What is your primary reason for ctb?

[Taylor]

Self explanatory poll I created, out of curiosity:

 

[15dec]

Depression that I'm incredibly unlkley to get treatment for, and if I do manage to get treatment it'll be several months or years before it starts and even longer to see results. And even then I'd probably never completely get rid of the thoughts. Living like this for the rest of my life sounds like hell.

Also, that I'm a pretty bland person at best and downright cruel at worst. My mental health only seems to contribute to this problem. So it seems like the easiest way to stop my pain, and stop inflicting pain on others, is to ctb

 

[Paulsmith]

Depression here and life in general. Everything sucked after 21

 

[Taylor]

Depression that I'm incredibly unlkley to get treatment for, and if I do manage to get treatment it'll be several months or years before it starts and even longer to see results. And even then I'd probably never completely get rid of the thoughts. Living like this for the rest of my life sounds like hell.

Also, that I'm a pretty bland person at best and downright cruel at worst. My mental health only seems to contribute to this problem. So it seems like the easiest way to stop my pain, and stop inflicting pain on others, is to ctb

I honestly feel that today's mental health system, specifically the treatment of depression, is so far out of date. Depression itself is a merely a symptom, often of a root cause that very complex and multifaceted. Something that today's typical protocol of medications and therapy can only "treat" like a band-aid. I'd say that were still decades away from finding an actual cure, such as the manipulation of memory from neuroscientists like Steve Ramirez. If something like that were possible, such as literally erasing trauma and ptsd from the mind, so many people would potentially be saved from ctb, myself included, since that is half of my battle right there. That is the future of mental health. Unfortunately I'm in so much physical pain already on top of it, and am not willing to sit around wasting my life for another 10 years or more, just to feel like "myself" again. I'd much rather just end it now, and safe myself all of that unnecessary suffering.

 

[Taylor]

Depression here and life in general. Everything sucked after 21

Couldn't agree more. My life fell apart completely, literally and figuratively haha, at just 21 years old.

 

[Paulsmith]

Couldn't agree more. My life fell apart completely, literally and figuratively haha, at just 21 years old.

Yeah and I am now 32

 

[Taylor]

Yeah and I am now 32

I'm 25, and know that it only gets worse from here...

 

[15dec]

I honestly feel that today's mental health system, specifically the treatment of depression, is so far out of date. Depression itself is a merely a symptom, often of a root cause that very complex and multifaceted. Something that today's typical protocol of medications and therapy can only "treat" like a band-aid. I'd say that were still decades away from finding an actual cure, such as the manipulation of memory from neuroscientists like Steve Ramirez. If something like that were possible, such as literally erasing trauma and ptsd from the mind, so many people would potentially be saved from ctb, myself included, since that is half of my battle right there. That is the future of mental health. Unfortunately I'm in so much physical pain already on top of it, and am not willing to sit around wasting my life for another 10 years or more, just to feel like "myself" again. I'd much rather just end it now, and safe myself all of that unnecessary suffering.

I've made a few threads about it before but mental health treatment where I live has been rated 'inadequate' for the past three years. I read some articles about it yesterday and the mental health trust in my area is actually the worst in England. Some people have waited five years for treatment, urgent referrals (like mine was) are often downgraded to being routine when it's been shown unsafe to do so, and several people have attempted to ctb while being on waiting lists for months. Part of it is undoubtedly due to understaffing -they essentially have to cherrypick who is most severe to treat and who can manage by themselves without treatment until they deteriorate more. Some staff genuinely seem to care but others just seem to want to get you out of the system as soon as possible even if that means refusing care or half-assing it. A revolution in treatment would be amazing, but even now it's a known fact we can access better medication to treat mental illness but they're not being prescribed in favour of less effective counterparts. Memory manipulation would almost certainly be a cure for many people but it would probably be deemed too ethically incorrect. Sorry you've had a hard time, I hope you can find some peace soon. Hugs

 

[Paulsmith]

I'm 25, and know that it only gets worse from here...

