Discussion What phase of CTB are you currently in?

[Zzzzz]

I'm ready and waiting. I'm just waiting for the right opportunity to do it.

 

[BrokenLine]

At the start of last week I was 1, Right now a 3.

 

[Lifeless mindset]

3

 

[Grumpy Bear]

A 3 or 4 for me. I'm taking one last stab at life. I'm giving it my all to make changes but I'm also considering failure. Failure would be my cue to CTB. But I'm also very serious about CTB as I'm considering method, note and final arrangements etc.

 

[rioghbhardain]

3

 

[Dear Agony]

A mix of 2 and 5.

 

[sick.faery]

probs 4

 

[Jumping_realms]

3.5, mix of passive/active.
No date, but sooner than later in life.

 

[Pure]

Was a 3 a few days ago, now a five

 

[Stroopwafel.]

2/3

 

[Lost Magic]

1: Planning stage, actively suicidal.
I want this pain to end this year now.

 

[Journeytoletgo]

3

 

[hybridtheory]

5

 

[idonntseethepoint]

2 I would say, if the right means presented themselves, I wouldn't hesitate

 

[NIÑAESTUPIDA]

1

 

[Hurt]

Let's say 5

 

[FailureGirl]

I guess 1 I'm planning and have a date I'm aiming to ctb on but it may be moved to later that month if needed. I have depression and was suicidal but since picking a date and deciding to definitely ctb I feel much calmer and don't feel suicidal in the same way I did previously. I'm relieved and happy it's almost over I just got my will sorted, only a few more things on my list and then it's just a matter of waiting for that date.

 

[UKscotty]

2.

Only thing stopping me now is having the guts to go through with it. The survival instinct is powerful.

 

[LONE WOLF.]

3.

 

[Voi]

4

 

[Adamsnolife]

2

 

[nightnightnitrite]

I'm unfortunately pretty permanently stuck at a 6. It's still something that weighs on the back of my mind but now I'm stuck here:,)

 

[Apricity]

1 for me. I have my regulator and flow meter, and my tubing. Ordered my Nitrogen and it will be here soon. Just have to get materials for the bag and make it. I was going to use a non rebreather mask until I found this forum and discovered it was not going to work. I'm glad i found out so i will have a better chance at success. I don't want to be locked away in the looney bin again.

 

[StevieNixs]

This will be about the different phases of CTB. What phase are you currently in? I personally have veered in and out of these different phases for a long time. Sometimes stuck in one forever, only to move into another, then back again. I am sure everyone is quite familiar with them. Here are the options I have came up with. Look forward to hearing from you all!

1. Planning stage, actively suicidal

2. Actively suicidal and ready to go

3. Actively suicidal. Will CTB but don't have a date.

4. Passively suicidal. Will CTB probably sometime later in life.

5. Combination of active and passive suicidal ideation. Don't have a date.

6. Combination of active and passive suicidal ideation but will never actually be able to CTB.

3. Actively suicidal but do not have a date.
Packing up my house atm, throwing stuff out, donating others, placing stuff in storage, checked my funeral plan (taken out about three years ago) was going to cover stuff. Have the meds and the back up plan (Would like N as well or SN but seems too much hassle to obtain). Written draft letter for pathologist/coroner, made a memory box for my family as they seem to like that sort of thing, contacted the Cats Guardian service and made plans for my cat with her likes, dislikes, foibles, foods, treats, toys, bedding, etc.
I have written an explanation letter - but not a dissertation for my family.
It is so strange but I have this weird thing where I wake up every morning and have to actively STOP myself from going ahead with it and then feel this sense of upset because I feel a little forced to be here by my present circumstances. Again too boring to keep droning on about, but my sister died unexpectedly on 11 July 2021, I was going to CTB beforehand but now have to help clear out her house, help to plan her funeral, support her daughter. I have to help as my mother is in her 70's, my younger brother has learning difficulties, my niece has three children under ten and has been ill for the last ten years with an autoimmune disease which has become progressively worse. The reason I am here rather than ash and coffin is solely my niece. This is my plan to get around this:
I plan to help her move to another area as she is traumatised by living so near to where her mother lived. I have already contacted an Occupational therapist and other bodies to come out to assess her situation which will hopefully facilitate a move for her.
I plan to help her apply for disability benefits which she has never done before despite being very ill. She also has severe kidney issues alongside this other disease and possibly heart issues which are being investigated. I am going to see if I can donate a kidney to her. Going with her to the Rheumatologist on Wednesday but in all honesty - I could not bear to be here for a further year if this is how long it takes.

