Venting What Is The Point? Why Do You Go On?

[Into The Wild]

Hey,

So last time I posted a rant I got some F-ing person basically picking me apart and blaming me for how I feel, despite the fact I am trying so damn hard to feel otherwise. Maybe I will get that again. F it. Whatever. This is a place for me to talk, even if no-one listens or responds or anything. So read if you want, reply if you like. It would be nice to chat.

Why do you go on? Or why haven't you said your goodbye's yet and gone?

For me it is my sisters. I do not see them often. Most of the time I am alone. But if they were not here and at least trying to support me (despite very pressuring family environment) I'd 100% be gone by now. How about you? What keeps you here?

I just feel this life, or what I was told this life was when I was small, is a lie. Not that it's all false or people are all false. By no means. But that the promise of "growing up" and the hope of "choosing what you want to be" or "aiming for the stars" is all absolute BS. It's mostly just dumb-luck and presumption of free will, which is entirely absent, which gets us to where we end up in life. That is not to say your efforts are in vain. Sometimes, when all is well you can aim and achieve. But it is SO rare (I find) that it is almost completely lost. It is just true that there is SO much tragedy in the world. Not to me necessarily, but to so many. People try so damn hard, often for nothing...just down to luck...

I've worked quite hard to try and be what I want to be. I've had bad stuff happen on the way and admittedly some good stuff and I rolled with it. Then one day, when an especially bad thing happened I realised that NO MATTER what I do, I was at the whims of luck (fate) and most importantly the thoughts of others. They are entitled to their thoughts and actions and I am entitled to mine; but this particular event derailed what I had worked my life (or it felt that way) to achieve. It broke me and there was no going back. Not then, not now, not ever. Life seemed a rigged game. I've actually tried so damn hard to overcome...say NO to luck and to what others did. But to no avail.

Tonight, I am certain that ending things is the right thing for me to do. Whether I will have the courage to do so? Another matter entirely. Perhaps I will convince myself I can go on for some new goal that I fall short of. Maybe I will finally learn the secret which allows people to be content with what they have, despite it being a raw deal (by my estimation) but above all I will never forget the feeling I felt that day when it all went wrong. Never.

Sure, this is rambling. Sure it is self-pitying. But you know what? I don't even care. I'm not writing this to impress anyone or as an interview! I am HOPING some others feel okay that it is not just them that feels this way and can recognise some similarities. If not then WHATEVER...It helped me to type this. Maybe it would help others to type and be open rather than hate on my vague story.

Instead I'd like to hear your story! What is it?

Peace (eternal, if needs be)

ITW

 

[TAW122]

This makes a lot of sense and no need to apologize for venting. We all need to vent and voice our minds, no shame in that. Anyways, to answer your questions, I actually planned to exit this world many times, and was usually waiting on an event, a catalyst, a trigger, to push me over the edge. Of all those times, it never came and instead, being close to death at least five times in the last seven years (September 2012, sometime 2014, January 2017, September 2018, March 2019), only putting my confidence and gambling with my fate, hoping that "if things improve, I'll recover, but if it fails, I'll just kill myself soon after (or at a later date)."

So the fact that I managed to succeed in those events are some of the reasons I've continued on, including some other various reasons. I don't really have anything super special to continue to live, but you could consider that while I don't enjoy life or look forward to things, I've tolerated life just enough to not want to die (just yet). However, anything and everything could all change in an instant and then things could go to shit all over again, so I don't assume that things will always be good. I just know if I am at such a point again, then all it takes is an catalyst and then poof I'm gone (barring survival instinct and other variable interference -- which is something I've considered and have reduced as much as possible.)

 

[Donewith_]

sorry you are feeling bad about a issue that has happened earlier.
Its good that you've got your sisters who care and make you feel better.
yeah.. somethings can be changed provided certain series of events have to happen accordingly.
But, we have no control over it.

 

[CornerE]

l share many feelings and points of view you have about life , it's only because life and people are the same everywhere .

plus the luck issue , I'm so unlucky and that may be the reason why I don't get the results I need no matter how hard I try.

Bad luck combined with sneaky malicious people around .

and It's actually the bad luck that partly helds the responsibility for trapping me with bullies all along and that got me into that horrible world in the first place .


I m still here because I have failed to ctb many times before , which means I had to end up in a miserable ward more than once .

