Discussion What made you think about ctb the first time?

[_Minsk]

And at what age has it been?

 

[Sad_Autistic_boy_101]

I was 15/16 and I was surrounded by trauma (even more so now) but back then I just discovered what trauma was and it all became to much. I was (and still am) very depressed and struggle with mental health.
Now I have lots of different reasons.

 

[WhatIsMyLife]

Around 14/15. Just seemed so anxious and stressed about everything all the time. Suicide was my safety net. I thought that if things were too much, I could always ctb.

 

[disabledandhopeless]

17 years old when I realised how awful humans are.

 

[SpottedPanda]

I was turning thirty. I'd just endured a psychotic episode due to schizophrenia, and was sectioned. I was terrified of being hunted by others, due to paranoia. I had the realisation that I could escape the pain of my existence, by exiting this life. Since then I haven't shaken that realisation, even after my paranoia and anxiety faded. Now I'm just tired of being conscious, and experiencing living

 

[moonchild]

I was 16/17 the first time I thought about it clearly. Everything was just really bad (at home, in school, with friends), and I remember feeling like I had finally realised that I was doomed. That the reason I never fit in and was always wrong, is because I'm lacking something essential. Now I'm 25 and fucked in every aspect of life, because I never planned on living this long and did nothing to make sure it would be good.

 

[Outsider]

23 finished education. Had to find first job. My social anxiety was reaching new heights so was loneliness. I realized how anxiety and me being fucked up lead to this point. How it "wasted" my supposed to be best years being young. How I ended up without friends and no gf ever through all that time. I thought I would kill myself in next 5 years if I didnt fix it.

 

[beyond_aquila_rift]

I don't exactly remember why. I just know I started having suicidal thoughts at the age of 14.

 

[SnakeTeam93]

I was 15/16 and I was surrounded by trauma (even more so now) but back then I just discovered what trauma was and it all became to much. I was (and still am) very depressed and struggle with mental health.
Now I have lots of different reasons.

I had almost the same problem I had a huge trauma at 5 but I made it out of it really good (probably because of the age) and then some small things happened but nothing to start ctb and when I was 15 another huge trauma and that broke me and made me think ctb almost every day

 

[maru.]

I was 18.
I woke up early, like most days, to go to college.
To me college was torture at that point, i just wanted to be alone in my room all of the time, where i could feel some peace at least.
So i got up, drank something, and just thought to myself about skipping class again, like i was doing most days at that point.
My mom got in the kitchen, and i told her that i would skip class again.
I was expecting her to just not think about it too much, like every day until that one.
She asked me: "Do you want to just drop out? You can go work with me and your dad at the store".
I just froze, i wasn't expecting that at all, that coldness, and above all else, that, idk, "realness".
The tone of her voice, the look on her face, the question itself, the context, all of that together made me realise what she really meant.
She was dissapointed, because it was clear that i was a failure already, that i wasn't the same person as the kid that got the best grades all of the time.
She pretty much made clear that she had already given up on me, completely, didn't even offer me a change to do something else, just working at their store.
It was at that moment that i've realised that literally everything went from being very good to completely awful in just a couple of years.
I lost my friends, my ambitions, my hobbies, my hopes and my dreams just like that, a couple of years and a few bad decisions was all it took.
However, the one thing i realised at that point was that, well, i wasn't okay, but above that, there was a chance of things never really getting better.
I guess i had an epiphany, a reality check, that the thoughts i had as a teenager, of being special somehow, of being the protagonist, were pathetic.
Some people are born, live and die being miserable, and i realised for the first time that there was nothing stopping me from being one of them.
It was the first time in my life i ever considered that, the first time i thought that maybe, just maybe, i wouldn't get my happilly ever after.

 

[DarkAngel]

I was 13/14 and had a traumatic home life. I didn't see any other way out, but I also didn't have enough info on how to do it properly.

 

[serah]

I tried my first "attempt" when I was 9 years old. I had been self harming for a couple of months and don't remember what was it that pushed me to attempt to ctb. I can just recall how happy I was the entire day, thinking that I was going to finally end it.

