maggineko
Holding on 'till May
- Aug 10, 2026
- 101
I'm still young, and there's a lot of things I still wanna experience. I have a whole bucket list. I wanna fall in love, smoke a fat cigar for the first time, and write some unremarkable literature, and maybe I can actually find joy in the future, I dunno. I've been living like a ghost my whole life so far with a few rare moments where I feel truly present in my body and can actually appreciative of every breath I exert the tiniest bit of effort for, but mostly I feel like the camera panning down the main character of a video game where you can't save and load file, and if you fuck up, you fuck up forever, and I'm just watching myself fuck up.
Anyway, yeah, I never really set a date or a fixed point in my life where I would CTB. I'd spent the majority of my childhood and teenage years just betting on death and had simply not found any reason to prepare for the future. At 7, I thought I'd just die at 10. At 10, I figured there's no way I'd dodge road accidents long enough to see 15. At 15, I was starting to get discouraged but thought there was no fucking way I'd avoid death this time. Only on my 18th birthday, after getting home from my part-time, I ate a shitty, overpriced cheesecake and thought, "fuuuuuuccckkkkkkkkk." My whole life I'd been betting on death with my life, and I kept losing the bet. I eventually got the memo that living is just the process of making your death bed, and how you choose to live dictates how comfortable the death bed will be, and I don't wanna die cold and uncomfortable and sick and feeling wretched. To quote, "I hope I die warmed by the life I tried to live." (Dunno who made that quote)
So now, I figure, death will come one way or another, sooner or later. It could come tomorrow, but dying can't be my Plan A forever. I'd thought about choosing my 20s or my 30s, as a friend of mine the same age had set hers to 25, which feels horribly early imho; but with the brain only fully developing early-mid 20s, I thought that maybe I should live some portion of life with a mostly mature brain and see how it goes. Also, I'm dead broke at 19, there's virtually no way for me to end my life peacefully without the required materials. Thus, if I'm fulfilled yet still unhappy (I'm a walking oxymoron) by my 40s, then I'll just take myself out. I'm not trying to lose my future to another bet again, but I seriously don't think I'll even make it to my 40s, but I could also be eating my words in another 2 decades...We'll see though.
Anyway, yeah, I never really set a date or a fixed point in my life where I would CTB. I'd spent the majority of my childhood and teenage years just betting on death and had simply not found any reason to prepare for the future. At 7, I thought I'd just die at 10. At 10, I figured there's no way I'd dodge road accidents long enough to see 15. At 15, I was starting to get discouraged but thought there was no fucking way I'd avoid death this time. Only on my 18th birthday, after getting home from my part-time, I ate a shitty, overpriced cheesecake and thought, "fuuuuuuccckkkkkkkkk." My whole life I'd been betting on death with my life, and I kept losing the bet. I eventually got the memo that living is just the process of making your death bed, and how you choose to live dictates how comfortable the death bed will be, and I don't wanna die cold and uncomfortable and sick and feeling wretched. To quote, "I hope I die warmed by the life I tried to live." (Dunno who made that quote)
So now, I figure, death will come one way or another, sooner or later. It could come tomorrow, but dying can't be my Plan A forever. I'd thought about choosing my 20s or my 30s, as a friend of mine the same age had set hers to 25, which feels horribly early imho; but with the brain only fully developing early-mid 20s, I thought that maybe I should live some portion of life with a mostly mature brain and see how it goes. Also, I'm dead broke at 19, there's virtually no way for me to end my life peacefully without the required materials. Thus, if I'm fulfilled yet still unhappy (I'm a walking oxymoron) by my 40s, then I'll just take myself out. I'm not trying to lose my future to another bet again, but I seriously don't think I'll even make it to my 40s, but I could also be eating my words in another 2 decades...We'll see though.
