Discussion What made you think about ctb the first time?

[Fedrea]

34

 

[PDAnnie2610]

12 - the realisation that death would give me a sweet release from childhood anxiety, being bullied and the general sense of being tainted years prior.

 

[Poptart]

I was 11. Suffering from severe PTSD by living with a methed out pedophile. I had my life threatened so many times it desensitized me to death.

The first time I thought about CTB, my mom had let him back in the house after he was arrested for beating her. (I called the police on him.)

I realized I was powerless. Helpless. I was going to be living with these sick people until they kill me.

I also thought I was inherently worthless. My mom had drilled that into me.

So naturally, I wanted to end it all. Ill die my way, not by being strangled to death by a mad man.

I even found a "partner" over the internet who promised to hold me while we died together. Looking back that was super sketchy, as I was 11.

I tried to die at this time by overdosing on benadryl (the only accessible medication in the house.) Instead I had hallucinations and felt horribly sick, of course. Lol

Ive tried to die various times after this for one reason or another. Im in recovery now but know Ill die by suicide if I relapse again.

 

[lostangel]

What made me think about it. I remember well. I watched a youtube video called ''Draw my life''. It was from a YouTuber who I was a fan of. This was many years ago though. I remember him saying he tried to kill himself because he couldn't handle his life. I think that was the first time the idea of ending your pain with suicide was planted in my head. (I'm not blaming him)

So time goes by and I forget about it. Until I was 15 and I was tired of everything and so I tried to ctb. The idea of suicide have stuck with me though.

 

[Notwinnernotawin]

I was around 13/14. My life turned upside down. I stopped talking to all my friends except one. Me and my mom weren't getting along. I was being bullied on my way to school and at school. The first real attempt was last year, I never tried before because of fear, but suicide was already in my head most part of the time since I was a pre-teen.

 

[No_more]

I was about 14. I can't remember why.

 

[Soul]

I was two weeks old and my father had died and my mother rejected me and I rejected everything others tried to feed me. I was throwing up around the clock. Then two months later when my mother killed herself that confirmed it was the right thing to do.

 

[Blackpoolbootz]

Think was an early age. Remember thinking about jumping into a big pit at a building site or thinking I should of jumped in guess was start of the ruminations. Prob 17 just wanted away from the pain was thinking of ways (45 now) when your young you think everyone thinks like you do didn't know about depression then.

 

[Final Escape]

My first abortion.

 

[Velia]

I was 14. I'd just got diagnosed with an eating disorder and dropped out of school. I realised just how awfully lonely I was, there was no one there for me at all and all I wanted was to die.

 

[Close_to_freedom]

I've wanted to die since I was a kid. I wanted to do something about it when I was 20. I even walked off my job without telling anyone. I was going to do it when I got home. I ended up confined to the couch for 3 months instead. Years later and I'm much worse.

 

[brainpain2]

5-6 years ago. Developed chronic pain

 

[FriendofDeath]

I was 12 or 13. Tired of fighting with family members. I ran out of the house with a knife. Didn't use it.

 

[itsamadworld]

Six years old....I was suffering many fevers and illnesses and I couldn't hear, had a speech impediment, so my dad thought I was stupid, and mocked me. ( Yet he still believes the 'virgin Mary' got pregnant from a dove...taaa:) we all know it was a Roman Soldier! ....My mother was a rageholic, all the time and overworked... I would be left with my smart, but sociopathic sibling. This sibling would torment me in this state, in various ways. :( The family pets were also very abused in many fashions by this individual.

 

[Xebsora29]

And at what age has it been?

14. I've always been thinking about since I had issues with my family. Now that I'm older, those issues have simply been hidden but forgiven, with new ones surfacing and affecting me unfortunately.

 

[casctb]

8. Throughout my childhood, I felt unloved, unheard and betrayed by the people around me, especially my family. Back when I still believed, I would pray for God to kill me as I cried myself to sleep.

 

[Mosulonfire]

After i started seriously thinking about the meaning of life. Havent found it, albeit looked for it meticulously. And THEN it hit me....should have been 22 years old by then. The thought never left me since then.
All i see in life is the swirling spiral of time and the black star in the end. I find pleasure in thinking about the blissful oblivion that death provides. To rejoin the eternity, get deconsteucted back to atoms and get consumed by the black hole before the heat death of the universe. The thought provides Both a burden and a relief.