 

[TheEndof]

I was very young. The exact age is honestly unknown to me at this point. I estimate I was around 6-8. I was always a sad kid. Bad parenting and abuse, feeling completely alone and abandoned.

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

Existencial crisis. I'm feeling this everyday. I have goals but at the same time I want to hang myself. It's like I see no point in nothing. It sucks.

 

[Ctbiminently]

I was 13 the first time I tried (friends stopped me) it all got too much, I'd been cutting for about 18 months before hand. Life started to become meaningless, I started to question why I was there just to be the subject to others abuse. My mother hates me though she wont admit it, I couldn't stand living any longer, there was days I felt like I was suffocating and just wanted it to stop. 10 years on I still feel the same way. It never stops.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

I've been suicidal since I was 12 or so. I knew that there was something inherently twisted about me and I'm just a burden and a troublemaker. Unsurprisingly, at that age I wanted to OD on random pills around the house (as if that would have worked).

I remember being that age when there was this rumor that scientists were going to try and make a black hole, and that it would kill us. I was so disappointed when I kept waking up, not dead. Lmao.

 

[june]

I was 18.
I woke up early, like most days, to go to college.
To me college was torture at that point, i just wanted to be alone in my room all of the time, where i could feel some peace at least.
So i got up, drank something, and just thought to myself about skipping class again, like i was doing most days at that point.
My mom got in the kitchen, and i told her that i would skip class again.
I was expecting her to just not think about it too much, like every day until that one.
She asked me: "Do you want to just drop out? You can go work with me and your dad at the store".
I just froze, i wasn't expecting that at all, that coldness, and above all else, that, idk, "realness".
The tone of her voice, the look on her face, the question itself, the context, all of that together made me realise what she really meant.
She was dissapointed, because it was clear that i was a failure already, that i wasn't the same person as the kid that got the best grades all of the time.
She pretty much made clear that she had already given up on me, completely, didn't even offer me a change to do something else, just working at their store.
It was at that moment that i've realised that literally everything went from being very good to completely awful in just a couple of years.
I lost my friends, my ambitions, my hobbies, my hopes and my dreams just like that, a couple of years and a few bad decisions was all it took.
However, the one thing i realised at that point was that, well, i wasn't okay, but above that, there was a chance of things never really getting better.
I guess i had an epiphany, a reality check, that the thoughts i had as a teenager, of being special somehow, of being the protagonist, were pathetic.
Some people are born, live and die being miserable, and i realised for the first time that there was nothing stopping me from being one of them.
It was the first time in my life i ever considered that, the first time i thought that maybe, just maybe, i wouldn't get my happilly ever after.

what's wrong with working at the family store? It sounds like something that you can be proud of, make better and pass down one day if you choose.

 

[Cashewmilk]

Probably 8 or 12. When I was 8 I had a little different idea in mind, but it was depressing, I was wishing to god that I never have to wake up again. At 12 I used to suffocate myself at school in the hallway with my black hoodie, I didn't want to be forced to do shit. I hated school, hated that life was going to get harder and worse, hated that I was stupid ugly and average and not rich like my classmates, not smart enough. At 14 I attempted, I went manic at 13 then crashed at 14 and kept repeating "I wish I was never born" while bawling everyday for months. Clearly the mental health system in my city is pure shit, always was and still is. I'm stuck here due to financial reasons of course lol never got better.

 

[sadghost]

I was around 10-12. My mental health started to decline at that age probably a mix of genetics, shitty friends, and a neglectful family.

 

[mediocre]

12. First year of high school I was severely bullied and tortured. It damaged me beyond repair. I've just existed since then. Ctb has never left my mind since then. I'm 27 now.

 

[Vault of Memories]

At the age of 13 I was just hit with a huge wave of depression and anxiety that hasn't ever ended. I've had signs of anxiety before that, but it became extreme at this point. On top of that I've also suffered from insomnia my entire life and as a result have suffered from sleep deprivation every single day as far as back that I can remember. I yawn all the time. When people say they got "no sleep" last night they mean they had a rough night and only got a few hours, when I say it I mean I literally laid in my bed all night overthinking and got 0 hours of sleep.

