Discussion What is making you hold onto life?

[MicropBaldCurrycel]

im not holding on ive mentally let go im just trying really hard to find a method which is so difficult with no money and no abilities with my hand.

 

[ConstantPain]

My family and especially my mom. She's in her 80's and I feel like once she's gone, ctb will be easier.
Also my cats and especially the feral one outside that is scared of anyone besides me.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

Fear of failure. They made suicide so difficult with so many legal, cultural,societal, social constraints . It's very difficult to find an isolated spot to commit suicide.

Furthermore they made it illegal for anyone to assist you in suicide. Because of social constraints almost everyone is believing that they have to stop you from comitting suicide even calling authorities if you even mention you want to kill yourself. Also si .

i fear my si could try to call or run for help. so i need to find an isolated spot where there are no humans around. Humans could "save" me and call an ambulance and then they'll resuscitate me with brain damage. my biggest fear is brain damage but this could happen naturally through a brain stroke, anuerysm , accident , old age dementia etc. This is very expensive for me to do travelling to find an isolated spot in some forest or something ,and such things.

These are just some constraints. So this is the trap "wonderful" "sacred" life has me in . have to kill myself to avoid stroke brain damage homelessness but then the ctb attemp might cause brain damage if interrupted by humans or my si . was using sarcasm in reality life is not wonderful life is pure hell imo.

 

[Forever Sleep]

For me, forcing myself to only and only think of the present. If my mind wanders an inch forward or backwards, I know I'm doomed - so I keep focusing on right now only.

How about you?

Have you read Eckhart Tolle 'The Power of Now' ? Very much about keeping yourself in the present. Remember it did help me briefly when I read it.

For me, creativity is my crutch. I'm a not massively successful freelancer and at the moment- I have work, so I'm in a relatively good place mentally- compared to when I don't have work!

I don't think I could ctb while my Dad is still alive. I think it would devastate him. But it's Art that gets me through life. Kind of precarious though because it's such an uncertain 'career'.

 

[HelpMeToday]

Have you read Eckhart Tolle 'The Power of Now' ? Very much about keeping yourself in the present. Remember it did help me briefly when I read it.

For me, creativity is my crutch. I'm a not massively successful freelancer and at the moment- I have work, so I'm in a relatively good place mentally- compared to when I don't have work!

I don't think I could ctb while my Dad is still alive. I think it would devastate him. But it's Art that gets me through life. Kind of precarious though because it's such an uncertain 'career'.

Yes, I've read that book several years ago! But more recently I've been into Marcus Aurealis' philosophical works and the teachings of Bhuddism which I have benefitted from.

As for Art being an uncertain career, regular people can get fired from their 'permanent' jobs too. Nothing is really certain...apart from taxes and death as they say!

Keep on keeping well and remember you have someone in me to talk to if life gets crazy.

 

[OnlyTheWind]

The faint hope that I will still get to meet my highschool crush.

 

[outrider567]

Nothing

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yes, I've read that book several years ago! But more recently I've been into Marcus Aurealis' philosophical works and the teachings of Bhuddism which I have benefitted from.

As for Art being an uncertain career, regular people can get fired from their 'permanent' jobs too. Nothing is really certain...apart from taxes and death as they say!

Keep on keeping well and remember you have someone in me to talk to if life gets crazy.

That's so kind and supportive of you. Thank you so much.

Yes, very true- I suppose even the most 'stable' of jobs aren't that stable anymore. Thank you- that made me feel better. Not that it makes me happy at the prospect of anyone losing their job! It's just a friendlier perspective that my choice maybe isn't so rash.

Think there is this pressure to get a 'normal' job you hate- like everyone else. I have been there for several years and honestly- it kind of terrifies me that the majority (probably) of people are stuck in that life. Makes it all the worse when you are suicidal- working a job you hate to fund a life you don't want.

Sounds interesting- your dive into philosophy and Bhuddhism. I do like to take the best bits out of all the different religions. I think they can be a source of strength and comfort. Unfortunate that they can also have a negative influence. Always liked the sound of Buddhism- sounds wise and introspective with all the meditation. I'm terribly naive on the subject though. Ought to find out more.

I wish you all the best too. Try and keep in the 'now' if you can- like Eckart Tolle says- 'It's all we have.' I can totally relate to floundering when you go either backwards or forwards. Reckon the majority of us must have shitty elements in our past to have brought us here. And, as is probably evident, I tend to catastrophise looking into the future. Do you do that too?

