What reasons do we have for waiting?

[alienatedmom9999]

It seems as though lots of us very much want to ctb but just aren't ready yet. I'm just curious (not trying to convince anyone one way or the other) what are your reasons for waiting? In my case, it's my dog--he's 13, and he is the only one who has never let me down. He's also had to deal with a lot of abandonment--I am the only constant in his life, and I am not about to allow him to have to deal with losing me. He is my tether to this life...I will be here as long as he is here.

 

[motel rooms]

Nothing noble, just my stubborn sex drive. I'm still able to lose myself in pointless fantasies when I watch porn or have sex with other fucked-up guys

 

[BooGirl]

Well, there's no particular rush. I die, I die, who cares if it happens today or in 10 years? I would prefer to die earlier rather than later, but either way, life ends.

 

[who doesn't matter]

For me, it's just that breaking limit that I am yet to arrive at. It's like you are broken but not shattered, not yet. It could be true for many of us, we aren't there but are standing pretty close to it.

 

[Wakawaka]

My body won't let me do it

 

[NoPointToContinue]

I'm waiting for my SN to arrive :)

 

[HelloHell]

Lack of access to my preferred method

 

[Dear Agony]

My mom only. She's the only reason I'm not dead yet. She has an auto immune condition and my father left her recently after 20 years married. She's hinted suicide before, and me and my brother are all she has. She's a perfect, loving mother. But all else in my life is fucked. I wish I could stay only for her, but I can't. I'm a burden to her (she has said it).
I do have fears about hell and what happens after death sometimes, but honestly I'm just so done. I think I wouldn't even hesitate anymore, just kick that bucket, if it weren't for my mom.

 

[fly away]

Waiting to hear from Switzerland. They are reviewing my application.
Trying to believe they will say yes.
If it's a no, well that would be really bad.

 

[Seiba]

Questions like this are asked a fair amount, but I suppose with the forum simply searching and replying to threads made weeks, months, or years ago could not be desirable to many which is understandable. Below is a copy and paste of an answer I gave to a similar thread.

I think eventually it's a matter of time, but with my circumstances at the moment with being a neet and my mother possibly having neck surgery will delay it. Not helped by the fact I'm largely used to doing next to nothing due to being a neet. I already had the courage to try once suicide once when I was younger and to practice partial a while ago so my main obstacles would be getting a better method like SN. I did end up getting some cheap scalpels a while ago -- ten dollars for I believe one hundred of them but I don't have the lidocaine because my amazon account is shared with my mother and therefore anything bought off of there is easily seen. I don't think really I'd have the pain tolerance for slitting my throat, but I suppose just having it available is somewhat nice. My first attempt I was pretty scared and ended up aborting so it's possible I'm simply so removed from attempting that my mental perception of it will be different than my actual experience trying to kill myself -- though I think drinking something like SN with proper setting like a clean hotel room would help with that. Sorry to hear about your struggles with thinking you'll be stuck in the limbo of ideation and not experiencing happiness.

 

[ClownMe]

mines also my dog.

 

[Rae82]

My little girl who I'm devastated to leave. I want more than anything to see her grow up and participate in her life but my physical health issues mean that I'm really not going to be able to do that. I've hung on so long for her and the hope that there may be a chance that I can get better but that's not happening. I'm just getting worse.

 

[LostSoul1609]

No reliable method

 

[Brave_heart]

Nothing noble, just my stubborn sex drive. I'm still able to lose myself in pointless fantasies when

My mom only. She's the only reason I'm not dead yet. She has an auto immune condition and my father left her recently after 20 years married. She's hinted suicide before, and me and my brother are all she has. She's a perfect, loving mother. But all else in my life is fucked. I wish I could stay only for her, but I can't. I'm a burden to her (she has said it).
I do have fears about hell and what happens after death sometimes, but honestly I'm just so done. I think I wouldn't even hesitate anymore, just kick that bucket, if it weren't for my mom.

I'm sorry your mom said this to you, but I'll admit as a mother myself I've said terrible things I regret. I'm sure your mom regrets saying what she said, too. I'm also sorry about her health issues. I hope you know you're not a burden.

 

[Diesel_Punk]

I'm pretty much just waiting for things to get bad enough so I don't care about leaving my family anymore.

 

[western_heart]

I don't want to leave while my parents are still alive. This has stopped me from killing myself for years, but worsening material conditions (no car, spent almost all my savings) make CTB increasingly attractive in 2021. I would rather die than work.

This month I got closest ever to a peaceful CTB, with a method figured out and some of the planning done. But my SO isn't supportive of my death right now, and I got rid of the method to make her more comfortable. I expect to stick around to at least 2022, and if trauma therapy works as well as she says it will & she is able to support both of us financially, it'll probably be longer.

 

[Hurt]

I'm too coward to ctb and it will affect my family/friends a lot. They will feel guilty. An accidental death instead will leave them without guilt. That's why I can't do it. I'm just waiting to die, I've been ready for years.

 

[LCS8555]

trying to think of an "accident" which will have a high success rate.

 

[noxin]

Getting my affairs in order and paying off my debts is taking awhile, and I want to ctb on a day that won't be close to any of my family's birthdays.

 

[Desperdición]

Many parts of me have already died and others are dying, including the motivations that made me suffer. I still entertain myself with leisure and certain kinds of news. I live in my parents' house and I'm not looking for life, when they can't fend for themselves, ctb.

