Discussion What is your main reason why you're suicidal?

[Aren]

This is the reason why I don't trust therapists, psychologists, psychiatrist and all the rest... these people don't give a single fuck about your well-being you're just money to them, I've had a school counseller once who tried SO HARD to lock me up and by this time I didn't even know anything about suicide and I wasn't even suicidal I was like 11 or something and she gave a letter to my social worker that I told her that I wanted to commit suicide... I've had another social worker who was so manipulative and after she become my mom's social worker she acted like she didn't even know me what a bitch...

I'm upset for you because 1 person destroyed your entire relationship and life over their own bullshit and greed, fuck that therapist I hope she burns in hell

Yes some people are pathetic... And should never allowed to "help" people.
My individual therapist is often with irrealistic dreams of recover but he helps me a lot too and was the only person to came at my home and allow me to have a walk near the sea, he came with a friend who love also video games and movies like me and he even pay me some food. I think some are helpful and others use the picture of helpful people to scam people like us and destroy our lives.

 

[ZwartHartje]

My reason isn't the loss of one but of many, many loved ones, to mass murder. Their murderers are still free and presumably happy. I have no one left here.

 

[seeyoulater26]

My stupid toxic family is probably number 1. I have an abusive narcissistic mother with violent tendencies who terrorizes us all.
I love my dad and my sister and they're so different from her, but they're always enabling her because they're big believers of the "whole family"illusion. We had the chance to run away a couple of years ago but after a year of hiding, I woke up with her in the apartment we were staying at. My dad and my sister conspired to bring her there. Big idiots tbh. They fell for her "I changed" act. But I knew it was only a matter of time before she showed her true self again and I was right.

With the safe space compromised, I now live alone, which helps my mind a lot but since we're family, I'm never truly out of the loop.
I can feel them dragging me down, emotionally and financially. Sometimes I just want to disappear from their lives forever, but I know I don't really have it in me to do that.

I want to CTB like my brother did. Just end it once and for all so I can have peace. Maybe I will. Idk. I'm trying to recover.

 

[red_cardinal]

I believe I am suicidal because of childhood abuse. Neglect. Physical abuse. And then layer everything else on top of that. Fundamentally I struggle to live because there are so many strong persons around me who walk over my boundaries and I hate myself so much I have no energy to take up space and it just fuels a cycle of self hatred and pointlessness and 'this will never get better'

I'm sorry you're struggling. What you wrote is painfully relatable.

 

[pieceoffox]

I have mental health issues and a lack of understanding of the meaning of life. Overall, I perceive life as an eternal torture that can only end by disappearing into oblivion. It's actually very difficult; even work is very difficult for me under these conditions

 

[mob]

For me, it's difficult to put it in words (as in reasons) because I believe it's something that was always meant to happen.
I have had a bad past, and my life is a terribly unlucky one (I get told that a lot whenever I do open up). It has always been. And with no doubt, it will always continue to be this way.
And then, suddenly comes a time where everything in life is fine for a brief moment, and even then, I know I'm going to CTB. It's settled deep into my bones.

I can't piece it together in a way of me being neurodivergent, poor, unstable, or being lonely. It is just a state of being.

 

[GodzillasBiggestFan]

exhaustion, loneliness and anxiety

 

[AgnesTachyon]

im just not built for this life. ive wanted to die since i have consciousness. existence itself is the source of my distress.​

 

[thefarter]

i got doxxed and reality is that i am not the kind of person who is capable of moving on from that or making peace with it or living with it. or whatever tf is expected of me in this situation

 

[tiramisu]

i have far too many reasons.

 

[No-name]

I had a good childhood, my brother became sick with schizofrenia and my father with bipolair. It was always fighting, my parents got divorced. Noboy carred about me back then, I had two skin conditions at once and developed BDD. Because a pscyhologist didnt believe me that I should get treatment for scars i developed anger issues back then. I was also very suicidal, I had N back then. I went to jail because of treatning the person who said it was imagined. I was actually just misunderstood. (it was easy to get N back then)

I had only short relationschips. BDD almost killed me 13 years ago. I had a great mother after things settled in our family she became a great support. I managed and did a lot of self healing and travelling. I had +10 good years. Seen a lot of the world. Got the scars treated and a few tattoos and even had a short relationship. I finished my study and got into stocks. Clients liked me a lot, I helped a few people. My mother died by cancer which was a terrible blow. I took care of my brother and father untill their death bed. They got euthanasia.

Now I work a lot, i am sort of social worker. I just tire easy. I have trauma from prison and not being understood. I have had several diagnoses but never anything clear. My brain is just not working like I would like it too. But what is really killing me is lonliness. I met a woman with her own baggage and we got in love and it changed the world for me. Now suddenly she ghosted me, it might be her state of mind.