Unfortunately yes

 

[Taylor]

I've made a few threads about it before but mental health treatment where I live has been rated 'inadequate' for the past three years. I read some articles about it yesterday and the mental health trust in my area is actually the worst in England. Some people have waited five years for treatment, urgent referrals (like mine was) are often downgraded to being routine when it's been shown unsafe to do so, and several people have attempted to ctb while being on waiting lists for months. Part of it is undoubtedly due to understaffing -they essentially have to cherrypick who is most severe to treat and who can manage by themselves without treatment until they deteriorate more. Some staff genuinely seem to care but others just seem to want to get you out of the system as soon as possible even if that means refusing care or half-assing it. A revolution in treatment would be amazing, but even now it's a known fact we can access better medication to treat mental illness but they're not being prescribed in favour of less effective counterparts. Memory manipulation would almost certainly be a cure for many people but it would probably be deemed too ethically incorrect. Sorry you've had a hard time, I hope you can find some peace soon. Hugs

Wow, that is terrible. I heard that Canada has a similar issue with their behavioral health departments. Probably their only consequence in having free healthcare to the general population. Long wait lists and understaffing. Thank you! I hope you do as well. Hugs!

 

[furax53]

in France it's the same lack of staff at the level of psychatric care and hospitals have become factories ah money or take the time to listen to people suffering and morons with meds

 

[Koal]

The world is cruel and scary. Some people are capable of dealing with it, but not me.

 

[Floraknife]

Psychotic depression, anxiety/paranoia, rapid cycling bipolar 2. On top of that I've found that I'm hardwired not to trust anyone so my interpersonal relationships are hell, I'm internalizing all of my negativity so I don't hurt anyone else with it and it's sucking the life out of me, my mental health is somehow still capable of deteriorating. I've been unemployed but job searching for 2 years to no avail, been out of the rat race for too long. Now it'll be impossible to get back in esp without creating a whole new personality where I'm not this fucked up, and I don't have the energy. The social skills I used to have are gone because I've barely talked to anyone but my s/o in months and he's in jail until May, so for the most part I still spend 100% of my time by myself and can't break the cycle. Couple that with no business/life/coping skills... and... yea.

So I'm nearly out of food (yeah, even ramen), been denied food stamps and unemployment benefits and I'm too young to apply for disability. Been too much of a burden on my struggling family already, it's not likely to get better for me so why waste any more of their time/resources, I'd feel too guilty. Basically just lost every ounce of the will to live and I'm only 21, been struggling with depression & a suicidal mind as far back as I can remember, and I can't imagine spending another year like this, let alone a whole lifetime. Fuck that. I'm ctb before it inevitably gets worse and I become homeless, alone, with no way out in an unfamiliar state, and lose my shit. I'd rather go out with a scrap of dignity.

 

[Jiva]

Pains.

 

[Floraknife]

Oh, and since I'm splaying out my guts anyway, my s/o undoubtedly deserves a better partner but I haven't been able to break it off yet because him & our dog, Boobs, really are the only light in my world, I love them so much it breaks my heart... and I'm still stupidly holding onto hope that there's a way out of this. (There's not, and I feel like a coward).

 

[15dec]

Oh, and since I'm splaying out my guts anyway, my s/o undoubtedly deserves a better partner but I haven't been able to break it off yet because him & our dog, Boobs, really are the only light in my world, I love them so much it breaks my heart... and I'm still stupidly holding onto hope that there's a way out of this. (There's not, and I feel like a coward).

