Do you want to be forgotten or do you want to leave something on this earth? Do you want to be remembered when you are gone?
I am ambivalent about it. Often I am that ashamed about my existence that I absolutely want to be forgotten. But when I think about these embarassing moments which I think of and I meet for eample one person who exeperienced one of them I recognize they already forgot about them...I am not as important as my paraoid brain thinks of.
I normally don't want to leave a suicide note. But I can remember I once wrote one. I wanted to comfort the people that I leave behind. (Reading my forum texts complaining about them won't make it better. If I do it I will probably cut the traces to this forum. However my friends know the name of it, But the bigger problem is my family. Though they don't know the name. I can remember I kind of planned my funeral. I want to have a cheap one. I think another big reason for writing this note was the notion that many family members that I absolutely despise will come to it. Not so much close relatives but the other one's would probably say stuff like how selfish I was to do such a thing to my parents. (Even though I was the one who was abued by them.)
I kind of hope my friends will remember me. But not my whiny, bitter and pathetic parts which increased due to my condition. I don't know I want to leave them kind of smiling about one or two good jokes I made. On the other side if they can better cope with my loss when they forget me I would also be happy about that solution.
I hope I won't traumatize anyone. I want to lessen the impact of my death on close ones. I have read when someone experiences a loss of a close person it helps when the person is very busy in order to disctract them from the loss. I have read that planning a funeral can be really stressful. But in that moment this stress is better than much free-time to ruminate about the loss. This is one reason why I did not make more specific plannings about my funeral. I am currently not in the position that I have to kill myself soon but this could change anytime. I am very unstable and fragile.
Do you want to leave soemthing behind. Many people want to have children who will remember them. Personally I absolutely don't want that. My genes horrible and I really hope my sister won't procreate. But I know she wants to...
I am ambivalent about it. Often I am that ashamed about my existence that I absolutely want to be forgotten. But when I think about these embarassing moments which I think of and I meet for eample one person who exeperienced one of them I recognize they already forgot about them...I am not as important as my paraoid brain thinks of.
I normally don't want to leave a suicide note. But I can remember I once wrote one. I wanted to comfort the people that I leave behind. (Reading my forum texts complaining about them won't make it better. If I do it I will probably cut the traces to this forum. However my friends know the name of it, But the bigger problem is my family. Though they don't know the name. I can remember I kind of planned my funeral. I want to have a cheap one. I think another big reason for writing this note was the notion that many family members that I absolutely despise will come to it. Not so much close relatives but the other one's would probably say stuff like how selfish I was to do such a thing to my parents. (Even though I was the one who was abued by them.)
I kind of hope my friends will remember me. But not my whiny, bitter and pathetic parts which increased due to my condition. I don't know I want to leave them kind of smiling about one or two good jokes I made. On the other side if they can better cope with my loss when they forget me I would also be happy about that solution.
I hope I won't traumatize anyone. I want to lessen the impact of my death on close ones. I have read when someone experiences a loss of a close person it helps when the person is very busy in order to disctract them from the loss. I have read that planning a funeral can be really stressful. But in that moment this stress is better than much free-time to ruminate about the loss. This is one reason why I did not make more specific plannings about my funeral. I am currently not in the position that I have to kill myself soon but this could change anytime. I am very unstable and fragile.
Do you want to leave soemthing behind. Many people want to have children who will remember them. Personally I absolutely don't want that. My genes horrible and I really hope my sister won't procreate. But I know she wants to...
