away (yes I screwed up again and bought 2!! Wtf?). That if i fail at happiness again I can just take it, sleep and it's over. Whether that's next week or in 52 weeks or more.

 

[LostGirl]

Ready to go but not 100% convinced on my method.

 

[Sanguinius]

Hi. I'm ready to go. Wishing peace to you guys. I'm an older lady with issues aplenty. My l"life" is a nightmare. I wish someone would kill me. Like me. I got rope fro Amazon, consistently try to pass out, have immersed myself in grueome autopsies to find the right placement. Ugh .What a nightmare. I don't usually have the strength to talk here. But wanted to connect.
Peace

Good luck... *hugs

 

[Vegrau]

Just seeing where everybody is at this stage in life with their CTB. For me currently, I'm in the area of living life with no fucks to give, but also ready to go. How bout you?

Same as you.

 

[deathbycakes]

ready to die but not sure how. for lots of reason i can't suicide and need to achieve natural death or induce some kind of illness so i could die from it.
this is just so frustrating...

 

[stargazer]

I should also add that apart from waiting for a partner, I'm now pretty chilled with method, be it charcoal or hanging, as long not being disturbed is virtually guaranteed, I'm now so ready, that's my stage. It's only a matter of time. God, hear my prayer!

 

[NotWorthLiving]

I'm living life with no fucks to give and an thinking abkut a lab to ctb but am undecided. I have a few different ways I think I want to ctb but not sure which one.

 

[Bread]

I am sure that I am going to ctb eventually, but at the moment I just spend every day laying in bed and it's not too hard to just exist since I'm not expected to do anything. Things will eventually change and the world will crush me, but for now I'm just daydreaming and being a coward. Also there's still a person I'm in love with so that's another thing that's holding me back. I wish I could hurry up and forget about them so I can ctb without regret.

For the time being I decided to hang out here and gather information. I'll get my plan sorted out and then I'll just live with a sense of peace knowing I can duck out at any time.

 

[letmeseethedeath]

Yes, the damn survival instinct. It's cruel to not be able to easily override this. There's so many courageous people succeeding at ctb all the time and I'm such a coward.

I feel the same, I feel so coward because Im not so brave to do it even though I want to do it. I know things will be worse and life will consume me piece after piece

 

[BlackpillAsshat]

Still planning.

I'm still trying to think other ways out of my predicament, but I wanna leave the ctb plan ready for when I decide it's really the only way to go.

 

[Lunaemoth]

I've got a plan. It's not 100% concrete yet, but almost. I'm waiting until the week after New Year's so I don't ruin the holidays for anyone. A hotel room and combining a couple different methods. I failed on an over the counter overdose a couple of years ago, which led to a 3 day coma after they pumped my stomach, respiration pneumonia and liver damage, then a month long stay in psychiatric. I've had less successful attempts since that no one found out about. I can't fail again though I CAN'T. Waking up after those 3 days was the most disappointed and heartbroken I've ever felt which is saying something. And the psych hospital was HELL. So I'm getting my affairs in order, finalizing my plan and trying so hard to find a little enjoyment in the holidays so I can say goodbye (though no one knows but me).

 

[TAW122]

I've got a plan and also living life with zero fucks given (I'll be dead when things get bad enough). In fact, when some things or a major catastrophic event hits me hard, it'll be just what I need to overcome my survival instinct and also follow through with ctb'ing.

 

[Louise]

I put undecided as I'm fluctuating atm. I have an online boyfriend that I love to bits and who seems very committed to me. Survival instinct is so persistent and overwhelming that I'm only too happy to have a reason to shelve my plans, living in limbo as others have said is a very painful place to be.

 

[stargazer]

I believe my bus has departed and is on its way. Unless I'm being taken for a ride. Whenever I've been away for more than 2-3 months, I guess you'll all know.

 

[Nanami]

Does it feel like the stages of grief for anyone else?

Denial – "It's not that bad, just a temporary low, I can fix my life."
Anger – "What did I do to deserve this happening to me? I've done nothing wrong yet I've been robbed of any chance for a good life!"
Bargaining – "Please, I just want this one thing and that's enough for me to accept all the bad things, just this one thing, please?"
Depression – "I'm so exhausted of fighting to get better...I don't even know what I can do anymore..please leave me alone.."
Acceptance – "I've done everything I could, but it wasn't enough...I think it's time to ctb now."

I guess I am grieving over the childhood I was never allowed to have.

 

[Vegrau]

Does it feel like the stages of grief for anyone else?

Denial – "It's not that bad, just a temporary low, I can fix my life."
Anger – "What did I do to deserve this happening to me? I've done nothing wrong yet I've been robbed of any chance for a good life!"
Bargaining – "Please, I just want this one thing and that's enough for me to accept all the bad things, just this one thing, please?"
Depression – "I'm so exhausted of fighting to get better...I don't even know what I can do anymore..please leave me alone.."
Acceptance – "I've done everything I could, but it wasn't enough...I think it's time to ctb now."

I guess I am grieving over the childhood I was never allowed to have.

Yes I agree. Life is just a long drawn out grief. Nothing but grief in the end. Loss and regrets. No amount of lies can salvage it. If life is good no one need to convince themselves that their lives mean something.

 

[stargazer]

It's escalated now to 'feeling' if this guy (not from this site) is keen to partner up or not, as he's had ideation for years now. But I'll aim not to get my hopes up.

 

[stargazer]

It's now taken a shift down. I think now I'm beginning to accept the doubt that I will not be able to before Christmas or before 2019. It's a real disappointment to me, personally. I feel really let down in myself.

But because it's fun to, I'm blaming others too (wider society) for my current predicament in delays.

 

[Lunaemoth]

I was really upset at first that I wouldn't be able to before 2019, but I'm going to try to find some enjoyment of the holidays, say goodbye to my family ( not that they'll know) and pray to any deities out there that my ctb on Jan 5th is successful

 

[Karl]

waiting my sn