Nobody ever calls me how I am, I dont feel connected to this age. To the people who live in it. I am afraid I am neurodivergent. And BDD is always in the backround. I get scars on my body from time to time, i am not sure what getting beyond 40 is going to do with my BDD. And never had a real relationship that last longer then a few months. If I could get with that girl I would go on for longer.

If not this is my fate: Be very lonely, unaccepted. Not having known true love for a stable time, being stresses for years at a time, seeing friends have their children grow old. BDD getting worse because of age and regret of no love, mentally staying tired everyday. Not being able to express myself very well. Taking care of other people while no one takes care of me. Not feeling at home in this age.

When my brother and father got euthanasia I knew I never will get it and was kind of jealous in a way. it feels natural to euthanase myself and join them. Being alone is not a worthy life. I have only nephews left and one far away older brother. My trust in mental health is completly gone because of the experience of not being understood and never getting a clear diagnoses if there is any. But in the end lonliness is the killer for me. I am everyday alone with no one calling for months. I miss my family. And even more miss a girlfriend. If this woman is there for me in a few months, that is my decission to go or to stay. I am not ending this life slowly growing old and gray in lonliness with deteriorating energy, worsening anxiety and regret and grief, I like myself to much for that and choose to join the rest of my family. I can honestly say I have tried and stayed till my parents and schizofrenic brother died. But this life doesnt live up to my standards of being worth living anymore, I need people that love me for that.

My only regret is my oldest brother and his family, they have been through a lot. My friends I' ll miss, but they will understand somehow.

 

[meowpuppy]

a good collection of all them. i'm obviously neurodivergent, but i'm trying to keep it in check as of right now. i'm very lonely, i haven't really spoken to people in a year or so, i'm unemployed, probably unemployable, i have an addiction that i'm too embarrassed about to name, and i have poor mental health, bad anxiety and depression. i'm definitely unfulfilled in life, just based on the fact that i'm going nowhere and not even in the sense of like, being productive. i'm just in a limbo state of livelihood itself.

 

[misfit toy]

Variations of mental illness run in my family with suicides across different generations. It's terrible. I have depression and anxiety. The anxiety is always there. When I don't deal with it well - it becomes self loathing and then ultimately depression. Each of my depressive periods got worse and I came out of them with a little less than before. Fewer friends, fewer interests and a knowledge that one day I would likely be too far gone to function in a way I wanted to. I am at that point.

Because of the family mental illness - my home life growing up wasn't great. I had a bi-polar parent that really went after me my entire life. They despised me and were very chaotic - especially when manic. It wasn't all his fault, and I don't hate him, but the effects were still real.

So whatever equation of nature plus nuture plus my own inability to fix it have led me to this point. I tried a lot but no treatment ever stuck. I didn't want to die. I tried so hard to feel better about myself and live a normal life but it just wasn't in the cards.

 

[Secro]

Society.

 

[destro98]

1. Ongoing adversial divorce process: Soon-to-be-ex-wife has kept me from our daughter and had me thrown out of my home by leveling false accusations of abuse, all while continuing to require me to fund her lavish lifestyle
2. General Loneliness (obviously related to the above)
3. Awful job that I want to quit with every fiber of my being, but at which I still have to remain in because the divorce court will sanction me if I resign

So basically, I have to work like a dog at a job I hate to fund my soon-to-be-ex-wife's lavish lifestyle; she gets to live in our nice house that I bought, while I can only afford to live in a tiny, shitty apartment; and I only get to see our daughter for a couple of hours a week on a supervised basis--all due to her slew of false accusations. This has been going on for six months now, with no signs of abating, as my stbxw's lawyers keep delaying the process, and this could take years to sort out.

Oh, and outside of my marriage, my family hates me and also continuously tries to extract money from me.

 

[X-sanguinate86]

Most of the things on the list apply to me but the most determining factor was my parents.

 

[hurts2b]

I don't know anymore. None of it makes sense.

 

[LetMeOut67]

Probable autism >>>chronic social isolation>>>>very severe depression>>>impending insanity

 

[snowisfalling]

I am likely neurodivergent (undiagnosed, aside from a past OCD diagnosis, until they can create an objective measurement of the suffering I have experienced as a result of being deviated in a non-specific way). I have sensory issues that have made daily life annoying (to varying degrees) since I was a toddler. I was emotionally abused growing up. I have been anorexic/bulimic/have had general food issues for the past 10 years. Still addicted to bulimia, and aware it might kill me. If I go I want to go on my own terms, not of a heart attack in my sleep, so this does concern me, but not enough to stop apparently. Still addicted to smoking. Only irl friends are coworkers. There is no one that reaches out to me and covets my company, aside from my Mom. I am also boring and have few interests.

Need I say more?

 

[Archness]

Autistic defective, increasingly dissociated from myself and the rest of humanity.