I'm just waiting for the perfect un-interruptable method that relieves me faster than anyone can handle .
So fast and terminal that no matter what they do , they can't keep me here any longer .

I think most likely it will be savage , but eeeh .. what choice do I have anyway ?!

 

[RM5998]

Well, I'm here because I'm scared of all the possible outcomes of death. And once you've settled into 'rotting while alive' mode, it becomes really easy to remain in it.

Edit: while it did feel good to spit that out, I do realize that I have it better than most, and that I'm to blame for pretty much all my problems. I find it hard to come to terms with the fact that I'll never be what I dreamed of being when I was young, and that the mediocrity that I've tried to escape all my life will settle on me no matter what. And while I do realize that my aversion to struggle makes me unfit to live in modern society, I resent the fact that I have no easy way out.

 

[Xaphous]

I have some weak feelings that life can improve but I am denied a chance for everything and reminded I'm allowed nothing at all in life. It's systematic and never backing down to give me a break.
It's hard to just end it when you have a deep mind and thinking, the possible afterlife ending up in a worse place is annoying but remains. If I had 'N' i would be more ready. I wish I could have a preview but life is too brutal to be that kind.

 

[elizabeth.luck]

My roommate has never explicitly said, "I know you're going to kill yourself" but I know he knows and it will dEStROY him when I do. My brother is disabled and I worry who will care for him when my parents die but I recently learned that they have a lot more money than I thought that they did so I'm not terribly concerned about that anymore. I guess I am going on because I wanted to give people in my life a chance to love me and show me that they care, but all I have is him in my life and it's just not enough.

 

[Into The Wild]

Thanks everyone for replying so kindly. Last time I vented some people were not so nice.

I've tolerated life just enough to not want to die (just yet). However, anything and everything could all change in an instant and then things could go to shit all over again,

I understand this ^ so much and it is a constant fear. I do just tolerate things instead of enjoying them most of the time. I keep hoping that a new event or some kind of help that I work towards will put things right. I doubt it more and more everyday.

sorry you are feeling bad about a issue that has happened earlier.

Thanks. It was quite a while back when I made a similar post and someone wasn't gracious to me at all. Seemed to suggest that my old girlfriend cheating on me was my fault and I was playing the victim. Maybe some of it was true, but I couldn't control how she changed my view on life that day. Since then the kind of tragedy that happens to others in the world has been more obvious to me and makes me feel this place is too unkind to us to bear.

I'm just waiting for the perfect un-interruptable method that relieves me faster than anyone can handle .
So fast and terminal that no matter what they do , they can't keep me here any longer .

I wish you luck in finding that if you still want it...

 

[Nichols]

Because killing yourself is not easy and because I don't have optimal means at hand -yet. I'll probably try to get N in the near future.
I do have a family I love, a 5-year-old daughter (who'll get a significant insurance payout when I die) and some close friends but I'm tired of living. Life's a pigsty.

 

[PeacePlease]

I'm still here because I haven't found a reliable method or at least one that is within my hands.

I have been depressed and anxious for long, my life was bad then, one day when I couldn't take it anymore I went to the psych med and she gave me antidepressants wich did nothing, but cause brain damage. My brain doesn't work properly and it seems that all posibity of developing a professional career, having a family or even get involved in any hobby is out of the question with all the cognitive impairment I have. I really have no hope or see a way in wich someone like me with a broken mind can even be useful in this world in any way.

I'm so sad I can't ctb just now, I feel so trapped and in so much pain. I had a girlfriend that was my main reason to stay but she left me too. There is nothing really left for me.

 

[Jc40]

I'm scared of the bit between an dying and death. I'm scared of dying. Does that mean I'll never leave by my own hand? I hope not.
I have the sn. It is something I'm comforted in having. Thinking of doing group so I'll be prolonging things again even though I know things won't be better or change but I'm too shit scared to leave right now.

 

[TAW122]

@Donewith_ Yes, I agree, a lot of things in life are left up to chance. Even if one does all the right things, nothing is guaranteed and he/she could still get screwed despite having done his/her best to improve the situation.

@CornerE I hope you will find peace someday.

@RM5998 Same here, for a very long time I've always been in the 'rotting while alive' mode until I've obtained my method. Even then, there are still times where I am simply just rotting.

