Discussion What is your main reason why you're suicidal?

[eidoll]

It's more that I had so much hope and aspirations in the beginning of my life; I grew up thinking I was smart because my family and teachers told me, I thought I was even talented in the fine arts because my peers told me so. That was all when I was very young though, when I began to mature a little I realized just how average and mediocre I am which in turn caused me to become bitter and constantly disappointed in myself because I was so distracted wallowing in my own self-hatred it was a self-fulfilling prophecy and I ended up truly average. I see my own parents gradually become more disappointed in me day by day... I need to commit so my parents don't feel such a negative emotion. I love them too much to continue disappointing them.

 

[CrowsFeather]

Autism, trauma, poor mental health, loneliness and lack of purpose.
Although all of those could probably be condensed to autism. That condition is ruining every single aspect of my life.

The sensory sensitivity robs me of every ounce of energy. A day of work is to me what a whole ween is for others. Artificial lights and too much noise give me bad migraines on top.
Social interaction leaves me often so drained that I need days or weeks to recover.

People don't want me. Period.
Didn't matter that I learned tons of behavioural psychology, neurology, how nonverbal communication works, etc. Even after ten years of intense studies and applying everything "in the field" the best relationship to other human beings I get is that they use me for either sex or for some of my skills. There is not one single person who ever initiates contact unless they want something from me. I have proof of two years no contact with everyone because I stopped initiating.

And those are the good ones.
The rest was a mixture of all sorts of abuse or being ostrasized, bullied, physically hurt, etc.
And I tried every suggestion under the sun on how to make friends, plus some of my own.
I don't have much family left and they are exactly the same as the rest, if not worse.

Its also the reason I can't get a job that pays more than minimum wage. I struggle every single day, with money and even more with energy. And it's only getting worse. I'm so burnt out I honestly don't know how I still manage to show up every morning.

Its a downward spiral with absolutely no hope of ever getting betetr. The opposite, actually, given the change of economy and such.

 

[sleepytime5]

I used to have a tiny bit of SI before because of crippling loneliness abuse and bullying, that kinda passed, instead I wanna ctb because of bipolar ocd and adhd

 

[illikthedestroyer]

I am a very smart neurodivergent person, like very high iq, but have struggled with mental health and addiction and messed up many opportunities in life. Despite getting a college degree, computer science, I have been struggling lately to find work with my last job almost 2 years ago. I just have too many red flags and don't fit the standard 'safe' mold with limited employment. I feel angry that like many very intelligent neurodivergents I have slipped through the cracks.

So now I am 45 with around 5 years actual taxed work experience. I am basically terrified of the future. I live with my mom but she will die some day and if I don't get things on track I am scared I will end up homeless or living in a shitty apartment in a bad area on disability. It is either that or working some shitty job, like at Walmart, which would be both immensely shameful and very uncomfortable as I do have higher degrees and could do something much greater if given the chance. On top of all of this I just really don't like discomfort - they say the more you avoid discomfort the more uncomfortable you will end up.

It is weird - the thought that this is my life, the only life I get, and I am the one who has to experience it. I am not just scared I am terrified.

That said I am still trying. I have no intention of catching the bus anytime soon but I think about 'what if I don't make it' and think about it as an option in the future. I go to therapy and am on meds and despite the red flags and unemployment am still working on projects and trying. I try to tell myself 45 is still pretty young, I have another 20 or so years to fix my career and get my retirement set up. I joined this forum mostly for the recovery parts.

 

[2Sensible]

I'm really sensitive which means that a little event in my life could make me spiral in sadness for multiple days (to the point of SI).
I also feel alone. I feel like a lot of my friendship are superficial, i cannot be open about my SI with them.
And i have a lot of hate and sadness in my heart and i don't know why i got them.