Have you looked into ways out of it, maybe therapy could help, though it's different for everyone

 

[Taylor]

Psychotic depression, anxiety/paranoia, rapid cycling bipolar 2. On top of that I've found that I'm hardwired not to trust anyone so my interpersonal relationships are hell, I'm internalizing all of my negativity so I don't hurt anyone else with it and it's sucking the life out of me, my mental health is somehow still capable of deteriorating. I've been unemployed but job searching for 2 years to no avail, been out of the rat race for too long. Now it'll be impossible to get back in esp without creating a whole new personality where I'm not this fucked up, and I don't have the energy. The social skills I used to have are gone because I've barely talked to anyone but my s/o in months and he's in jail until May, so for the most part I still spend 100% of my time by myself and can't break the cycle. Couple that with no business/life/coping skills... and... yea.

So I'm nearly out of food (yeah, even ramen), been denied food stamps and unemployment benefits and I'm too young to apply for disability. Been too much of a burden on my struggling family already, it's not likely to get better for me so why waste any more of their time/resources, I'd feel too guilty. Basically just lost every ounce of the will to live and I'm only 21, been struggling with depression & a suicidal mind as far back as I can remember, and I can't imagine spending another year like this, let alone a whole lifetime. Fuck that. I'm ctb before it inevitably gets worse and I become homeless, alone, with no way out in an unfamiliar state, and lose my shit. I'd rather go out with a scrap of dignity.

Wow, that sounds almost identical to my situation, on top of being injured and suffering in severe pain from head to toe. I especially can relate to how you mentioned being out of the rat race for too long. Because of the rarest and strangest social fears I developed years ago, I'm practically socially inept now, and have resorted to completely isolating myself from all social contact, and staying locked away in my childhood bedroom, only leaving the house for food and other things I need, because I basically feel subhuman now, like I don't belong here anymore. It's so sad. I've been in and out of trying to reestablish myself back into society for about 4 years now, but my issues keep coming back to haunt me and I keep ending up back here, while the physical pain just keeps getting worse and worse. At this point, being 25 now and trying to start all over while being so physically damaged and still haunted by these social issues every day is just like, lol, hold my beer while I kill myself.

Here's my full story (towards the bottom) if you're interested haha:
https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/introduce-yourself.3952/page-9

 

[Floraknife]

Have you looked into ways out of it, maybe therapy could help, though it's different for everyone

Was in therapy for some time last year, it did absolutely nothing for me. Course I didn't stick around for more than a few months but my therapist was... very condescending, it was like talking to someone who should have been an elementary school teacher, and having medicaid reduces your options by a lot. There is one depression center that takes it nearby, and I am thinking about calling in, I have hospitalized myself once before - but I'm still in debt from that, and it's not like that would make a dent in my unable to work/feed myself problem for months if not years, and I'm living off of $100 every couple of weeks that I'm thankfully still able to make with a craigslist cleaning ad lol... at least until the last of my social skills deplete. Nah, even in my best of times, even on a med regimen I was happy with, I still want to ctb. My brain just continuously attacks itself. No way outta that. Thank you though, I appreciate it and I'm still *kinda* on the fence 'bout giving it one last go, at least. Sorry I type so much, really, haven't had anyone to talk to

 

[Taylor]

Oh, and since I'm splaying out my guts anyway, my s/o undoubtedly deserves a better partner but I haven't been able to break it off yet because him & our dog, Boobs, really are the only light in my world, I love them so much it breaks my heart... and I'm still stupidly holding onto hope that there's a way out of this. (There's not, and I feel like a coward).

I feel like a coward too, despite the magnitude of my suffering. But then I think of all the "successful" and "happy" people out there who are completely fine, and imagine them having just one of my problems, and laugh at the thought of them trying to handle it, knowing they'd probably kill themselves too. When you think of it that way, we're the strong ones, having to deal with problems so severe that we contemplate taking our own lives to compensate. If anything, it takes tremendous courage to kill yourself, peacefully or not. Not many people are capable of it.