Even if I had no niece - I couldn't do it now because how unfair would that be to lumber my mother with two funerals to plan?
I wake up and often have this f*** it moment. But as I keep saying over and over and over again in other posts packing up a deceased person's house - if you loved that person - is HELL, traumatic and has pushed me to the limits of sanity. I cry when I go into her house, I cry in her house, I cry when I leave her house - I was so upset a couple of weeks ago, I accidentally crashed my car into a bollard whilst enroute to her home. I DO NOT want to put my family through that and packing up my house - whilst trying to sort out these other things is taking ages! I never realised how much shit I have!!

 

[Shrek]

2

 

[dss262]

3. Actively suicidal but do not have a date.
Packing up my house atm, throwing stuff out, donating others, placing stuff in storage, checked my funeral plan (taken out about three years ago) was going to cover stuff. Have the meds and the back up plan (Would like N as well or SN but seems too much hassle to obtain). Written draft letter for pathologist/coroner, made a memory box for my family as they seem to like that sort of thing, contacted the Cats Guardian service and made plans for my cat with her likes, dislikes, foibles, foods, treats, toys, bedding, etc.
I have written an explanation letter - but not a dissertation for my family.
It is so strange but I have this weird thing where I wake up every morning and have to actively STOP myself from going ahead with it and then feel this sense of upset because I feel a little forced to be here by my present circumstances. Again too boring to keep droning on about, but my sister died unexpectedly on 11 July 2021, I was going to CTB beforehand but now have to help clear out her house, help to plan her funeral, support her daughter. I have to help as my mother is in her 70's, my younger brother has learning difficulties, my niece has three children under ten and has been ill for the last ten years with an autoimmune disease which has become progressively worse. The reason I am here rather than ash and coffin is solely my niece. This is my plan to get around this:
I plan to help her move to another area as she is traumatised by living so near to where her mother lived. I have already contacted an Occupational therapist and other bodies to come out to assess her situation which will hopefully facilitate a move for her.
I plan to help her apply for disability benefits which she has never done before despite being very ill. She also has severe kidney issues alongside this other disease and possibly heart issues which are being investigated. I am going to see if I can donate a kidney to her. Going with her to the Rheumatologist on Wednesday but in all honesty - I could not bear to be here for a further year if this is how long it takes.

Even if I had no niece - I couldn't do it now because how unfair would that be to lumber my mother with two funerals to plan?
I wake up and often have this f*** it moment. But as I keep saying over and over and over again in other posts packing up a deceased person's house - if you loved that person - is HELL, traumatic and has pushed me to the limits of sanity. I cry when I go into her house, I cry in her house, I cry when I leave her house - I was so upset a couple of weeks ago, I accidentally crashed my car into a bollard whilst enroute to her home. I DO NOT want to put my family through that and packing up my house - whilst trying to sort out these other things is taking ages! I never realised how much shit I have!!

I was a 1 for months until recently. I realize now that I have been passively suicidal. I only admitted it to 2 people in life and I thought everyone was that way. A rough break up (it took my ex 3 months to move out) and exstetential crisis put me over but since my ex has been gone a few weeks I've slowly come out of it and am a 4. I like having all that is required for the SN with me. I kind of wish I had gone through with it when I got really low because life will always be a hamster wheel with a sprinkling of good times at best.

 

[Solar1703]

3

 

[LADY007]

Have everything I need ....just waiting for the right day.

 

[height jumper 69]

3. i have multiple methods i can go with i really don't care what date i ctb

 

[LeapOfFaith]

I am in-between 3 and 4. Closer to 3 though.
Method planned already. Just gotta practice a bit. And then CTB when I feel like it. Could be months, could be years. I want everything planned and ready to go, so I can use my emergency exit whenever I feel like it.