@Xaphous I think a lot of it comes back down to the pesky Survival Instinct, which is something that is hard (sometimes even impossible) to overcome. It has a way to deluding your rational mind into 'falsely' believing that things will get better (when in most cases, they don't.).

@elizabeth.luck I'm sorry to hear about that, and I hope you will be able to find peace and that you brother will be able to manage if/when you are gone someday.

@Nichols I hope you are able to find something peaceful or a reliable method out, and also for your family to be ok when the day you decide to check out of this horrible world.

@PeacePlease Yeah big pharma really is evil and they just want to make money while you suffer. I hope you are able to find peace and exit this horrible world someday.

@Jc40 I think fear of death is normal, it's built into our genetics and biological system (which is why humans have survived for so long and evolved). I do hope you are able to find peace someday.

 

[Hotsackage]

I have no way to do it. Only thing I can think of is throw myself infront of a train but even then I can survive whilst my body is mutilated

 

[Nihil]

Biggest reason I'm still around is there are a few people I do really love and care about, and I know my death would ruin their lives. The other big reason is over how painful dying can be, and if I survive an attempt, but end up seriously injured and/or paralyzed. I survived a hanging attempt in the past, and holy hell, I'll never forget that pain. Worst, most terrifying pain I've ever experienced in my life. Plus, despite all the bad in my life, I actually do enjoy the little things, like eating food, drinking water, breathing, and seeing nature.

 

[ShadowOfTheDay]

Biggest reason I'm still around is there are a few people I do really love and care about, and I know my death would ruin their lives. The other big reason is over how painful dying can be, and if I survive an attempt, but end up seriously injured and/or paralyzed. I survived a hanging attempt in the past, and holy hell, I'll never forget that pain. Worst, most terrifying pain I've ever experienced in my life. Plus, despite all the bad in my life, I actually do enjoy the little things, like eating food, drinking water, breathing, and seeing nature.

Many people don't realize how terrifyingly painful hanging can be. I recently reminded myself of this fact while "practicing" partial suspension. I suppose it wouldn't be scary if you didn't somehow regain conciousness, but God help you if you do! Standing there struggling to breathe, with full body convulsions and having no recollection of where you are, or how you got yourself into this situation...

 

[Nihil]

Many people don't realize how terrifyingly painful hanging can be. I recently reminded myself of this fact while "practicing" partial suspension. I suppose it wouldn't be scary if you didn't somehow regain conciousness, but God help you if you do! Standing there struggling to breathe, with full body convulsions and having no recollection of where you are, or how you got yourself into this situation...

Yeah, for me, hanging is a bad way to go, and it is terrifyingly painful in my opinion. I've both attempted with a belt noose, and aborted another attempt wearing a hangman's rope noose. That's given me a taste of how painful dying can feel, at least going that way. Only methods I could do nowadays are ones that are relatively instant, and don't appear as terrifying or intimidating to the point where the survival instinct kicks in. That in itself is another huge deterrant that forces me to continue living, at least for now.

 

[Into The Wild]

Thanks for all your honest responses! It seems many of you have some good support in your personal lives etc. My family are all so busy or convinced that I've got to do what they did. That is awful. I have something I want to achieve which keeps me going, but apart from that...given what happened & how it changed my view of life completely and irreversibly...I have nothing else.

"I'm so sad I can't ctb just now, I feel so trapped and in so much pain. I had a girlfriend that was my main reason to stay but she left me too. There is nothing really left for me"-PeacePlease (for some reason quotes/replies are not working)
-------I'm sorry you experienced this too...I would never wish this on my worst enemy. I too had one golden reason to still hang about, but she left me as well...I made one (big big) error (not cheating, it was about not supporting a decision she made) and paid the price. I'm trying to fix things for myself, but deep down I know I can NEVER look at life in the same way after she left.

For some there is that one thing keeping you here and I hope that thing stays nice for you as long as you can muster. I'm not saying don't CTB at all...just try to enjoy what time you CHOOSE to have left. That is what I try to do, but I am under massive pressure and I don't know how long I can withstand it.

 

[Jean Améry]

Feel free to write whatever you want and feel. It's good to get it off your chest and you're anonymous so it really doesn't matter what people think.

I'm still here because a) I haven't got the means yet and b) I haven't exhausted my options to solve the problems I have and live a life that is actually worth living. I need time to prepare everything properly and untill I rationally decided there is no reasonable alternative to CTB I won't do it. I'm not going to rush my one and only death so to speak.

