
jimmy7754
I just want to be myself again
- Dec 15, 2021
- 508
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The ghost town analogy is right on. It's all the same people and places but we're just wandering through remembering what it was like before - when there was color and life and feeling… before we died … and people now realize viscerally that you're dead and so they drift away and lose contact … and eventually you're alone the way you're meant to be… you can't sustain a relationship with a ghost … there is no there there …this is an excellent question!! I have such a complex relationship to it that I'm looking to untangle. On one hand I'm not afraid because the suffering can't be worse than this, and on the other hand I feel "Stuck" in survival instinct and hoping things will improve even when I know they won't. I keep going through the motions of everything that used to make me happy, like a ghost, and nothing happens. It's like going back to a ghost town and trying to celebrate a party with people who aren't there in a town that doesn't exist anymore. I'm crying as I write this. The worst part for me is knowing I'll be saying goodbye to the five people left in my life. I know I will be dead and won't bee conscious so I can't actually miss them when I'm gone, but I still know I'll miss them when I'm alive if that makes sense? And that when I take that final step, it's over. My relationship with them as I knew it has ended. Whew. Thanks for the chance to get this off my chest!
I knew I was dead already. I've been knowing this for a while now.The ghost town analogy is right on. It's all the same people and places but we're just wandering through remembering what it was like before - when there was color and life and feeling… before we died … and people now realize viscerally that you're dead and so they drift away and lose contact … and eventually you're alone the way you're meant to be… you can't sustain a relationship with a ghost … there is no there there …
After working in healthcare for years.. I feel this way.. I see how much people hold onto life.. we pretty much suffer and in the end I believe there is nothing..To me death is an enigma.