 

[15dec]

Was in therapy for some time last year, it did absolutely nothing for me. Course I didn't stick around for more than a few months but my therapist was... very condescending, it was like talking to someone who should have been an elementary school teacher, and having medicaid reduces your options by a lot. There is one depression center that takes it nearby, and I am thinking about calling in, I have hospitalized myself once before - but I'm still in debt from that, and it's not like that would make a dent in my unable to work/feed myself problem for months if not years, and I'm living off of $100 every couple of weeks that I'm thankfully still able to make with a craigslist cleaning ad lol... at least until the last of my social skills deplete. Nah, even in my best of times, even on a med regimen I was happy with, I still want to ctb. My brain just continuously attacks itself. No way outta that. Thank you though, I appreciate it and I'm still *kinda* on the fence 'bout giving it one last go, at least. Sorry I type so much, really, haven't had anyone to talk to

It's fine don't worry, I haven't really had anyone to talk to recently either so SS has been a blessing. I've been somewhat on the fence about giving it another go but the mental health services where I live are genuinely the worst in England, so I don't have much of a chance unless I wait several months for another subpar attempt at treatment (they sent me to CBT for a few weeks after a suicide attempt before, it didn't help at all though I was lucky and had a nice counsellor -I'm sorry your therapist wasn't very good), or wait a few years until I can move to a different part of England. It might be worth calling the center though, is there any financial help you could get to help cover costs if you decide to try that and maybe some other expenses? I was thinking about asking my doctor to refer me to a different mental health trust in a different county but I'm not sure if that's possible, lol. I understand what you mean about still wanting to ctb in the best of times, my last 'good' period was in summer and even then I'd have periods for a few days/weeks feeling depressed and hopeless. Then I had a 50/50 period until November and since then it's been awful and I don't think I've felt happy for more than an hour at a time in months. It's been this way for years though so I'm hardly surprised, now I just think it's time for me to go

 

[throwaway_2620]

Depression, anxiety, unhappy with life in general and fear of ageing and what my bleak future might hold for me.

 

[Floraknife]

Wow, that sounds almost identical to my situation, on top of being injured and suffering in severe pain from head to toe. I especially can relate to how you mentioned being out of the rat race for too long. Because of the rarest and strangest social fears I developed years ago, I'm practically socially inept now, and have resorted to completely isolating myself from all social contact, and staying locked away in my childhood bedroom, only leaving the house for food and other things I need, because I basically feel subhuman now, like I don't belong here anymore. It's so sad. I've been in and out of trying to reestablish myself back into society for about 4 years now, but my issues keep coming back to haunt me and I keep ending up back here, while the physical pain just keeps getting worse and worse. At this point, being 25 now and trying to start all over while being so physically damaged and still haunted by these social issues every day is just like, lol, hold my beer while I kill myself.

Here's my full story (towards the bottom) if you're interested haha:
https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/introduce-yourself.3952/page-9

"I started developing really strange social fears/issues that have just destroyed my ability to function in life, and I'm at the point now of having turned into basically a social vegetable. I've completely isolated myself from the world and rarely leave the house. I just feel so alienated, with this overwhelming sense that I'm subhuman and don't belong here anymore."

Wow, are u me? Okay, jokes aside, I'm so sorry for your situation, and I can heavily relate. My physical medical issue is just endometriosis as far as I know (haven't been able to see a doctor in years) and even that takes a heavy toll... social skills are pretty much the pillar of our society, once you lose them, it is so difficult and draining to recover from. I've also been trying to get back into the world for the past 2 years, with mild success on and off but can't seem to kick my toxic habits and I honestly feel like I'm not worth saving at this point, every rung on the ladder I get up only shows me how deep my underlying issues are. I don't think I'm a good enough person to warrant putting that much effort into "saving myself". From what? I've wanted to die, or more accurately, to never have existed since I was a child, and I know myself well enough by now to know that even when I'm happy and have it good, I'm still sad, at the bottom of everything, and always will be. It's a cliche, but I genuinely believe my loved ones would be better off without me, I'm functioning pathetically at best. It really is sad. Even going to the grocery store is too much most days. It's not a life.

