I always knew I'd end up taking my own life. I feel like ever since I was a kid I was just waiting for courage to do it. I think that this made me push people away because I felt like I'm here only for short period of time and there's no point in making any attachments. I isolated myself from friends when things got too 'close', refused to ever date, did everything I can to self sabotage (drinking, binge eating, quitting jobs for no reason, not trying because I never cared about anything). I've been given chances that I neved deserved. It was like I'm done with life and then someone pushes me to do something good, and I was like "okay, I guess I can do this" and it's been ongoing, lol.
But I'm making the right choice ending it. I compare it to ripping band-aid; better to do it fast once and for good than doing it slowly and painfully