What is the thing that has made you suicidal?

[icravedeath]

What is the final push? For me, it was years of trauma that made me suicidal but the final push came when my ex boyfriend broke up with me and now I just want to die and there is no hope left.

 

[porfin1234]

Impulsively quit good job and moved from home I loved
I always had suicidal ideation but have made a series of really bad life decisions late last year and no turning back now.

 

[faust]

I will never again experience pleasure of dancing in the rain, will never be happy of everything I create, will never enjoy the sunny day on the beach. In more than six months this vain existence may turn into a pure catastrophe. It is not worth waking up knowing that it will be even worse. So my stay won't be too long...

 

[Xena87]

There is no trigger for me. A life time of abuse, neglect, loneliness and pain. It's bittersweet that we are all here, bonding over our shared wish to die...

 

[Tamazi 123]

Severe anxiety making life unbearable

 

[mesohappy]

Completely exhausting my finances including retirement..Its one thing to be battling depression and anxiety issues all alone when you can provide for yourself monetarily,but becomes much more dire when you cant afford food or to pay basic utilities on top of everything else.

 

[Deformationalplagio]

Im deformed

 

[klm]

Existence

 

[BasedGod]

Ex fiance left me is the trigger, outside of that my whole life has just been depressing. I'm just tired.

 

[namemanthedeadman]

The overwhelming knowledge that, if I were to try to count every person alive on Earth right now, It would take a lifetime. Mix that with an already strong proclivity for avoiding things that cause me to panic and a lack of purpose/motivation to attain purpose, it was just a natural progression to fantasizing about the end.
There have been events in my life that have made me more dead set on this path, but discounting all of what has happened in my life, I know I will still eventually die by my own hand, if it isn't something sudden.

 

[icravedeath]

There is no trigger for me. A life time of abuse, neglect, loneliness and pain. It's bittersweet that we are all here, bonding over our shared wish to die...

Death feels like a blessing at this point, I'm jealous of people who die.

 

[Nem]

Impulsively quit good job and moved from home I loved
I always had suicidal ideation but have made a series of really bad life decisions late last year and no turning back now.

Sorry to hear! I quit a good job as well and really screwed myself but good. It was a very bad decision and has created huge problems
Peace/hugs

 

[animatriste]

my wife left me 5 years ago and the depression has become unbearable. I face life every day with anxiety and melancholy. I can't take it anymore but I'm afraid of dying suffering. I find strength in you

 

[TAW122]

When I had anxiety that wouldn't go away and surfaced at areas and situations where I never thought I'd expected. (I won't elaborate on that story yet, maybe when I get much closer to CTB'ing) I don't want to get better, it's just not worth the fight imho (for what, maybe temporary peace and pleasure -- it's not worth it for me). Also, I vowed never to rely on meds for it, I see it as a lost cause for me; if I must rely on meds just to get by with my goals (and even paltry at best), then it's already long over for me. This isn't to say that meds don't help others or that others should not go seek help, if they find it useful and are willing to, then more power and best to them.

I've pretty much decided 2020 will be my last year on this world, the pleasures and small victories just aren't worth it. I don't plan on wageslaving or living a long life or misery and suffering with periodic respites in between. Life just isn't for me, so I'm checking out once I have everything ready and have the right opportunity.

 

[Mr.Nobody]

Mental illness and bad life decisions.

 

[throw.me.away]

like many people here, it's currently a mix of mental illness, some bad choices, and not being able to finish school. I've also felt this way since elementary school, so it's become like a bad habit.

 

[Dinosaur]

Paliperidone palmitate (250mg)

 

[hybridtheory]

this shitty world is a nightmare and having to constantly live in it day after day is exhausting,
you eventually become so drained and then you finally realize that life isn't meant for everyone.

 

[arposandra]

Misplaced incredibly blind loyalty.

Realizing way way way WAY too late that I should only expect myself to make myself happy.

 

[Abaigh]

Sexual abuse, manipulation and toxins friends and family.

