Hey everyone. I came across this forum earlier today and just recently got my account verified. I was wanting some advice on methods, based on some specific circumstances that I'm currently in.
I have been in inpatient treatment with no gaps in between since November of 2022. I initially went to wilderness therapy after my first ctb attempt in march of 2022, and went home in early July and at that time I felt better and I was initially thrilled to be back and be well received by friends. I'm a musician and I ended up following through with a project that I had gotten in the works with 2 of my buddies before I went to treatment. We played a couple of shows, I finally started getting romantically involved with girl that I had a really deep connection. Within a very short span from all of these great things happening, I started to have ideations again and made another attempt after some of my childhood trauma came back to haunt me with something that happened. I ended up getting put in the psych ward for about a week and my parents didnt want to resort to inpatient again, so I did outpatient, but I just slipped even further into depression and eventually my parents had a transportation service take me back to the same wilderness and after my stay there, which was significantly worse than my first, I ended up getting sent out to my first place in Utah. I was there for 6 months, and in that time, I AWOL'd and made yet another attempt, and went to another psych ward. I ended up getting grace from that place in Utah, and they let me come back under extremely strict condition, but after about a month of being back, I was not meeting those expectations consistently, so they booted me and sent me to a fully locked facility also in Utah. I endured so much pain and suffering at that place, that even with all of my childhood trauma and extremely hard shit I had to deal with up until that point I venture to say there were many aspects that were worse. I ended up eventually after begging and pleading for 2 months to get my parents to pull me out and we found another place. I went to one more place for another 2 months in Utah, and now I'm at my current place In Cali. The locked facility in Utah was honestly the last straw. I haven't attempted in about a year, but I live in incredible amounts of pain, and I have very very few people that I trust whatsoever. I lost almost all my friends back home while in treatment, I lost the girl, and have even further lost the will to live. Which leads me to this…
I was wondering about possible methods, given the current limitations and circumstances of being in treatment. First off, I want it to be as quick and painless as possible and to hopefully spend my last moments in peace and ease. I know that there are methods that accomplish both of those things, however, with the fact that I am in treatment it is very hard to access most of the ones I've seen on here.
The most important details about my treatment center to mention are that it is very limited in terms of restrictions. The main limitations that it provides is that I have no money, I have no access to drugs and alcohol and they do frequent breathalyzer and Urine tests, and also that mail is checked when you open it. I am however, allowed to walk around the area unsupervised for hours at a time, and have access to personal electronic devices and unrestricted internet access. I have a curfew of 10 o'clock.
With all of this, can anyone give suggestions for attempts with all these factors in mind, as well as the fact that I am housed in an apartment with other people from my treatment center and we do frequently have staff in here.
I have been in inpatient treatment with no gaps in between since November of 2022. I initially went to wilderness therapy after my first ctb attempt in march of 2022, and went home in early July and at that time I felt better and I was initially thrilled to be back and be well received by friends. I'm a musician and I ended up following through with a project that I had gotten in the works with 2 of my buddies before I went to treatment. We played a couple of shows, I finally started getting romantically involved with girl that I had a really deep connection. Within a very short span from all of these great things happening, I started to have ideations again and made another attempt after some of my childhood trauma came back to haunt me with something that happened. I ended up getting put in the psych ward for about a week and my parents didnt want to resort to inpatient again, so I did outpatient, but I just slipped even further into depression and eventually my parents had a transportation service take me back to the same wilderness and after my stay there, which was significantly worse than my first, I ended up getting sent out to my first place in Utah. I was there for 6 months, and in that time, I AWOL'd and made yet another attempt, and went to another psych ward. I ended up getting grace from that place in Utah, and they let me come back under extremely strict condition, but after about a month of being back, I was not meeting those expectations consistently, so they booted me and sent me to a fully locked facility also in Utah. I endured so much pain and suffering at that place, that even with all of my childhood trauma and extremely hard shit I had to deal with up until that point I venture to say there were many aspects that were worse. I ended up eventually after begging and pleading for 2 months to get my parents to pull me out and we found another place. I went to one more place for another 2 months in Utah, and now I'm at my current place In Cali. The locked facility in Utah was honestly the last straw. I haven't attempted in about a year, but I live in incredible amounts of pain, and I have very very few people that I trust whatsoever. I lost almost all my friends back home while in treatment, I lost the girl, and have even further lost the will to live. Which leads me to this…
I was wondering about possible methods, given the current limitations and circumstances of being in treatment. First off, I want it to be as quick and painless as possible and to hopefully spend my last moments in peace and ease. I know that there are methods that accomplish both of those things, however, with the fact that I am in treatment it is very hard to access most of the ones I've seen on here.
The most important details about my treatment center to mention are that it is very limited in terms of restrictions. The main limitations that it provides is that I have no money, I have no access to drugs and alcohol and they do frequent breathalyzer and Urine tests, and also that mail is checked when you open it. I am however, allowed to walk around the area unsupervised for hours at a time, and have access to personal electronic devices and unrestricted internet access. I have a curfew of 10 o'clock.
With all of this, can anyone give suggestions for attempts with all these factors in mind, as well as the fact that I am housed in an apartment with other people from my treatment center and we do frequently have staff in here.