"hold my beer while I kill myself." lol! Well, I wish I had some words of wisdom for ya but in lieu, I'll cheers to that and I hope you find some peace soon, whether that's through treatment or not. Warmest hugs to you, man.

 

[Taylor]

Depression, anxiety, unhappy with life in general and fear of ageing and what my bleak future might hold for me.

I was debating on whether or not to add the answer of not wanting to get old, as that is one of my biggest reasons too.

 

[ArtsyDrawer]

Disability and depression. While the disability might get treated, I'm too scared of living past 60. I've seen what happens to really old people, and I know I can't survive that.

 

[Floraknife]

I feel like a coward too, despite the magnitude of my suffering. But then I think of all the "successful" and "happy" people out there who are completely fine, and imagine them having just one of my problems, and laugh at the thought of them trying to handle it, knowing they'd probably kill themselves too. When you think of it that way, we're the strong ones, having to deal with problems so severe that we contemplate taking our own lives to compensate. If anything, it takes tremendous courage to kill yourself, peacefully or not. Not many people are capable of it.

Truth! Not to mention "success" is so relative, and from an observational standpoint, many "successful" "happy" people have the emptiest lives, full of nothing but shallow friendships, relationships, job successes, jesus - I'm sure that's how they're able to handle it all but please shoot me if I ever decide to try to climb that sadistic ladder. I still wish I'd just succeeded in my attempt at 16. Downed a bottle and a half of aspirin with a bottle of wine, passed out, woke up deaf for a full day but otherwise didn't even need to be hospitalized. It really is so much more difficult than most people make it out to be, both psychologically and physically. The stigmatization of a suicidal mindset makes me so sad.

 

[Taylor]

"I started developing really strange social fears/issues that have just destroyed my ability to function in life, and I'm at the point now of having turned into basically a social vegetable. I've completely isolated myself from the world and rarely leave the house. I just feel so alienated, with this overwhelming sense that I'm subhuman and don't belong here anymore."

Wow, are u me? Okay, jokes aside, I'm so sorry for your situation, and I can heavily relate. My physical medical issue is just endometriosis as far as I know (haven't been able to see a doctor in years) and even that takes a heavy toll... social skills are pretty much the pillar of our society, once you lose them, it is so difficult and draining to recover from. I've also been trying to get back into the world for the past 2 years, with mild success on and off but can't seem to kick my toxic habits and I honestly feel like I'm not worth saving at this point, every rung on the ladder I get up only shows me how deep my underlying issues are. I don't think I'm a good enough person to warrant putting that much effort into "saving myself". From what? I've wanted to die, or more accurately, to never have existed since I was a child, and I know myself well enough by now to know that even when I'm happy and have it good, I'm still sad, at the bottom of everything, and always will be. It's a cliche, but I genuinely believe my loved ones would be better off without me, I'm functioning pathetically at best. It really is sad. Even going to the grocery store is too much most days. It's not a life.

"hold my beer while I kill myself." lol! Well, I wish I had some words of wisdom for ya but in lieu, I'll cheers to that and I hope you find some peace soon, whether that's through treatment or not. Warmest hugs to you, man.

Hahaha I felt the same exact way, when I was at my peak, and the happiest point of my life. I was just like, "meh." If only I knew the suffering ahead of me, how much more appreciative I would've been. I can tell you're very intelligent, and it's usually the intelligent ones like us that develop and suffer from the rarest social disorders. Our keen minds are almost like an auto immune disorder. Albert Einstein suffered from an array of mental health issues and social dysfunction.

Aw thanks! I hope you do as well, hugs!

 

[Taylor]

Disability and depression. While the disability might get treated, I'm too scared of living past 60. I've seen what happens to really old people, and I know I can't survive that.

If you are anywhere near 60 years old, you have my highest respect. I'd be absolutely terrified of even making it that far. It's like my soul knows that I wasn't meant to live past 30.