 

[FuneralCry]

I should have been gone a long time ago really, I have no actual reason for living. It's because it is hard to die, no easy peaceful way out, methods require planning, and survival instinct can get in the way. Its also the fear of failure and being left in an even worse condition. I just know that I will do it someday when I get absolutely desperate, I am not living until I am old.

 

[I'm scared]

My little girl who I'm devastated to leave. I want more than anything to see her grow up and participate in her life but my physical health issues mean that I'm really not going to be able to do that. I've hung on so long for her and the hope that there may be a chance that I can get better but that's not happening. I'm just getting worse.

I am in the same position,sick of feeling sick and it is now impacting on my parenting.I truly wish you could get help with your health problem to give you some more time

 

[littlelungs]

I'm afraid of leaving my mom behind. I'm afraid of leaving all of my parents/siblings behind, but I'm particularly afraid of leaving my mom behind because I know that she REALLY won't be able to handle it.

I also haven't gotten all of my affairs in order yet, and still have notes to write. My body is just so sick and broken, though, that it makes these kinds of preparations nearly impossible to manage. It's hard enough just to do the bare minimum in order to survive, never mind everything else. I've been taking care of the other stuff little by little but it's just taking so long... too long. I'm hanging on by a thread.

 

[Dear Agony]

I'm sorry your mom said this to you, but I'll admit as a mother myself I've said terrible things I regret. I'm sure your mom regrets saying what she said, too. I'm also sorry about her health issues. I hope you know you're not a burden.

Thank you... Unfortunately, I still think that. Because of my mental health conditions, I've been paralyzed at home for 5 years. Can't go out to study, never been in college, didn't finish school and don't have a job. And I don't intend to do any of those things. Maybe living just isn't for me. Anyways, that makes me weigh down on the family... I just don't want to be a disappointment to my mom. She deserves better. At least she has my brother, and I know he will be successful.

 

[Brave_heart]

Thank you... Unfortunately, I still think that. Because of my mental health conditions, I've been paralyzed at home for 5 years. Can't go out to study, never been in college, didn't finish school and don't have a job. And I don't intend to do any of those things. Maybe living just isn't for me. Anyways, that makes me weigh down on the family... I just don't want to be a disappointment to my mom. She deserves better. At least she has my brother, and I know he will be successful.

I'm sorry you feel this way and I'm sorry for your troubles. I've always been told a problem shared is a problem cut in half, so thank you for sharing with us. I hope it lightens your heavy load. Living is hard for most of us... we just carry our loads different and that's okay. That's what this community is for :) We may not see you, but we hear you and we're here for you. You're not alone.

I'm sorry you feel this way and I'm sorry for your troubles. I've always been told a problem shared is a problem cut in half, so thank you for sharing with us. I hope it lightens your heavy load. Living is hard for most of us... we just carry our loads different and that's okay. That's what this community is for :) We may not see you, but we hear you and we're here for you. You're not alone.

Also, don't base "success" solely on going to college. I'm sure your family would offer other reasons as to why you're special. College isn't for everyone. My dad (the smartest man I use to know) never graduated high school, definitely didn't attend college and still managed to find a career while creating an awesome life for his family. He also (later in life) decided to get his GED when we were much older and that's just his story. Can you imagine yours? My dad never envisioned that his life would be what he created, but he did it and I hope he knew how proud we were. I was the first in the family to attend college, later went to grad school (online learning is available, too) and my career or guaranteed job we all assume falls in our laps upon graduation.. never happened. My career doesn't involve the major I'm paying for and that's okay. Life is full of surprises, but I enjoy the highs and ride out the lows. Wishing you all the best! Chin up.

 

[NormaJeane]

It seems as though lots of us very much want to ctb but just aren't ready yet. I'm just curious (not trying to convince anyone one way or the other) what are your reasons for waiting? In my case, it's my dog--he's 13, and he is the only one who has never let me down. He's also had to deal with a lot of abandonment--I am the only constant in his life, and I am not about to allow him to have to deal with losing me. He is my tether to this life...I will be here as long as he is here.

For me it is only the question of a reliable suicide method. If I had a doctor right now who would give me an Nembutal injection, I would die peacefully without fear.

 

[motel rooms]

For me it is only the question of a reliable suicide method. If I had a doctor right now who would give me an Nembutal injection, I would die peacefully without fear.

Didn't you post this a couple of hours ago?
"The method tape mouth and nose should be reliable - do you want to try it? I am going to try this method myself. I wrote a thread about it - a foolproof method of suicide."
You don't need N if your method is foolproof...

 

[lonerclown666]

i want a gun

 

[Saki]

For me it's the lack of resources. I don't have the money/good timing yet to leave undisturbed. I sitll try to gather little money I might earn. i need my own space to do it.

 

[Birthinjune]

I'm afraid of hurting people close to me, ruining the life of my parent and sibling

I'd also like to give myself time to change but I'm unsure how long I can hold on for. What's making me suicidal can not change but my acceptance of my circumstances potentially can

Potential spiritual growth and art projects I want to finish, places I want to travel to, wanting to leave something important behind, but doing anything feels impossible and pointless

I'm undecided whether I'd like to write a will/note or try to stage as an accident. There's lose ends I could tie up. I wish I could convey the amount of pain I feel so my death was accepted, but I'm not sure how