 

[Deleted member 17331]

My first thoughts were when I was 5/6 years old, when my uncle died. He was a magical person, who seemed not to be from this world, and everyone admired him. When he died everyone was disturbed in the head. My grandfather went crazy and started to sexually abuse me

 

[maru.]

what's wrong with working at the family store? It sounds like something that you can be proud of, make better and pass down one day if you choose.

I know that at first glance it doesn't seem like the end of the world or anything like that.
However, it's really a matter of context, of my life and mental health.
I grew up having a lot of expectation placed on me, especially from parents.
They never really got a choice when they were young, because in the family, having the kids work at the parent's store is just the norm.
To my entire family, especially older generations, having kids was basically having a new employee without having to pay wages and stuff.
My parents wanted to do different, they wanted me to go to college and get a degree, make a lot of money, more than they ever have.
It doesn't help that i gave them expectations that this would be the case, my whole life i was one of the best in class, that kind of thing.
Now, the transition from high school to entrance exams and then to college is where i truly became depressed, and it would take a while to explain why.
Point is, when i finally made it to college, my head was broken beyond repair, still is actually.
That's how this moment i mentioned in my previous post happened.

It's not just a matter of working at their store, but also what it implies.
I always hated this kind of labour, it just seems awful to me.
But more than that, i'd have to spend time with my parents 24/7, the same parents that would be dissapointed in me beyond belief.
I also have no doubt that they would hold a grudge, especially due to all of the money they spent on my education, only for me to throw it all away.
So the atmosphere in the store and at home, essentially the places i would be at all times, would be toxic, and i'd have no escape from it.

The atmosphere is just the first thing, the other thing that really made me miserable was the fact that, at least to me, it would be humiliating.
I used to be one of the best at high school, and then while all of my friends, who used to barely make passing grades, are at college, i would work for my parents.
I also knew that i wouldn't be able to be the kind of strong person that is sucessful even without a degree or something, i no longer have any motivation.
I'd just work for my parents making minimum wage at best, until they died, and then what?
Actually, i never though about me working with them until they died, i know how weak i am, and that's why my mom suggesting me dropping out was a big thing.
I knew that, at least in the long run, i'd ctb.
Which is kind of why i mentioned this story, it's the point of this specific thread, that was the first time it got real, the idea of me actually doing it.
The first time it seemed like i was doomed to being unhappy, and quitting felt like a much better option.

 

[030366]

I think I was around 10 the first time I thought about it, there have been episodes where I think about it on and off throughout the the years. Severe episodes of anxiety have always been the reason why, sometimes when I get in stressful situations my anxiety is terrible and negative thoughts about the worst case scenario fill my mind until it becomes an obsession that takes over my life for a few months. I don't know if I'll ever have the courage to even try to ctb but for some reason thinking about it helps me when things get bad. I say well if things get too bad I can always put an end to it and escape all the suffering, it brings me peace of mind.

 

[patheticpartner]

16, I had been a nervous wreck up until then, and when we had to start applying for universities, I knew I wasn't cut out for living under the circumstances of having to compete to work to support myself.

 

[Bct]

Didn't remember exactly but it was around 13-15 years old. Also didn't remember why I want to CTB for the first time, most likely because of loneliness.

 

[Cashewmilk]

16, I had been a nervous wreck up until then, and when we had to start applying for universities, I knew I wasn't cut out for living under the circumstances of having to compete to work to support myself.

Right? Isn't that so fucked up? In a so called civilized society we still have to compete so we can survive. What about the losers? No one ever talks about the people who don't get hired. People say you *have* to get a job, but how can you guarantee it when it's basically a lottery, and you have to win a job.

 

[DeadButDreaming]

19 or 20. Attempted pill overdose. Obviously unsuccessful.

 

[¡!¡!¡!]

Abuse

 

[SSlostallhope]

Roughly when I was 30 so about 6 years ago. Got diagnosed with bpd from childhood abuse and figured things were never going to get better for me. Just don't understand why people will think bad of me taking my own life vs natural or accident. The result is still the same. Like they don't believe we dislike living so much we just go of own own accord. What's the bloody difference if I died tomoz of a heart attack :(