I do catastrophize a lot. And a lot of horrible stuff happened in my life. I don't know whether my actual worst case scenario is that likely. It is not impossible. And sometimes bad outcomes can feel like the worst case. But rock bottom is pretty deep down.
Actually I thought about a thread I posted. I think I posted it shortly after Alexei Navalny's death. And I can remember some people called him member of the CIA. Lol. Navalny wrote a book while he was imprissoned if I re-call it correctly. A German news magazine published parts of it in an article.
Navalny told the world what helped him while being tortured in prison. On videos he was always laughing and joking. He must have been a really strong person. He said he relied on a psychological strategy. Imagine the worst case scenarion and then simply accept it. And in his case it was I am going to die in prison. There is no escape for me.
When I read that I thought something like that would never help me. And I still think this strategy isn't that good for me. A part of me would always say why not killing myself? Why not putting an end to all of this?
So we come to my personal worst case scenario. It is also a reason why I haven't attempted yet. But I was close to it.
So my fear is I end up paralyzed after a suicide attempt. After an attempt would be worse for me because if it was an accident I wouldn't blame it on me to have fucked it up. For me this really matters. I think I couldn't forgive myself. And when my family witnesses it my mom has a stroke, my dad an heartattack, my grandma dies. My parents can neither work not care for us because of my attempt. And we would all end up in poverty maybe on the street. And I was a severe nursing case. And when I am paralyzed in the hospital all my bullies and enemies would come to the hospital to gawk at me and to mock me. They took pictures of my (hypothetically) deformed body and put it on the internet. Tbh this sounds more like a nightare than like an actual scenario.
And then I am rotting in my own consciousness while my body can't move. Getting abused by hopsital staff for like 60 years to come.
And then when I finally die I end up in hell for whatever reason. Or I learn that life is actually a circle and I just start again from the beginning.
Maybe this all sounds a little bit ridiculous. I don't know. On the other hand if this was my future I had it currently somewhat comfortable in comparison. Life is pretty scary to me.I have witnessed a lot. So much fucked up shit happened to me. I think shouldn't ruminate more about it. There is no real benefit.
In October 2024 I almost attempted. My mom and grandma never learned the truth. They thought everything would have been harmless and my friends overreacted when they called the police. I could see the gaze of my mom at the mental hospital. Damn, this was hard. The clinic stay was a complete nightmare a patient committed suicide and I was so paranoid that I thought I triggered her into killing herself. For 24 hours I was very convinced of that and I thought they whole clinic would blame me. I told the truth to my dad. I am not sure whether this was good. He made a grave mistake at his work 1 year later. Maybe this wouldn't have happened but this is pretty much speculation. In some ways the outcome of all of this was somehwat positive. But only because my friends called the police prior to taking the SN. It would have become pretty messy if I they came after I took it. I can remember my dad visited me at the clinic. He drove in his car with me. He drove extremely slow and all the cars behind him honked. He left the car and started a loud argument with a driver behind him. And a lot of cars behind us honked and the situation was so surreal. And I just thought this is now my life. My dad seemed to be on autopilot mode. I think I shouldn't make a connection between this incident and his grave mistake at work one year later.
Holy shit my life.
Actually I thought about a thread I posted. I think I posted it shortly after Alexei Navalny's death. And I can remember some people called him member of the CIA. Lol. Navalny wrote a book while he was imprissoned if I re-call it correctly. A German news magazine published parts of it in an article.
Navalny told the world what helped him while being tortured in prison. On videos he was always laughing and joking. He must have been a really strong person. He said he relied on a psychological strategy. Imagine the worst case scenarion and then simply accept it. And in his case it was I am going to die in prison. There is no escape for me.
When I read that I thought something like that would never help me. And I still think this strategy isn't that good for me. A part of me would always say why not killing myself? Why not putting an end to all of this?
So we come to my personal worst case scenario. It is also a reason why I haven't attempted yet. But I was close to it.
So my fear is I end up paralyzed after a suicide attempt. After an attempt would be worse for me because if it was an accident I wouldn't blame it on me to have fucked it up. For me this really matters. I think I couldn't forgive myself. And when my family witnesses it my mom has a stroke, my dad an heartattack, my grandma dies. My parents can neither work not care for us because of my attempt. And we would all end up in poverty maybe on the street. And I was a severe nursing case. And when I am paralyzed in the hospital all my bullies and enemies would come to the hospital to gawk at me and to mock me. They took pictures of my (hypothetically) deformed body and put it on the internet. Tbh this sounds more like a nightare than like an actual scenario.
And then I am rotting in my own consciousness while my body can't move. Getting abused by hopsital staff for like 60 years to come.
And then when I finally die I end up in hell for whatever reason. Or I learn that life is actually a circle and I just start again from the beginning.
Maybe this all sounds a little bit ridiculous. I don't know. On the other hand if this was my future I had it currently somewhat comfortable in comparison. Life is pretty scary to me.I have witnessed a lot. So much fucked up shit happened to me. I think shouldn't ruminate more about it. There is no real benefit.
In October 2024 I almost attempted. My mom and grandma never learned the truth. They thought everything would have been harmless and my friends overreacted when they called the police. I could see the gaze of my mom at the mental hospital. Damn, this was hard. The clinic stay was a complete nightmare a patient committed suicide and I was so paranoid that I thought I triggered her into killing herself. For 24 hours I was very convinced of that and I thought they whole clinic would blame me. I told the truth to my dad. I am not sure whether this was good. He made a grave mistake at his work 1 year later. Maybe this wouldn't have happened but this is pretty much speculation. In some ways the outcome of all of this was somehwat positive. But only because my friends called the police prior to taking the SN. It would have become pretty messy if I they came after I took it. I can remember my dad visited me at the clinic. He drove in his car with me. He drove extremely slow and all the cars behind him honked. He left the car and started a loud argument with a driver behind him. And a lot of cars behind us honked and the situation was so surreal. And I just thought this is now my life. My dad seemed to be on autopilot mode. I think I shouldn't make a connection between this incident and his grave mistake at work one year later.
Holy shit my life.