I feel I owe it to those I care about to give life every fair chance, even if it just prolongs my suffering and even if they will never know what I did for them.

 

[Roberto]

I also have lost a girlfriend 3 years ago, or so. Time passes by without noticing it. I told myself to never try again. I don't have energies or money to maintain a relation. I'm just waiting ...
My reason to live are my cats. I don't know nobody to leave them without creating anxiety to them and being sure they will be ok.
I don't see family, friends. It's been about 7 years or so, since anyone came to visited me. I saw my father 3 years ago, or so. My brother about 8 years ago. My mother I talked to her about ... I can't remember ... more than 10 years. So I can go without worry about other people. They just expect this to happen one day.

 

[VikingWinger]

I mostly go on out of the guilt I'm afraid to leave my mother, as to why I'm planning a long journey where I'll off myself somewhere I know I won't be found. Rather go missing and become a mystery and announced dead than my mother and my good friends knowing. So every time I meet with them I treat them as good as I can as. Sort of like lots of goodbyes that they not know are goodbyes, until I finally go. Don't think I can hold it out until my mother is dead, and it sickens me, but ultimately it is my life.

 

[DeepMind]

For me it's family. I can't do this to them. The suffering is really high for me but since I have a valid exit strategy, I feel relief to some degree and can go on a little more.

 

[Into The Wild]

I also have lost a girlfriend 3 years ago, or so. Time passes by without noticing it. I told myself to never try again. I don't have energies or money to maintain a relation. I'm just waiting ...
My reason to live are my cats

My god. You sound exactly like me. Time passes since she left and I barely notice. I have forgotten what it was like to feel okay with myself. I do not bother to keep track of the days. All I have is my guilt/sadness over her leaving and my goal that I hope I can achieve to right all of this.

Without my big ginger tom cat I don't know what company I would have that I can tolerate Pets are so wonderful; they do not judge & do not pressurise. I find people so difficult to handle and just shut myself off most of the time.

I mostly go on out of the guilt I'm afraid to leave my mother,

I agree. I couldn't do that to my parents, even though I half-blame them for the pressure I feel to be a big success. The other half is me. I don't think I can wait til they are gone either...but I haven't even made first steps. All I know is that if I don't succeed in my big goal at the moment I will want to start.

 

[KadathianStr1d3r]

Serious reasons to live: My close brother will be destroyed along with my family.
Dumb reasons to live: Cyberpunk 2077, computer games, anime, movies, art, basically media and wanting to find newer forms of media too.

 

[DepressionsAHo]

I find it hard to come to terms with the fact that I'll never be what I dreamed of being when I was young, and that the mediocrity that I've tried to escape all my life will settle on me no matter what.
this exactly is why. That is my answer to your question. I cannot do what I've always wanted too and I can't face life forever being a nobody. So I won't @RM5998 . It didn't quote your post so I'm making sure you get credit

Serious reasons to live: My close brother will be destroyed along with my family.
Dumb reasons to live: Cyberpunk 2077, computer games, anime, movies, art, basically media and wanting to find newer forms of media too.

You should check out "the last kingdom" on Netflix
That's a brilliant show. Very violent though

 

[Santiago]

Along with less serious reasons like games, shows, sports etc.. I keep going because:

1. I haven't lost all hope yet.
2. It's an ego thing. Should I really give up instead of keep fighting?
3. There are things I want to personally accomplish like finishing law school.
4. My father
5. I have been at this point before and I got out for a moment.

 

[Boonks]

Because my poison hasn't arrived yet.

 

[Into The Wild]

I find it hard to come to terms with the fact that I'll never be what I dreamed of being when I was young, and that the mediocrity that I've tried to escape all my life will settle on me no matter what.

This. This is so true for me too. In many many ways I wish I had never "aimed for the stars" as all it meant was a bigger crash down to earth when I realised what life is truly like: working bloody hard often for no reward and despite all the awful shite along the way.

It's an ego thing. Should I really give up instead of keep fighting?

I think this as well. I am trying so hard to get out of this.

In the end, I truly believe I'm good enough at what I want to do to be successful, but it is such a hard field to be successful in at all. I want to try. But then lot of things in my life have gone so badly that they seem too much to put up with for the case of a "maybe if I try hard enough" sort of thing...