I hate how I used to be happy with most things (content) but now nothing really surprises me. I hate how I think '...this is all the same, different face, different accent, similar story, people, things we do, we're all so... samey'... I hate how I meet people who have joy and focus on what's around them and I just sit and feel unhappy cause of things that went wrong and how life doesn't feel inspiring anymore. I hate the monotony, I hate how I'll have a job at some point which is what I will do for decades until I retire... I hate that I'll be alone... I hate that I feel like this... I hate this about myself... I hate that I haven't met the right person... I hate that I'm not very interested anymore... I hate that I'm critical to people but insist it's needed to get a job done really well (I should just let them be happy in their swelling self contentedness)... I hate how I made the wrong decisions when I was 20, specifically with an EX, I hate that I was stupid and didn't know what to do... I hate that I was ignorant... I hate that I was helpless... I hate that that's what I was...
These days, I hate that I don't feel passionate about anything... except maybe pizza... I hate that playing music and drinking and getting paid wasn't what life was all about for me with a partner with 3 children that weren't mine.... I hate that I have disengaged from my studies because I'm unhappy... I hate that I'm alone... I hate that I don't feel inspiration anymore... I hate myself the most for not being able to just be happy but the thing is... along the way... some things make you happy, but the package is wrong (the person you doing it with might be narcissistic or have low self-esteem and ignore you)... I hate that I can't ignore others and just do what I want to be happy... I hate myself for not being able to control it all... I hate myself for not having a partner who understands me and loves me for me... I hate that I don't know what's loveable about me...
I have hate. And some kind of non-existential existence to find out if I can change these things by thinking about them for what will feel like an eternity in my mind where nothing seems to materialise, except thoughts.... I don't know how long it will take...
Good question. Thanks for the thread... I learnt some things here.
PEACE, BIG UP, ONE LOVE (and whatever fucking else toots your fancy) XX