What makes you want to CTB? (sadness, emptiness, pain, etc)

[kanashikunaika]

I'm usually a lurker on this website, but my suicidal thoughts got so much worse today, and I actually started planning it out. I was thinking about spending my savings on a motorcycle and driving out to the middle of Montana to stare at the milky way and ctb before sunrise. Not sure how yet, might use the noble gas method, then I can sleep one last time, lolol. (I love sleep <3) If life really wants me around, then maybe I'll get some more motivation to stick around, but who knows.

Curious to know, when thinking about suicide, is it because of your pain? Sadness? or Emptiness? Or maybe something else I'm not thinking of. For me, right now, it's emptiness. I already have what I wanted in life. I'm away from my parents, and I have friends who care about me, now I don't care about staying alive for anything else. So, what's it like for y'all out there? I would love to listen

 

[cursedbynature64]

Because I seriously doubt I'll ever be able to live comfortably, much less be successful, due to issues caused by autism.

My relationship is in a rocky place right now, but I am still holding onto some hope for us. But if it doesn't work out, that'll be what pushes me over the edge.

 

[underthedatetree]

guilt + hopelessness + fear of the future

 

[BlazingBob]

Chronic pain and sickness, unbearable exhaustion, medication side effects, no family, looming homelessness, financial ruin and destitution, loneliness, horrible sleep problems. I sleep 3 to 4 hours a night if I'm lucky and wake up at least 8 times, due to neurrological problems. Abusive and humiliating living situation. I get hammered down every single day, told I can't do anything right, pushed around, bullied. I have nowhere else to go. Mental health problems, cptsd, horribly abusive childhood including neglect and abandonment. Zero love growing up. No encouragement, zero physical affection. Never married no kids never had a real relationship. 51 years old, car falling apart, running out of money, non dischargeable debt I'll never be able to repay. The only thing that meant anything to me was my career as a teacher but that was stolen by chronic illness. I just want to not exist and hopefully will make that happen soon.

 

[TiredOfAllThis]

Tiredness and anxiety. Futility of life and loss of hope.

 

[kanashikunaika]

Chronic pain and sickness, unbearable exhaustion, medication side effects, no family, looming homelessness, financial ruin and destitution, loneliness, horrible sleep problems. I sleep 3 to 4 hours a night if I'm lucky and wake up at least 8 times, due to neurrological problems. Abusive and humiliating living situation. I get hammered down every single day, told I can't do anything right, pushed around, bullied. I have nowhere else to go. Mental health problems, cptsd, horribly abusive childhood including neglect and abandonment. Zero love growing up. No encouragement, zero physical affection. Never married no kids never had a real relationship. 51 years old, car falling apart, running out of money, non dischargeable debt I'll never be able to repay. The only thing that meant anything to me was my career as a teacher but that was stolen by chronic illness. I just want to not exist and hopefully will make that happen soon.

You're doing what your body and mind can handle, and that's enough. I'm hoping for peace for you, friend. You deserve that much at least.

 

[Deleted member 65988]

Curious to know, when thinking about suicide, is it because of your pain? Sadness? or Emptiness? Or maybe something else I'm not thinking of. For me, right now, it's emptiness

Sadness
Anger
Discontentment
Loss

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

All of the above. Top it off with being a kissless loser incel virgin at 30 years old and now I have a reason to kill myself for the greater good as well.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

Life itself is just undesirable for me

 

[dragonofenvy]

Feeling like my heart is being ripped open by loneliness. Feeling an empty pit in my chest at the prospect of having to do shitty jobs for the next 50 or so years, yet not being able to earn enough to retire. Being unable to form relationships no matter how hard I try due to how I was born. Not being able to enjoy anything. Not worth the fight if you are fighting for nothing.

 

[ctbcat]

i'm an escapist. i'm always trying to escape something or someone. but the guarantee with life is that it always catches up, one way or another. being dead means i'd no longer have to agonise, run and run and run... death requires stillness.

best way i can summarise it, i guess. my temperament is a big part of my exhaustion.

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case I wish to cease existing as I have no interest in suffering in this cruel and futile existence just to be tormented by old age and die anyway. For me existence itself is the true problem and is an abomination, I find it very tragic how something so harmful and dreadful as life even exists at all. To me only eternal non-existence is desirable, I'd always see it as better to not exist no matter what, for me suicide is the way to find safety from suffering and peace from the torturous, pointless burden of existing as a human, ceasing to exist would solve everything for me.

 

[Soontobegoner]

Not having enough tools to survive... And not being able to find a way

 

[leavingthesoultrap]

Mental and physical issues that might qualify for a disability.
But can you even survive on that money nowadays?

