What is your reason?

[hexd]

my life is literally falling apart. i hate my job, my mother has basically abandoned me in the house i currently stay at (though she was a abusive mole anyway) alone. i have no contact to my biological father or step.
i go days without eating anything. no hot water, my entire life was being gaslit by my entire family and told to lie to mental health professionals as a kid or id "never see my family again" now, theres no way i can afford help.
i have never started earning credit, since my parents constantly told me not too. only reason i still haven't CTB'd is because of my animals, & notoriety online.

im too much of a wuss to leave my animals behind.
my biggest closure is just SH

though my entire life has been just constant SH and being beat over said SH because my mother didn't want CPS to come again. & being hated for being inside an IEP class since my family believed that mental health just doesn't exist.

at the end of the day, if i ctb'd tmmw cars will still be driving & people will continue to live their life.

 

[Leagueofgentlemen]

I am crippled by a mysterious illness from an inner ear infection contracted whilst detoxifying from alcohol. I had had one two weeks earlier and I was a moron and drank again which destroyed my life. I am constantly dizzy and feel like I'm bouncing up and down and reading or looking at screens aggravates it so I can never have a career or a life. Horses are the love of my life but now I'm too weak to ride. No medication touches it and even neurologists aren't sure. I get tight chested, tinnitus, ear fullness, head pressure, fatigue. Mentally I'd be in a great place as I was loving sober life before I got really sick, why is life so cruel when other people have drunk far far more and been fine?

 

[Chemical Animal]

Other than mental disorders and my life becoming pointless:

• I'm sick of being an underachiever. Almost all efforts I've made to become someone worthy, useful to society and/or to be proud of have amounted to nothing, even with decent-to-good grades in school and a college degree, I've ended up in a minimum wage shitty job;
• My brain and my memory fail me when I need them the most;
• Little to no social skills, and in my country charisma and social skills are the determining factors to a satisfying life, a good job and a successful career. Here, it doesn't matter how intelligent, physically fit, talented, competent and skillful you are: if you're introverted, shy, have social anxiety/phobia, or you're simply don't befriend the right people, you're destined to be a wage slave;
• My support network is tiny and soon-to-become nonexistent, I don't have any friends and I've become so used to people letting me down that I have a hard time trusting anyone;
• I don't feel excited for anything, nothing amuses me anymore, and lost interest in almost everything I used to enjoy. I'm poisoned with cynicism and bitterness to the core, almost everything other people enjoy feels cringeworthy to me, and every time I try to engage in a new hobby, I give up in 2 or 3 months bc I need to feel a constant sense of novelty;
• Gave up of all my dreams and goals bc I've reached a point where all of them became intangible;
• Loss of identity, I don't know who I am anymore.

There are moments when all of this fades away a little and life feels less of a burden, but most of the time I feel haunted by depression, anxiey, my past and the present. And sometimes everything becomes so suffocating that I wish someone would just pull out a gun and shoot me in the head several times.

 

[Dead Meat]

I'm chronically ill and am in pain I'm just a disabled POS

 

[kernel_panic]

Bad health, low intelligence, the corruption of this world, ugliness, social anxiety and boring life.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I hate the way I look, because I was not born the correct sex. And because I was not born the correct sex and didn't go through life as the correct sex, I am depressed.

 

[tinyteefs]

People that know what's going on or my family see me laugh or see me smiling and they think "oh, he's getting better and he's going to be okay." No. I'm not okay. I'm still in pain despite my temporary appearance of happiness. I'm still in pain because I have no one to share anything with. Loving someone that hurt you and doesn't want you is the worst feeling in the world. I feel like I am just on autopilot and doing what I need to do until it's time and I'm gone.

this is exactly how I feel. I couldn't have worded it better myself

 

[darkwater]

Schizophrenia and PTBS from violence and psychological abuse.

 

[Hunter2005]

To be honest I feel like I was a mistake, I feel like I've done what I was supposed to in life and now I'm just ready to get on with it.

 

[mrwizard11]

this is exactly how I feel. I couldn't have worded it better myself

I'm sorry brother. Hit me up if you want to chat.

 

[Jezzibell]

My wife left me. I'm sad and lonely and depressed all the time. If I could snap my fingers and off myself I'd have done it a month ago. I have a good job, make good money, but I have no friends. I have nothing outside of work. I miss my wife. Every waking moment is torture. I dread going to sleep because I dream about her and then I dread waking up because then I think about her and have to pretend to be happy.

People that know what's going on or my family see me laugh or see me smiling and they think "oh, he's getting better and he's going to be okay." No. I'm not okay. I'm still in pain despite my temporary appearance of happiness. I'm still in pain because I have no one to share anything with. Loving someone that hurt you and doesn't want you is the worst feeling in the world. I feel like I am just on autopilot and doing what I need to do until it's time and I'm gone.

I'm really sorry. What a difficult place to be. Pretending the outside world that all is good.

