Discussion What do you do when you don't want to live, but at the same time, you don't know how to die and you're scared of death itself too?

[HortEr162]

I've been living in some kind of limbo because of this. My life is shit right now and I don't think I can continue. I fucking can't, I just want to stop suffering.

I attempted suicide on December of last year. I was gonna hang myself. I investigated about it, I had the rope, everything. The day I attempted my parents were out of town and wouldn't be back until late evening. It was the perfect opportunity. I did everything, and when I was gonna do it I just fucking couldn't. I got a panic attack and couldn't continue.
I also started wondering, what if the rope breaks? What if I didn't made the knot properly? What if my body moved somehow, and I end up on the floor? What if my parents arrive before expected? FUCK. There are too many posibilities and most probably I'll end up disabled if any of them happen.

While I panicked, time went by, evening arrived, and I had to hide everything before my parents arrived.

I then started investigating other methods and stuff, but all of them have some chance of survival and of course, the posibility of ending up like a vegetable the rest of your life. Of course, any of you would say something like: "just do it correctly and most probably you'll succeed", but still, WHAT IF?? The posibility is always there, and it scares me.

The only method of suicide that is fully guaranteed to work is euthanasia. But of course, it's very difficult to get assisted suicide. It's a long process that requires a lot of time and also, money. And even so, your petition can be denied. So I guess luck is also involved.

But even if I had access to euthanasia right now, I'm not sure if I'd do it. Death itself scares me. What will happen after? It's just a black void, or was heaven and hell real? No one fucking knows.

This feeling is hell. I don't know what to do. Does anyone have an answer?

 

[Crow_88]

I think a lot of us get stuck in this point. I had a failed attempt this summer and I've been gun shy ever since. And it's placed me in the same terrible situation where I don't want to live but I'm too freaked out to go through with it. I actually had a stroke as well in early summer. That should have taken me out but I recovered fully. It's all like some kind of tease. Anyways, I definitely know the frustration and confusion you are going through. Right there with you!

 

[beardyoldcorpse]

Yeah…no one knows for sure what dying will actually feel like and what if anything will follow.
The one sure thing is that eventually we are all going to find out…..one way or another!
I am 70 years old.., lost my wife to cancer and watch3d her die a miserable death despite the efforts of the hospice staff.
I am now alone and frightened as to what future illness may leave me disabled and unable to carry out my plans to depart in a hopefully peaceful painlesss way as possible.
When the time comes I will try to remember my wife's suffering and shamefully take the easy way out.

 

[SchrodingerIsDed]

This is why sn is so good, imo. Even if you fail, odds are high that you won't have lasting damage. Even if it's an 80% chance rather than the like whatever it is 90% of hanging.

Death scares me too. I think it scares most people. That's the natural SI reaction. Our bodies want to live no matter what. That's why benzos are helpful. But also for me benzos make me not care about stuff but they also kinda solve my base issue and then make me feel like I don't have to ctb, which kinda defeats the purpose. But doing it right before an attempt would probably be good even with something like hanging.

The answer. Ahhh yes. The answers. Who the hell knows. I usually pride myself on having a lot of answers. But shit is complicated. The truth is it's a risk. You have to accept the risk of failure. I am picking methods and mixing methods to hopefully up my chances with sn + sa + hanging. Or potentially my gun but I worry about missing the right place. Jumping is also a guarantee if you go high enough, but I just can't bring myself to face that one. I don't want to jump then change my mind mid-air. I don't want my last thoughts to be terror.

Oh. I still need to find the damn video, but there's a suspension vidoe on youtube experiementing on it. The Jakarta Indoenesia girl who accidentally hung herself was just experimenting it looked like and she kinda had the knot secured and leaned forward. She was fine, but when she stood back up she lost consciousness and accidentally hung herself. If I go hanging route, that would be my bet. Lean forward for like 10-15 seconds, then stand back up. No biggie, then you just lose consciousness, go limp, and the rope does the rest.

 

[NoHorizon]

I'm not afraid of death, but I am afraid of dying. I just don't want to suffer and its impossible to know if you will until you do it. Even scarier is the chance of surviving and make my life worse.

In response to your question, when you don't want to live but are too afraid to kill yourself, all you do is exist. It's not life to me. Just existence.

 

[Mooncry]

I do fear death, as I think most people do in at least some regard. But truthfully, my biggest hangup is the possibility of survival and my life becoming exponentially worse after. I'm still gonna go through with it, but fuck, is it terrifying to think that I may just wake up in a hospital and with everyone I love disappointed in me and then being forced to go to a mental institution against my will. That would be my version of hell.

It actually scares me so bad… It's enough to almost numb the fear of death itself.

 

[SchrodingerIsDed]

I do fear death, as I think most people do in at least some regard. But truthfully, my biggest hangup is the possibility of survival and my life becoming exponentially worse after. I'm still gonna go through with it, but fuck, is it terrifying to think that I may just wake up in a hospital and with everyone I love disappointed in me and then being forced to go to a mental institution against my will. That would be my version of hell.

It actually scares me so bad… It's enough to almost numb the fear of death itself.

It's lovely that you don't want to disappoint your loved ones. I'm lucky in a way not having any left, though it doesn't feel like it sometimes.

It's scary for sure. My biggest fear is going back to the mental ward. It was hellish being trapped like that.

 

[asphyxiangel]

this is my exact thought process too. trust i get it. too tired of living but too scared of failing to try to attempt.