 

[Throwmyselfaway]

It's not one things, it's for lack of a better term everything at this point. Between my horrible childhood, mistreatment at the hands of others, being belittled and used my whole life, feeling worthless. It kinda all came to a head.

 

[TheOA]

When I realized that this is not my life.
When I realized gratitude is over-rated in a passive-agressive world.
When I realized that I am too tired to figure out what 'mood' the universe is in today.
When I realized that to gain it all, I have to embrace losing it all.
I just want to go home.

 

[k75]

I'm terrified of my cancer coming back. I live with the fear every day, and it's suffocating. I know it's irrational to want to die to escape a life threatening situation, but I just can't go through that again.

Cancer and all the surgeries I've been forced to have left me scarred and mutilated. I can't stand to look at my body in the mirror anymore. It's a constant reminder of everything I've lost.

I have PTSD and relive the trauma in my dreams every night. My past haunts me, and I can't escape it. I keep going to therapy hoping for help, but my therapists don't even try to address it. I don't understand why, because I bring it up all the time. It makes me feel so hopeless, like nobody even knows what to do with me. And my flashbacks are nightmares, so I never sleep more than a little bit at a time. They're so vivid they wake me up in a panic.

I fucked up a 10+ year relationship and now have to watch the love of my life make a whole new life with someone else. Cutting ties is not an option. It's pure torture.

I have a grief disorder, where I can never process it. The pain just stacks upon itself, every loss adds to it and none of it ever gets resolved. I've never been able to fully complete the grieving process, and I've had a long string of losses back to back that I can't get over or accept.

I have a lot of painful chronic health problems. Just the pain and the fear of pain is a killer.

I'm so far away from everyone I love. Where I live now, I'm all alone.

And then there's good old-fashioned suicidal depression and severe anhedonia. Killing myself is on my mind all the time, and I can't stop it. I don't even have to have a specific reason. It's just there. I'm just really tired and can't keep living like this.

There are more reasons, but I'm done.

 

[Bigmike1583]

My wife passed away November 22 2019 and that pushed me over the edge

 

[faust]

Oh, I forgot one more reason. The last two weeks of taking meds were horrible, it was a huge depression. That is why I stopped medication and don't think I will take meds again.

 

[Cutepoison]

this shitty world is a nightmare and having to constantly live in it day after day is exhausting,
you eventually become so drained and then you finally realize that life isn't meant for everyone.

This. So much. Life isn't meant for everyone.

 

[Tasdevil]

Just over living life with severe depression ptsd from the stuff thats happened throughout my life. Been suicidal for 28 years now with a couple of attempts during that time. I just decided enough is enough my previous attempts was no planning for them. I come to realise that no medication can fix up the imbalance in my brain I don't want go through the pain of the depression anymore. I feel nervous sharing stuff but at least people here understand in so many ways for whatever reason.

 

[monotaur]

For me it may have just been growing up as a gay autistic man in a fervently Christian family; I was forced by my parents since I was a child into their Catholic movement based on social performance and annhilation of self and individuality. That would have been enough.
I started having fully formed suicidal ideas in the late years of university and during my first job, when I realized I had sacrificed so much of what I cared for (love, passions, personal interests) to overachieve and create a more socially acceptable persona, and that still it wasn't enough for people around me. I went from winning prizes and doing exhibitions to crumbling under the pressure, as in my first jobs I faced high levels of anxiety and harassment. I had to quit my office job and haven't been able to hold one ever since. I also got diagnosed with autism and that all made sense: I just couln't function the way they expected me to and meet the expectations placed on me.

 

[Callisto]

I'm a gay man who's endured 40 years of regular recurring episodes of anxiety, depression, suicide ideation, and internalized homophobia. I'm worn out, world weary, and have come to the realisation that this will be my lot for life. I don't have the energy or will to keep going for two or three more decades.

 

[Cutepoison]

Divorce and the passing of my father