Venting What if suicide ia not possible for me?

[rs929]

I want to CTB, I fantasize about it all the time.However, I've come across the realization that it is possible that I would never be able to actually do it. What if actually I have no other choice but to endure and somehow resign myself to this life because I'll never be able to do it?
I remember going to the roof of my building and look over the fence. The GUTS you need to actually jump are outrageous. For SN not only you need guts to drink it, but also resist the desperation of your SI kicking in afterwards and possibly hurting/suffocating for 30 min.
I think I would be able to pull it through with N. But sadly it is not available.
So all in all I think that suicide is more a fantasy than a real possibility for me. That means there's no way out but suffering probably the rest of my life. This is hell in life. Unless I can somehow live with my depression and have an unhappy miserable life but at least not in pain all the time. Sorry for the rant. I would like to hear from others that think they won't be actually going through it and how they're coping with life

 

[pathetic failure]

I feel the same I can't imagine myself doing it.I am too scared to end up disabled.Especially with the inert gas method I have quite some time before I pass out so I may panic and abort.I can't imagine doing it but I also can't imagine living.

I think having everything prepared and knowing there is a way out may help me go through life.And when it gets bad enough the option is there

 

[LunarEc]

I'm like you, I can only go out with N. I've been saving up for a bit of time and if I get scammed I'll just try out a different market or a different vendor until I actually get it.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand finding it painful to exist, I also just wish to be gone, I wish there's the option to simply just cease existing in peace and never suffer ever again, all I wish for is to fall into an eternal dreamless sleep, I find it so cruel how I cannot just have that. But anyway I wish you the best.