 

[Lost in a Dream]

Might be silly, but perhaps a fear of the unknown of what's on the other side.

I went from being a would-be Catholic afraid of hell, to now a gnostic of sorts, anxious of any possible unknown tortures over there in the ether/astral/what have you.

I don't believe that whoever or whatever is running the show has our best interests at heart, and if they are capable of controlling a planet filled with humans like the Sims, and projecting our reality onto us like a hologram, I highly doubt that suicide would offer any tangible escape from them, let alone from suffering at all.

I don't think your fear is silly at all. It's a completely rational fear to have since the things that may or may not be on the other side are a mystery until we get there. My personal belief is a form of Deism; that there's an intelligent creator that brought the universe into existence, but it's either apathetic about us, or it's sadistic.

The best I can hope for, is that when I work up the courage to get out of here, my brain shuts down and that's the end. The fear of not knowing is part of what keeps me here as well.

 

[BigPP]

My mother has a long history of blaming herself for things that were not her fault, and out of her control. I know if I ctb she will blame herself, and she's had a pretty horrible life (surprised she hasn't ctb herself) and I really couldn't do that to her. Kinda messed up though cause now I feel like I'm just waiting for my mom to die so I can finally get out of here.

 

[HelpMeToday]

That's so kind and supportive of you. Thank you so much.

Yes, very true- I suppose even the most 'stable' of jobs aren't that stable anymore. Thank you- that made me feel better. Not that it makes me happy at the prospect of anyone losing their job! It's just a friendlier perspective that my choice maybe isn't so rash.

Think there is this pressure to get a 'normal' job you hate- like everyone else. I have been there for several years and honestly- it kind of terrifies me that the majority (probably) of people are stuck in that life. Makes it all the worse when you are suicidal- working a job you hate to fund a life you don't want.

Sounds interesting- your dive into philosophy and Bhuddhism. I do like to take the best bits out of all the different religions. I think they can be a source of strength and comfort. Unfortunate that they can also have a negative influence. Always liked the sound of Buddhism- sounds wise and introspective with all the meditation. I'm terribly naive on the subject though. Ought to find out more.

I wish you all the best too. Try and keep in the 'now' if you can- like Eckart Tolle says- 'It's all we have.' I can totally relate to floundering when you go either backwards or forwards. Reckon the majority of us must have shitty elements in our past to have brought us here. And, as is probably evident, I tend to catastrophise looking into the future. Do you do that too?

No problem.

I catastrophise more about my past than I do about my future. The future is yet to happen, but the past has already happened, so I have all the bundled memories knotted up in my psyche to torture myself with if I so wished! Haha.

Look into Bhuddism and take from it only that will help you. All religions have that negative side of 'Fire, Hell, and Demons', but I try to really focus on the practical solutions they offer.

 

[Tysiiaczeq]

A lack of options. Not exactly easy to ctb :/ sad days

 

[may13]

Nothing.

There is nothing left to hold on to.

 

[Eternal🌈Rainbow]

In terms of hope, what's making me hold onto life? Making me "want" to live?

Only the tiniest possibility that my guardian angel is coming back.
That things may be as they were last year 2021. That he saves me because no one else can, not even myself. And then with his help, I can try and fix my life on my own.


In terms of practicality, what's stopping me from killing myself already?

My little parrot who will be devastated, jailed, unloved and neglected; my method not being ready yet; my small family and group of friends who will be devastated too; my fear of death and afterlife.

 

[DreamingOfAutumn]

Fear I suppose, although not of death. It's fear that I might fuck up suicide through my incompetence and end up a vegetable. Although I know it's probably not fully rational. Most likely I obliterate my brainstem if not blow my skull to pieces. Even if my some miracle I botch it enough to not die immediately, there is little chance of anyone finding me in the forest quickly enough for it to matter, much less for them to get emergency services to me.

 

[nightnightnitrite]

My baby! :D

 

[Endex]

I am 60 years old. But my dad and mom are still alive. I don' t want to make them cry. Also I have an old dog. If I can, I will wait until they cross the rainbow bridge first and I will follow them ...

Really admire you putting your parents and your elderly Dog before yourself, I hope you can wait, and nicely written saying crossing the rainbow bridge, haven't come across that saying before.
I'm in a similar position with an elderly parent and elderly Dog. All the best.

