My dad has terminal cancer and it makes me feel guilty

[yushuyoo]

hello! im a new member.
sorry for horrible grammar i am a bit lazy w checking it rn. ^^
I've been dealing w suicidal ideation since i was young and it got rly bad when i was 19 ish. I was in recov therapy for my ED at the time (i quit after sometime this even tho i wasny finished w the treatment) but life felt so bleak that i planned out my attempt. Psychiatrist found out tho (I'm a chronic panic talker) and forced me to tell my parents. My dad, old v serious man, cried and just hugged me as he apologised for not noticing. My mom held me as i went thru a panic attack telling her (my mom is old, religious, asian. basically doesn't believe in mental health) and comforted me as we watched winnie the pooh together. life got a little better after that, remained passively suicidal after that up until now.


My dad was diagnosed w stage 4 pancreatic cancer last month and i haven't felt like this in years. My parents mean a lot to me and supported me through all dumb things ive done as a young adult. Losing him will be the end of my life it seems. idk how to cope with it; i emailed my old therapist from my ED treatment, whose email i secretly kept for some years, and she actually responded! however as the focus isn't on my ED she told me she cant officially help but she said that she truly wants to help me find someone to talk to.

Basically my suicidal thoughts have returned and tenfolded it seems but i cant seem to digest the act of doing it as i now know the pain it causes when u (are bout to) lose a loved one. i feel so guilty about having the thoughts since i am thinking of ending it myself while watching my dad fight the sickness that ripping life away FROM him...
Has someone experienced this as well?

thank u for reading!

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Welcome to SaSu. I'm sorry you have to go through this. U shouldn't feel guilty for having suicidal thoughts.

 

[Shrooms]

I read through I also welcome you as I am a new member as well.
Your situation is one I am fortunate enough not to have happen to me but I have felt maybe just a fraction of your loneliness through my dad leaving and not seeing him for a year or two at a time. First see if you can find another therapist and see if they can become more of a friend than anything just so that you can get through the very possible "initial blow" that your about to get from your dads end. If you don't like that lean on your friends for help, I don't know your whole situation but friends, REAL friends will at least sympathize with you. Lastly your mother she might not see mental health as a thing but i bet you she understands emotions. When/if your father does go the one person you'll have as a guide/mentor/leader whatever you would call your mother. She will become your closest friend. The person she knew for a portion of her life just left trust me she will understand what you're going through and she'll need someone to lean on. If you "leave" she'll have no one to lean on. I don't mean to guilt trip you at all, just sympathize with her at least a little. They both seem like caring and loving people so please do your best for them. If your mother not only loses her husband but son as well… I wouldn't wish that upon anyone. My best wishes to you friend.