 

[LRkin]

For me it's a mixed bag. Constant anxiety, loneliness, the lack of meaning or hope for a brighter future. Even though I am undiagnosed (I have no trust in psychologic help due to my not-so-good history with "specialists"), I know that there's definitely something wrong with me. I was unable to connect with people around me ever since I was a kid, and when it came to my family, I had to try hard just to get some attention and affection. Which is quite a lonely place, to be honest. Not to mention being constantly berated for my mistakes and wrongdoings, while all the good stuff was considered to be "average" and barely worth aknowledging it.

After that, it got only worse. I had no irl friends. Most of my "connections" existed (and still exist) only online.

I hate my profession. I got my education only to avoid conscription. And even if I loved it — in our region this job gives you no wealth or respect whatsoever.

And every time I tried to change my life and to change myself, the results were dissapointing. I found no satisfaction in it. People just don't give a fuck either way, so... what's the point? And it sucks so hard when the only people who care are insatiable? It doesn't matter how hard you try — it's never enough.

And the very thought of finding someone, who will ever say "You're enough" or "You're good as you are" seems to me like some sort of a miracle. And I don't believe in miracles.

 

[oakash]

I'm sorry you're struggling. What you wrote is painfully relatable.

Thank you for saying that, it means a lot. And I'm sorry you are able to relate

 

[ant03]

I'm basically already not living at all. I've spent all lf my late childhood and teen years stuck at my room and never had a social life outside school.

As result k barely can navigate public spaces. For example, i've never even entered a coffee shop in all of my life and the last time i steped in a restaurant was probably when i was still a child. My life resumes to stay at home all of my free time, going to college and sometimes walking around in a park without interacting with anyone.

I have got a couole of friends at college, but i struggle for even the most basic social interactions outside this circle. I'm also KHHV (at 22).

Futhermore i fear i couldn't ever get a decent paying job with my under developed social skills(so far i've only worked as a cashier).

 

[thinvy]

without traumadumping too much; I'm autistic and not in the cute fun way or the socially recognized way, I'm realizing I've had crippling OCD basically my entire life, and someone I love did something so bad to me as a small child that broke me on such a fundamental level that my brain did not get to undergo the same normal development as most everyone else, making me unable to ever be a "whole" person because of how the c-ptsd legit kept my childhood "self-states" from ever coalescing into one coherent being. also I don't know how to feel romantic love because of what that person did. and then they died and left me broken the way they wanted me, here alone. oh and my health is just ass on top of all that too lol. I've coped with that for so long tho that I almost forget sometimes.

tl;dr brain machine broke, feelings no worky, relationships no worky, friendships not really worky. too many broken parts of human to fit in one brain, feels bad no remember. very lonely. body *ow*

 

[limenlux]

I've been depressed most of my life, probably due to a difficult early childhood, but I began exploring suicide in earnest after becoming physically disabled some time ago. I've been stuck in a hazy limbo of fighting the government for assistance while running out of resources and lacking a proper social/familial support structure to fall back on for too long, and I'm spent.

Increasingly, I can't help but feel like my only two options are dying fast on my own terms, or dying slowly on someone else's.

 

[smirks00ts]

mainly loss.of lovely ones and esp loneliness since I lost s bug friend group too after I fucked up and ran away because I was scared. but also feeling late in life is a part. I missed out on so much when I was younger cuz of how I gree up and as im approaching 21 this year I feel its pointless to do anything to enjoy myself. also my poor mental health and neurodivergence. autism.is a bitch.

 

[Awesomefoid67]

Mainly just cus I feel things too much to the point it causes like physical discomfort/pain (sometimes its like my chest hurting sometimes its like all my muscles especially after panic attacks sometimes its so much i get nauseous) i cant take it anymore tbh ive tried many different kinds of help and it either does nothing or it helps for a small bit but then i crash even harder and feel worse than i did before. Feels like theres no other option at this point idk ive tried everything

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

Severe mental health issues.

 

[HFK40000]

The person I consider the love of my life is ghosting me. I also have been unable to find any meaning or purpose in my life.

 

[kittygolem]

Many reasons.

Gender dysphoria is a big one, and being trans has closed off so many paths in life for me. I mourn who I could have been, the life I could have lived. I'm 2 meters tall, and am always the tallest in the room. That slowly eats away at me, even if I don't always notice it.

I'm also extremely mentally ill, the main diagnosis of which is Antisocial Personality Disorder. I can't relate to people no matter how much I try or want to. I always end up hurting others, but I never truly care for their feelings, I just want to keep the peace. Other's emotions are only relevant to my brain if they end up causing consequence on my life. I hate being this way, but it's not possible to grow grey brain matter in the amygdala magically. I've been told that I don't feel my emotions, I think them, which I believe to be entirely true.

There's many other reasons like lost loved ones or the passage of time simply being a terrifying reality, but those are the main two I deal with on a daily basis.