I'm chronically ill and am in pain I'm just a disabled POS

What do you mean by POS? The acronyms on the site slay me lol

 

[leap_from_life]

Schizophrenia and that awful loneliness. That 2nd thing is the worst

 

[wiltingorchid]

hallucinations. all the time, every day, they are terrifying. visual, but mostly acustic. Voices telling me to the things. And I am so tired of hearing them, they really make me wanna ctb.
Besides that, my emotions are messed up. I either feel nothing or everything, and always at the wrong time. It's tiring.

 

[leavingsoon99]

I hate this cruel world. I've never been happy. And, I have severe depression.

 

[AerialBoundaries]

Ultimately, I am not fit for purpose.

I don't want to continue to live with the pain, loneliness and guilt that consumes me almost every waking moment. I'll never have a decent career, start a family, or have any semblance of a normal life because I'm never going to improve. I'll always be miserable and this is only going to get worse as time goes by.

I am a broken man, in every sense of the word and I keep it all buried inside of me. Nobody I know IRL knows how bad it is. I hide it very well.

Some of the thoughts that go through my head, absolutely terrify me.

 

[Librarian]

I'm not a very emotional person so it's not really got anything to do with feeling bad about myself or being lonely, I'm just bored of existence, waking up every single day, doing the same thing, i spend every second of my life waiting to be tired enough to go back to sleep because i do not take pleasure in anything.
It might sound like a stupid reason but extreme boredom can really take a toll on you.

 

[EmpathyMinded]

You

my life is literally falling apart. i hate my job, my mother has basically abandoned me in the house i currently stay at (though she was a abusive mole anyway) alone. i have no contact to my biological father or step.
i go days without eating anything. no hot water, my entire life was being gaslit by my entire family and told to lie to mental health professionals as a kid or id "never see my family again" now, theres no way i can afford help.
i have never started earning credit, since my parents constantly told me not too. only reason i still haven't CTB'd is because of my animals, & notoriety online.

im too much of a wuss to leave my animals behind.
my biggest closure is just SH

though my entire life has been just constant SH and being beat over said SH because my mother didn't want CPS to come again. & being hated for being inside an IEP class since my family believed that mental health just doesn't exist.

at the end of the day, if i ctb'd tmmw cars will still be driving & people will continue to live their life.

You aren't a wuss for staying for your animals. You want to protect them and keep them safe. That takes takes strength and character and I think it's pretty fucking admirable. Still, Imm sorry you've had to struggle so much with all that. I can't change your circumstances but I'm here to listen if you need that. You aren't in this as alone as you think.

 

[bombasleep]

i'm ftm trans in the closet and the way the world is going right now i dont have much hope. even if stuff like that wasn't going on its hard to get much motivation knowing ur never gonna be fully happy with yourself and always want something you can't have. lets hope i can Ctb soon

 

[UsagiDrop]

I had to think for a few days before I could answer. I did participate in the poll, and I chose the "I've always wanted to. I've never been happy" option. But I thought, "that can't just be it." Something about that answer felt wrong or anticlimactic, and then I realized that I never really had a clear cut reason all this time, haha. I've just always had the desire, for as long as I can remember.

I've mentioned this before on other threads but from the outside looking in, my life is wonderful. I'm intelligent, talented, fairly charismatic, attractive, tall, and I have lots of friends, a family that loves me dearly, a partner who intends to marry me, a stable job… To people in my home country especially, I'm living the "dream life" abroad. I got to go to private school my childhood/adolescence, and to university in my adult life. I got to travel the world on my university's dime and represented my country a few times. I'm not saying any of that to brag and I think that's exactly my problem. To me, these aren't things to brag about. I rarely even bring them up to people in real life and they end up getting upset when they "find out." These are things I should brag about in the eyes of normal people but I could not care less. I still feel empty, for as long as I can remember. It all feels pointless. As "ahead" as I am in life, it feels like I'm getting nowhere. So, honestly, that's why I should die.

I have to be broken or something to not be able to enjoy even those fundamental things in life, so I don't think I deserve it. If I can't be happy with things despite therapy and psychiatry and medications and money and love, why even be here at all? It may seem stupid, but that's been the reason all along for me. If I still feel miserable despite everything then what is the point of draining others with my disposition?

 

[searchingpeace]

Hi everyone,
Since January my life has never been the same. I started to have stomach pain that has gotten progressively worse and worse. I was just prescribed acid blockers for this.
Each one worked for a few days and then fails completely. Many doctor visits and no progress. No pain medication.
They run tests and tell me im fine. All the while the pain an the nausea keeps growing and prevents me from eating and sleeping.
Within the last three weeks, my condition dropped fast and I visited the emergency room four times. They run tests tell me im fine and throw me out.
The last visit I was so much in pain I told them I wanted to die. That earned my a 72 hold. For days I was put in a cage while my continued to dive. I was vomiting in the hallways nothing was done despite me being in actual medical hospital.

I ordered my SN as soon as I got out. CTB is my only choice to stop suffering. No doctor wants to help with my pain and nausea, so I;ll have to put an end to this hell myself.