 

[tbroken]

Life scars, injustice, bad luck and thanks to the previous ones: emptiness.

 

[outrider567]

Loss of loved one, turned my life into an empty shell, devoid of any kind of satisfaction or contentment

 

[SmallKoy]

I would just like to cease to exist. Living feels like a massive burden to carry. I can't see a future for myself when I try to envision one.

 

[piryohae3]

• I hate working
• I hate this system
• I hate dealing with people
• inability to overcome my personality defects
• don't want to be around the next few decades bc it's all going to shit - environmentally, politically, socially, economically

 

[sosoft_sogentle]

I really want to give people the peace of mind and happiness thru my absence that my presence could never provide.

 

[RollingGiant]

Anger/depression, alienation from other people, not having any skills, knowing that I've wasted my life so far and will probably keep doing so

 

[ResilientAF]

Trying to maintain 2 jobs and juggle it all, masking with autism, menopause looming makes struggles more difficult, bipolar moods, flashbacks, meds do nothing to ease things and just the constant discrimination, bullying at work, condescending shitty attitudes of society. My brain can't take any more and my body is just finished with trying to maintain being conscientious. Would happily shut my eyes and never wake up again. Totally spent. I'm into my spoons in the next century.

 

[letmeoutofthis]

Unreal pain

 

[imnotsurewhy]

the fact the best part of my life was stolen from me because my mom is disgusting selfish trash i m an adult so i will spent most of the rest of whats left working in a job i will probably hate so i can pay the shithole i live in than i will get too old to work And some disease will kill me if i wont do it myself

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Financial issues.

 

[Unattainable666]

I will ctb for the following reasons: (1) loneliness; (2) no family; (3) no friends; (4) no one who gives a shit if I live or die: (5) a job I hate (after driving 1600 miles under their lying to me about the job): (6) no money; (7) no other job prospects; (8) anxiety, depression and PTSD. I think this covers it

 

[VM08L]

Hmm I think it's the lack of control & direction in my life. As if one hits the ceiling, so to speak—nowhere up to go. Not to sound dramatic though; Lack of options just does a lot to people, myself included.

 

[BlazingBob]

You're doing what your body and mind can handle, and that's enough. I'm hoping for peace for you, friend. You deserve that much at least.

Thank you for your kind words.

 

[J&L383]

Well, at least you have thought this through. Seriously, BlazingBob, you have plenty of rational reasons, far beyond what I have, and yet I'm quite serious about going down this road as well. (Time, place, method: tough to decide ).

I wish you the best.

 

[wait.what]

Well, there's the personal reasons:

1) Terribly abusive childhood that has left me with CPTSD and an insecure/avoidant attachment style that makes close family life impossible. (Ever try to make a pet of a feral cat? That's like living with me.)

2) I have either a collection of unrelated autoimmune disorders or one big one that doesn't have a name. I've got at least 4 relatives that have the same shit, and every one of us gets sneered at and told we're making things up to get attention. Look, assholes, if I could tolerate attention I wouldn't be "single, never married" at 51.

3) Physical and mental illness have kept me from achieving just about any of my life goals. I remain almost entirely financially dependent on a former abuser. I swear, just coping with the swallowed rage takes up half of my energy.

Then there's the more environmental problems:

4) In much of the world, tormenting LGBTQ+ people is considered somewhere between a delightful, wholesome pastime and a civic duty. It isn't too bad in my general area, but I live in an old folks' home where it is perennially 1960. I feel like Frankenstein's goddamn monster, waiting for the villagers with torches to show up. If the villagers were all like 95.

5) Increasingly, I feel like the American experiment has been a failure. People say they want democracy and equal justice before the law when they're looking at the manor houses of the elite. But as soon as they discover that tenement dwellers say the same thing when looking at single-family houses in neat little suburbs, they start clamoring for martial law. It's said that democracy gives a people the government they deserve, and apparently we deserve a packed clown car speeding straight toward a cliff.

6) The Anthropocene, the 6th mass extinction, nine tenths of the world's cities flooded by the sea, desertification at the center of every continent, and the remaining population centers crammed with ten billion souls, all crying for potable water and something untainted to eat. Humanity being what it is, bullets will fly. Earth will return to homeostasis, it always does. It'll just be a very unpleasant process for most living things. With luck, I'll be dead then.

 

[Bouquet]

I'm very Dissatisfied with my life and myself, there's nothing that really motivates me, I don't want to deal with a life I don't like, my mind has been chaotic these days and these thoughts always come back frequently... I know that at some point in my life I will do it.