My life has been pretty well off. At least money wise, I have enough to spend and I am satisfied. I recently got a job with really really good pay. But I can't see what's the meaning of all these.
I don't feel happy even if I try, even if I want. I don't know what to do since I see the end of things are meaningless to me. I have been actively engaging with people in past five years to improve my situation. However, the emptiness only got stronger. It is suffocating and I cannot find a way out.
Getting more money means nothing to me, getting involve with more people means nothing to me. I feel empty all the same. I don't know how others think but I am not able to build a meaningful connection or an anchor in this world or make me think life is worth living. Others said they cared about me but I didn't feel anything. Others said our encounters were meaningful but I didn't feel anything. Because I would end up at the same point here and now with or without those encounters. I am really just that terrible of a person. For me, every day is boring, scary and painful.
People told me that life doesn't have to have meaning, you can just live pass by it. But I could not accept this idea. It makes me want to puke. Because there would not be difference if I decide to just end things now or pass-by. I just feel so empty and unfulfilled all the time, simply live pass by is suffering to me. Ending things early actually make me feel less painful. I envy people who can be content and happy. I envy people who can see into the future positively. I envy people who can simply live their days. But that's not me.
I think this is not anyone's fault, not the world's fault. This is simply how I was made, my fate. And it is what it is. There is no excuse to blame anything or anyone. People in significantly worse situation have conquered their fates and achieved way more. It would be pathetic of me to push the blame to others or the world.
I wish I am not myself. I don't mean something like "change or improve myself". I mean I should fundamentally not be myself. It goes so deep that simply changing, improving my body or social skills or financially situations is not enough. I am hollow and uninteractable. You can't fill me up with anything since my soul can't interact with anything. They just pass through me. This left me a sad, empty, angry and disgusted feeling. Sometimes, I just feel like throwing up.
Just saying. Instead of how others wish for a permanent nonexistence after they die due the exhaustion, I wish more for a redo, a second chance, in a different world, as someone else, not like the current me who has turned completely hollow. So that I could live in a purposeful life. Live properly and die properly. Honestly, sometimes I think I am just a completely despicable hypocrite for wishing like this.
This is just my rant. I just want to share my thought. Is this also what you wish for? Or nothingness is what you wish for?
I don't feel happy even if I try, even if I want. I don't know what to do since I see the end of things are meaningless to me. I have been actively engaging with people in past five years to improve my situation. However, the emptiness only got stronger. It is suffocating and I cannot find a way out.
Getting more money means nothing to me, getting involve with more people means nothing to me. I feel empty all the same. I don't know how others think but I am not able to build a meaningful connection or an anchor in this world or make me think life is worth living. Others said they cared about me but I didn't feel anything. Others said our encounters were meaningful but I didn't feel anything. Because I would end up at the same point here and now with or without those encounters. I am really just that terrible of a person. For me, every day is boring, scary and painful.
People told me that life doesn't have to have meaning, you can just live pass by it. But I could not accept this idea. It makes me want to puke. Because there would not be difference if I decide to just end things now or pass-by. I just feel so empty and unfulfilled all the time, simply live pass by is suffering to me. Ending things early actually make me feel less painful. I envy people who can be content and happy. I envy people who can see into the future positively. I envy people who can simply live their days. But that's not me.
I think this is not anyone's fault, not the world's fault. This is simply how I was made, my fate. And it is what it is. There is no excuse to blame anything or anyone. People in significantly worse situation have conquered their fates and achieved way more. It would be pathetic of me to push the blame to others or the world.
I wish I am not myself. I don't mean something like "change or improve myself". I mean I should fundamentally not be myself. It goes so deep that simply changing, improving my body or social skills or financially situations is not enough. I am hollow and uninteractable. You can't fill me up with anything since my soul can't interact with anything. They just pass through me. This left me a sad, empty, angry and disgusted feeling. Sometimes, I just feel like throwing up.
Just saying. Instead of how others wish for a permanent nonexistence after they die due the exhaustion, I wish more for a redo, a second chance, in a different world, as someone else, not like the current me who has turned completely hollow. So that I could live in a purposeful life. Live properly and die properly. Honestly, sometimes I think I am just a completely despicable hypocrite for wishing like this.
This is just my rant. I just want to share my thought. Is this also what you wish for? Or nothingness is what you wish for?
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