My life leading to this has been filled with misery and loneliness and physical ailments. It was a shit life. with no family or friends.
There is a lot more to elaborate on/details to include for those who like reading about stories extreme agony and pain. And it gets more "complex" to explain it further, but i;ll stop here.

I love you mom. I am coming home soon

 

[HopefulSleep]

There are many more potential reasons for a person to ctb that you forgot:
-Being abused mentally/physically/sexually
-War and the horrific things that come with it (seeing lots of corpses, getting tortured, hearing bombs, being forced to kill others etc.)
-Having no friends
-Family doesn't like you
-Bullying
-Unable to find a partner
-Partner broke the relationship
-Mental or physical withdrawal of a drug
-Being poor
-Being scared of possible bad things that you could experience in the future
-Having nothing that makes fun anymore
-Hating the adult life where you don't feel like a child anymore
-Probably many more reasons

And there are reasons that don't come from pain but from a different perspective of existing:
-Preferring sleep to being awake
-Seeing no point in living a life with all it's potential difficulties if you die anyway
-Just don't like the idea of consciousness or existence
-Being able to choose your own death
-Not liking the concept of how exactly a human works, for example that you can't choose which emotion you feel
-Seeing no sense of work, finding a partner, having children and other things many humans do
-Also probably more reasons

 

[hexd]

You

You aren't a wuss for staying for your animals. You want to protect them and keep them safe. That takes takes strength and character and I think it's pretty fucking admirable. Still, Imm sorry you've had to struggle so much with all that. I can't change your circumstances but I'm here to listen if you need that. You aren't in this as alone as you think.

you're seriously such a beautiful soul. < 3

 

[squirley]

Other than mental disorders and my life becoming pointless:

• I'm sick of being an underachiever. Almost all efforts I've made to become someone worthy, useful to society and/or to be proud of have amounted to nothing, even with decent-to-good grades in school and a college degree, I've ended up in a minimum wage shitty job;
• My brain and my memory fail me when I need them the most;
• Little to no social skills, and in my country charisma and social skills are the determining factors to a satisfying life, a good job and a successful career. Here, it doesn't matter how intelligent, physically fit, talented, competent and skillful you are: if you're introverted, shy, have social anxiety/phobia, or you're simply don't befriend the right people, you're destined to be a wage slave;
• My support network is tiny and soon-to-become nonexistent, I don't have any friends and I've become so used to people letting me down that I have a hard time trusting anyone;
• I don't feel excited for anything, nothing amuses me anymore, and lost interest in almost everything I used to enjoy. I'm poisoned with cynicism and bitterness to the core, almost everything other people enjoy feels cringeworthy to me, and every time I try to engage in a new hobby, I give up in 2 or 3 months bc I need to feel a constant sense of novelty;
• Gave up of all my dreams and goals bc I've reached a point where all of them became intangible;
• Loss of identity, I don't know who I am anymore.

There are moments when all of this fades away a little and life feels less of a burden, but most of the time I feel haunted by depression, anxiey, my past and the present. And sometimes everything becomes so suffocating that I wish someone would just pull out a gun and shoot me in the head several times.

The similarities. In 98% of this are... interesting? You're definitely not alone. Good luck going forward.

Other than mental disorders and my life becoming pointless:

• I'm sick of being an underachiever. Almost all efforts I've made to become someone worthy, useful to society and/or to be proud of have amounted to nothing, even with decent-to-good grades in school and a college degree, I've ended up in a minimum wage shitty job;
• My brain and my memory fail me when I need them the most;
• Little to no social skills, and in my country charisma and social skills are the determining factors to a satisfying life, a good job and a successful career. Here, it doesn't matter how intelligent, physically fit, talented, competent and skillful you are: if you're introverted, shy, have social anxiety/phobia, or you're simply don't befriend the right people, you're destined to be a wage slave;
• My support network is tiny and soon-to-become nonexistent, I don't have any friends and I've become so used to people letting me down that I have a hard time trusting anyone;
• I don't feel excited for anything, nothing amuses me anymore, and lost interest in almost everything I used to enjoy. I'm poisoned with cynicism and bitterness to the core, almost everything other people enjoy feels cringeworthy to me, and every time I try to engage in a new hobby, I give up in 2 or 3 months bc I need to feel a constant sense of novelty;
• Gave up of all my dreams and goals bc I've reached a point where all of them became intangible;
• Loss of identity, I don't know who I am anymore.

There are moments when all of this fades away a little and life feels less of a burden, but most of the time I feel haunted by depression, anxiey, my past and the present. And sometimes everything becomes so suffocating that I wish someone would just pull out a gun and shoot me in the head several times.

The similarities. In 98% of this are... interesting? You're definitely not alone. Good luck going forward. Or not.

Again, I'm curious. I realise there may be other reasons and that more than just 2 may apply. But its your two main reasons.

I chose.
Mental disability.
There is no point of my life.
Although I first selected 6.. in total.