Ratz
PSYCO
- Oct 18, 2025
- 9
I just feel bad. Like normally I'm able to explain my feelings- well to myself like 'oh I feel sad or mad or whatever' but now I just feel bad. I don't know why but I feel a heavy weight on my chest over my heart like it hurts but it doesn't instead it just feels hollow and empty. I wanna cry but I do that too much and I don't wanna be weak or cry in front of anyone. It's weird how I used to tell myself I wouldn't get addicted to cutting myself because now I'm starting to realize I was wrong. I can't stop. It's like a drug I just can't stop fucking thinking about it. Every time anything happens or my mind goes blank it's just the blade I think about and about just how many more cuts I can fit. It sounds psychotic. I feel like I'm seeking attention. Like I'm weird. I don't like that. I wanna cry again. I'm in the bathroom and I just wanna cry. I fail at a lot of things but I think I'm starting to regret it all now. My grades are shit and I'm disappointing everyone. I'm so sorry. To myself. To my parents. God I hate everything so much. I keep grabbing the blade. I keep stopping myself but it's just an endless loop. Every time I mess up I wanna blow my brains out. The visuals in my head are getting too real. I can see myself overdosing, I can see the way my head jerks back when I pull the trigger and all that is left is blood. And it feels gross. My own thoughts feel disgusting. Sometimes I think uncomfortable things. Sometimes it's violent things. But nothing feels as good as it does when I think about ending it. When I see myself dead. When I think about everything being over and hurting my stupid fucking parents. My parents who think they are saints. They are the problem. They make me feel worse. I just wanna die.
