What if I want to live?

[cherry7]

Part of me doesn't really want to die but the part of me that does is much stronger. So even if I choose to live it's a life of thinking about dying every moment of every day. I can't really get fully on board with wanting to live. But part of me wants to (get on board). I'm also afraid to live. In other words, what if i want to live again but can't convince myself to. It used to be difficult to get myself on board to CTB, now it's the opposite. I'm scared. How do I do it?

 

[FitsTime]

What are the real problems that you're facing? Why do you want to die?

 

[Worndown]

This is tbe place to ask and discuss the difficult issues. Live or die, you are not alone.

 

[SomewhatLoved]

I feel like I'm in the same situation as you.

Part of me wants to try to move on from what's bothering me and keep going, but I feel like that's what I've been doing all my life and things just seem to be getting worse and worse. My earliest memory of contemplating suicide was at 9 years old, and I'm now 19. I've felt this way for at least 10 years, but probably longer. I honestly feel sort of naive for wanting to keep going. Everything I do in my day-to-day life from studying to work doesn't really feel impassioned and just like a way of me trying to keep myself afloat and prevent homelessness, poverty, unemployment, or whatever other thing that's a result of not working and studying in this world.

 

[cherry7]

I feel like I'm in the same situation as you.

Part of me wants to try to move on from what's bothering me and keep going, but I feel like that's what I've been doing all my life and things just seem to be getting worse and worse. My earliest memory of contemplating suicide was at 9 years old, and I'm now 19. I've felt this way for at least 10 years, but probably longer. I honestly feel sort of naive for wanting to keep going. Everything I do in my day-to-day life from studying to work doesn't really feel impassioned and just like a way of me trying to keep myself afloat and prevent homelessness, poverty, unemployment, or whatever other thing that's a result of not working and studying in this world.

Can I say something crazy? Feeling that way so young makes me think it's a pain that's carried from another lifetime or from ancestry that got passed down/in. I wonder if that's the same for me. This deep desire to die.

But crazy ideas aside, yes, it's so painful. I'm just curious, have you ever sought any kind of outside help to feel better?

This is tbe place to ask and discuss the difficult issues. Live or die, you are not alone.

Thank you!

What are the real problems that you're facing? Why do you want to die?

Worndown just answered your question for me. I'm worn down. To the bone.

 

[AbandonedApe]

Choosing to live is a temporary decision, choosing to die is a permanent one, so maybe start with thinking about some immediate changes you could make to your life to see if anything will improve. Finding a new hobby, making new friends, cutting out a bad habit, seeking therapy or even just a support group like in the recovery forum. Make some small changes and track the trajectory of your life from that point forward, is it improving or getting worse? If it's improving you can keep at it, always reserving the possibility to CTB for tomorrow or another day.

If you see no improvement or things get worse, then this will likely strengthen your resolve to CTB and help remove last minute doubts. Essentially: try until you've exhausted trying first so you know whatever decision you make is the right one for you.

I feel similar to you and I want to try, I want to give life another chance, but right now it all very much boils down to how the events of this week unfold since I am faced with a terrifying situation that I don't want to be here for if it happens. If that situation doesn't come to pass, I am going to try to give life at least one last try, so that I'll be certain if I do want to ultimately die or not. If that makes sense.

 

[SomewhatLoved]

Can I say something crazy? Feeling that way so young makes me think it's a pain that's carried from another lifetime or from ancestry that got passed down/in. I wonder if that's the same for me. This deep desire to die.

Both my parents and my brother also have mental health issues. I think this is definitely beyond just me and is a part of my heritage. When I look at people the age I was when I started having those thoughts, if feels impossible to imagine them being suicidal. I don't think it's normal for children to feel that way, lol. As a "grown up" children seem so innocent to me. Even as a suicidal kid, I still feel like the world seemed so much more vibrant and hopeful than it does now.

I'm just curious, have you ever sought any kind of outside help to feel better?

I was in therapy for a while as a kid and later did family therapy with my brother and mom. I don't think it's really helped. My opinion is that it's probably a lot more helpful for people who developed anxiety or depression later in life, but for people like me with "hereditary" depression, I think it's something that is just kind of always there, as emo and sad as that might sound lol.

I'm worn down. To the bone.

That's how I feel too. I feel like everyday I've been getting up and trying to improve, but it just never seems to get better. People tell me I seem so professional and well put-together and I'm really trying to make myself a happy life but it just feels so difficult.

 

[cherry7]

Choosing to live is a temporary decision, choosing to die is a permanent one, so maybe start with thinking about some immediate changes you could make to your life to see if anything will improve. Finding a new hobby, making new friends, cutting out a bad habit, seeking therapy or even just a support group like in the recovery forum. Make some small changes and track the trajectory of your life from that point forward, is it improving or getting worse? If it's improving you can keep at it, always reserving the possibility to CTB for tomorrow or another day.

If you see no improvement or things get worse, then this will likely strengthen your resolve to CTB and help remove last minute doubts. Essentially: try until you've exhausted trying first so you know whatever decision you make is the right one for you.

I feel similar to you and I want to try, I want to give life another chance, but right now it all very much boils down to how the events of this week unfold since I am faced with a terrifying situation that I don't want to be here for if it happens. If that situation doesn't come to pass, I am going to try to give life at least one last try, so that I'll be certain if I do want to ultimately die or not. If that makes sense.

Makes very much sense. I relate. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I really appreciate them. Waiting until my resolve is strengthened either way. Good way to see it. Thank you!

Both my parents and my brother also have mental health issues. I think this is definitely beyond just me and is a part of my heritage. When I look at people the age I was when I started having those thoughts, if feels impossible to imagine them being suicidal. I don't think it's normal for children to feel that way, lol. As a "grown up" children seem so innocent to me. Even as a suicidal kid, I still feel like the world seemed so much more vibrant and hopeful than it does now.


I was in therapy for a while as a kid and later did family therapy with my brother and mom. I don't think it's really helped. My opinion is that it's probably a lot more helpful for people who developed anxiety or depression later in life, but for people like me with "hereditary" depression, I think it's something that is just kind of always there, as emo and sad as that might sound lol.


That's how I feel too. I feel like everyday I've been getting up and trying to improve, but it just never seems to get better. People tell me I seem so professional and well put-together and I'm really trying to make myself a happy life but it just feels so difficult.

Does it help at all to think it doesn't all belong to you? That you got it from your family? Or does it make no difference at all?

Ah so you're saying because it goes much deeper for you it's not helpful. You might need a much deeper healing approach then. They're out there.

I feel sad for you. Yes, that's how I feel too. It just wears you down after a while and then you don't have anymore in you to go on. I relate.

 

[wait.what]

There's a line in a song by X: "stop the world, I wanna get back on." I'm happy for you that life is looking more appealing. I hope this means you're feeling somewhat better than before.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I can relate. I don't want to die - I'd prefer to live but my circumstances make me suicidal bc my future life doesn't look bright and since years I'm only rotting at home. In my case I know what makes me suicidal but I can't change it. What makes you suicidal? Can you change it? That only works when external factors play a role, if it's "genetics" (you mentioned family has MH issues) then it's a lot more difficult.

 

[MyChoiceAlone]

nobody i should hope on this site will convince you to take your life. that is your decision and yours alone.

 

[cherry7]

There's a line in a song by X: "stop the world, I wanna get back on." I'm happy for you that life is looking more appealing. I hope this means you're feeling somewhat better than before.

Ooh great line for this! Thank you :)