 

[Taylor]

Truth! Not to mention "success" is so relative, and from an observational standpoint, many "successful" "happy" people have the emptiest lives, full of nothing but shallow friendships, relationships, job successes, jesus - I'm sure that's how they're able to handle it all but please shoot me if I ever decide to try to climb that sadistic ladder. I still wish I'd just succeeded in my attempt at 16. Downed a bottle and a half of aspirin with a bottle of wine, passed out, woke up deaf for a full day but otherwise didn't even need to be hospitalized. It really is so much more difficult than most people make it out to me, both psychologically and physically. The stigmatization of a suicidal mindset makes me so sad.

Oh you're absolutely right, that's just like an interview I was watching the other day of the rappers from $uicideboy$ (no pun intended haha). They were saying how they have all this "success" and money now, but are still depressed as ever. I really believe it's true when they say money doesn't buy happiness.

I agree about the stigmatization of suicide, I wrote a whole thread about it here:
https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...o-one-help-you-die-and-no-longer-suffer.9646/

 

[Floraknife]

It's fine don't worry, I haven't really had anyone to talk to recently either so SS has been a blessing. I've been somewhat on the fence about giving it another go but the mental health services where I live are genuinely the worst in England, so I don't have much of a chance unless I wait several months for another subpar attempt at treatment (they sent me to CBT for a few weeks after a suicide attempt before, it didn't help at all though I was lucky and had a nice counsellor -I'm sorry your therapist wasn't very good), or wait a few years until I can move to a different part of England. It might be worth calling the center though, is there any financial help you could get to help cover costs if you decide to try that and maybe some other expenses? I was thinking about asking my doctor to refer me to a different mental health trust in a different county but I'm not sure if that's possible, lol. I understand what you mean about still wanting to ctb in the best of times, my last 'good' period was in summer and even then I'd have periods for a few days/weeks feeling depressed and hopeless. Then I had a 50/50 period until November and since then it's been awful and I don't think I've felt happy for more than an hour at a time in months. It's been this way for years though so I'm hardly surprised, now I just think it's time for me to go

'Presh your understanding, it's been a blessing for me, too. Jesus, I'm sorry to hear that. Are you in a good enough living situation atm where you think you could wait it out? And you should definitely try for a referral, it can't hurt!

Honestly I am so torn between just ending it all and saving myself the trouble of a letdown, and making the call, but a weird fear of mine is getting stuck in inpatient indefinitely if I'm open about the severity of my suicidal thoughts. And there's no possibility of financial help, so I really don't want to go back to an inpatient ward. Also I haven't answered my s/o's mom's messages for over a week, nor my own mom's, nor made any contact with my s/o, and I am drowning in guilt and shame right now. I was supposed to meet with his mom for NYE but because I wasn't answering she came by and picked up our dog while I was in the shower without telling me... I don't know, I really don't know what to do or how to even start to fix this. I'm pretty impressed you can catalogue your moods tho. Being rapid cycling bipolar along with psychotic depression, I could be in a full upswing/hopeful mood for up to a full day and then spiral so hard out of nowhere that I physically cannot move except to use the bathroom, for days on end... I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, it's a fucking hellscape. I think one last shot at treatment isn't a bad idea, if you've still got some hope, but just so you know you're not alone and I do hope you find a peaceful solution soon.

 

[15dec]

I can tell you're very intelligent, and it's usually the intelligent ones like us that develop and suffer from the rarest social disorders. Our keen minds are almost like an auto immune disorder. Albert Einstein suffered from an array of mental health issues and social dysfunction.

Intelligences is such a double edged sword it's ridiculous. I'm not Albert Einstein level smart or anything but I am reasonably intelligent. Sadly it's used as a reason against me to 'prove' I'm not that depressed, since I can still function in college and do well academically. It's always, "focus on the positives, you've done well in your exams and you're still doing well now, you've got such a bright future ahead of you". Thing is, I don't want that 'bright future' if I'm going to be miserable all the time. I'd trade intelligence for happiness any day.