 

[soon06132022]

I am not planning on holding onto life much longer. I just have to finish writing letters to people that I care about, and plan what I would like my last day to be like.

 

[Shivali]

Ich bewundere wirklich, dass Sie Ihre Eltern und Ihren älteren Hund vor sich stellen, ich hoffe, Sie können warten, und ein schön geschriebener Spruch, der über die Regenbogenbrücke geht, ist diesem Spruch noch nie begegnet.
Ich bin in einer ähnlichen Situation mit einem älteren Elternteil und einem älteren Hund. Alles Gute.

All the best for you too

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

Fear I suppose, although not of death. It's fear that I might fuck up suicide through my incompetence and end up a vegetable. Although I know it's probably not fully rational. Most likely I obliterate my brainstem if not blow my skull to pieces. Even if my some miracle I botch it enough to not die immediately, there is little chance of anyone finding me in the forest quickly enough for it to matter, much less for them to get emergency services to me.

I've tried looking for camping in the USA . Every camp i went to there were humans. How do you find an isolated forest where you can drive up park and then there are no humans there as far as the eye can see? or at least an area to drive to and then walk where there are no humans. i can't walk too far maybe a mile as i am disabled.

 

[brand666]

my family , and fake hopes im living for . :/ .

 

[DreamingOfAutumn]

I've tried looking for camping in the USA . Every camp i went to there were humans. How do you find an isolated forest where you can drive up park and then there are no humans there as far as the eye can see? or at least an area to drive to and then walk where there are no humans. i can't walk too far maybe a mile as i am disabled.

It helps to know the area, but honestly it isn't exactly easy. I've found that many forest roads are closed to public traffic, however I don't want to say the area that I'm thinking of specifically. But to give a general idea, I was looking for an isolated forest road in which there would be a spot for me to park which shouldn't arouse suspicion, but which also wouldn't have many people around, if any at all. At least few enough people that I could easily find the time to walk into the forest without being seen.

One thing to keep in mind is that it doesn't have to be an extremely isolated area, just isolated enough that someone would have to walk for a few minutes into a forest which they'd have otherwise no reason to do so in order to find me. Even if a few others within a 1-2 mile radius hear a gunshot, and even if at least one of them decides to walk into a forest with no trail in order to investigate it, it would take at around an hour before any sort of emergency services could reach me given the circumstances. However that would be quite unlikely anyway, it's more probable that I wouldn't be found for hours, if not a day. So with the location and method (12 gauge buckshot aimed at my brainstem from the inside of my mouth) being taken into consideration, I'd say that if I actually do this I'd have a close to zero survival chance. The location is more to spare anybody from having to clean up my mess anyway, as I think it's also pretty unlikely for me to botch it to the extent that medical aid being nearby would matter.

 

[Zzzzz]

SI ,fear of failure.not having a good method available also. I just know I 100% don't want to be alive anymore.

 

[hopelessdreams]

that little hope that i can still make something of my life..

 

[Anonymus]

Fear and above all love for a specific person. But it will not be enough for a few years from now, because the same fear of dying shares space with the fear of living, in a sad balance. I know that the fear of living will impose itself sooner rather than later and then I will only have the emotional bond left (but it seems to me that just today I've killed it... I don't know yet).
//
La por i sobretot l'estima a una persona en concret. Però no serà prou per d'aquí uns anys, perquè la mateixa por a morir comparteix espai amb la por a viure, en un trist equilibri. Se que la por a viure s'imposarà abans que tard i llavors només em quedarà el lligam emocional (però em sembla que precisament avuí me l'he carregat... no ho se encara).

 

[Graham]

This world is crazy, I'm 3 times younger than you yet we are all on the same boat. Different countries, another age but similar feelings

True

 

[BEATNGU]

This one tries to keep the boy's destructive path to self loathing at a minimum. Usually this one reminds him of the family he once had and how they would feel if forced to bear witness. Last of kin is the burden he carries just a little further.

 

[Hurt]

I try to focus on present. Working helps a lot. Also MINDFULNESS. I try not to think about my past or what could/should I have done because what is done is done. And I try not to torture myself about my future although sometimes it's inevitable I have a lot of anxiety. It's difficult and I feel suicidal everyday but the best thing that I can do is not to think about past or future, only present.

 

[waiting4thenextbus]

For me, it's the fear of failing my attempt and the possibility of things being so much worse after failure.

 

[Painless_end]

The realisation that dying is much more difficult than I thought physically and mentally