 

[Azzy69]

12. I was having trouble at school and got in trouble for something I did and my parents screamed at me for over an hour and I went to bed at around 4 pm that night and cried for hours realising how worthless I was

 

[catmom13]

My mother was terrible to me growing up. She would hit, belittle, yell, et. Lots of gaslighting, so my father was looped into it as well since he would believe her and not me. I've suppressed so many memories I can barely remember my childhood. I was a skinny girl with a good metabolism, but she kept telling me I was fat. One time she hit me while I was brushing my teeth and told me I was a slut because I slept in the same bedroom as a male cousin when I was 13(but separate beds).

My earliest memory of wishing to die in my sleep was age 10. Lots of crying myself to sleep.

 

[Flump]

41 The day I lost my son

 

[FriendofDeath]

41 The day I lost my son

I totally understand. After losing my son I went into shock. It's so tough. I'm sorry for your loss.

 

[StuckAF]

End of 16 when I realized I am fucked up in the head. Was only for a couple of months then it went away and now it's back.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

Feels like they gradually faded in. When I was 10 I probably had the first thoughts about life being pointless and dying being good. 14 is when I started to hate myself and think about actually wanting to die. Must have been around 15 or 16 that I decided that I could actually kill myself as a solution to stress. Exams at the time probably gave my mental state a nudge in that direction.

 

[Life_and_Death]

14. my mother had kicked my grandfather out of my life (which has a whole long story about cops and a month before my 11th bday) between the ages of 11-16 (just before my 16th bday) my mother had abused me emotionally and physically. my step father had abused me emotionally and something else i dont like talking about. i didnt even realize until i was talking to someone else and they said it wasnt normal. anyway when highschool hit i became suicidal. there was a wharf by my place that i would walk down to and think about jumping in. that was back when i just had depression it seemed. i moved out at 16 then at the age of 17 it all came but 100x worse and ive been going down hill ever since. back in november, literally the night before my first appointment with my psychiatrist, would have been my first serious attempt. i had walked to a bridge close by but someone stopped. said theyd help me and all that shit and i havent heard from them since. im not letting someone stop me next time.

 

[Worthless_nobody]

Age 13 or 14 when I was bullied in a christian school because I was "different" had Asperger's and I stood out since the class size was smaller...teachers did nothing..I was touched inappropriately by principals and was told I'm demon possessed and going to hell when they found my art and poetry about suicide.

 

[Shinkansen]

I have been suffering from depression since elementary school, but I really started considering suicide at 15: at that time I often went to the library to study, and there was a group of 4-5 bullies who enjoyed making fun of me because I was always alone and silent.
one day I got tired and told everything to the librarian, who chased away the bullies.
one afternoon, a week later, I was walking alone listening to music, and suddenly I was surrounded by the usual bullies who beat me with strong punches and kicks until I fell, then those bastards ran away laughing.
I came home crying with severe pain in my wounds, I looked in the mirror and said "I want to die".
I did not tell my parents anything, they would not understand and would have called me "weak" "coward", I only told them that I had fallen.

 

[Human2020]

Feeling that I will never fit in society and that my solitude will last forever. It was in 2009, I was 13 years old going on a winter school trip, someone noticed that I was by myself and told me "you should go to the solitude camp", it was a dumb joke yet at this moment I really felt dead inside having my loneliness pointed out to me while previously thinking no one gave it any thought nor even noticed and I just wanted to disappear. Of course, I spent the whole time at the trip by myself observing with sadness all the groups of friends laughing and having fun. I had zero friends and ate every lunch for the rest of my school years in the bathroom stalls so I wouldn't look like a loser eating by himself in the cafeteria. I was right, absolutely nothing has changed since then and I've never had a friend (neither irl nor online) during my teenage years until now, my mid 20s. My 13 years old self would have a mental breakdown and a heart attack if I were to travel in time and let him know what awaits him...

 

[alexit]

9. Abuse.

 

[CalmStrikeofMercy]

12 - unwanted sexual contact

 

[Cherrypea]

When I was about 9 I just remember really wanting to die, I put a plastic bag over my head (as we were always told this could kill you) and lay there for a while. Nothing happened so I gave up on the idea for a few years, took a few pills age 14, had a plan to jump under a train age 17. Unfortunately I didn't do it, left home and thought I could have a normal life. Now many years later it has just gradually come back as I've now messed up my children's life with my anxiety.