What I wrote last night

[cetacea]

I sobbed for about 5 hours last night. I wrote something down as I fell asleep. Here is what I wrote.
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I dont think I am meant for socialization, Maybe I never was. Im toxic and aggressive and thats why I cant keep friends. It doesnt help Im also anxious and avoidant.

People feel sorry for you if youre a perfect anxious victim but if you really are aggressive then you deserve all the pain.

I embarrass the people Im with. They hate talking to me. I have lost several friends due to my mental illness, especially very close ones who knew intimately how I felt. Unfortunately this seems like the inevitable conclusion of every close relationship I have. I have no friends. I cant make friends. Even if I had friends Id lose them within a year because Im unstable.

Im also not a very good friend, I dont talk to people enough and when I do I talk about myself too much. I am so hostile that people are scared to say things that will make me hate them, when I am also scared of making them hate me.

I do my best but my best isnt good enough and I am really sad. I hate myself so much. The small amount of self esteem I had built up was completely crushed. It just reinforces things I already knew but in the worst way, as it confirms that people growing to hate me as theyre around me also extends to my family.

 

[Ironborn]

Social anxiety is a special kind of hell most people will never understand.
I've worn a mask everyday of my life, the few people I ever did consider friends never knew the true me.
Hell been keeping it up for so long not even sure who I am anymore.
You're not alone.

 

[cetacea]

Social anxiety is a special kind of hell most people will never understand.
I've worn a mask everyday of my life, the few people I ever did consider friends never knew the true me.
Hell been keeping it up for so long not even sure who I am anymore.
You're not alone.

People who learn the true me don't tend to like me, and I don't like it either. I try really hard but slipping up tends to end things. Everyone else gets excuses, even my father, but I never do. Go figure. You aren't alone either. Sorry you're in this too.

 

[Ironborn]

People who learn the true me don't tend to like me, and I don't like it either. I try really hard but slipping up tends to end things. Everyone else gets excuses, even my father, but I never do. Go figure. You aren't alone either. Sorry you're in this too.

I get you, it's why I've always tended to isolate myself, it's just easier not to deal with people.