Help What do you do when you built your life around something that is now killing you?

[RadioRamen]

I've been married for almost 6 years now and with my partner for 10+ years. But it's all fallen apart and I'm tired of feeling like I did something horrible to make it that way . Beginning of this year my wife told me she wanted a trial separation . My whole body felt like it was made of tv static when she dropped that on me , my stomach turned into knots for the rest of the day . When I worked up the nerve to talk to her about it and asked why she said because I was constantly forgetting things and wasn't seeking therapy even though my issues with depression and anxiety called for it . I understood where she was coming from and left a few days later . While gone I began to seek therapy again and have been at it for 2x a month for almost a year now . I was diagnosed with anxiety , depression and ADHD (something I knew I had when I was younger ) . I eventually had to come back because my living situation changed and I had no where else to go (was still paying my half of mortgage and bills when I was gone so felt I deserved to come back ) . When I came back I worked hard to listen and remember when I made mistakes and make sure they didn't happen again. But the whole time my wife's attitude to me never changed, she wanted nothing to do with me and wouldn't talk to me unless it was to complain about something I did . Today I hit a breaking point I asked her if she saw my keys and she said " no and that's not my concern " I sat there staring at her wondering why she had to had that uneeded jab at the end . At that point I no longer felt like trying to make this work , no longer giving up things that gave me joy or peace (I had a med card for weed and she wanted me to stop so I did) but now without weed nights have become so much worse for me being alone in the basement where I have to sleep and feeling like a guest in my own home . I know if I renewed my card and began smoking again she would go ballistic , but I'm wondering why should I care , at this point I don't see anything else but divorce even though financially neither of us could survive it easily or comfortably for sometime . Ever jab form her just makes me spiral feeling like I'm not good enough and I'm a shitty person , and the thoughts of CTB grow stronger because of it . My son being the only reason I haven't at this point . I'm tired of feeling like a failure I'm tired of just trying . How do you live in a life you made for yourself when that life makes you no longer want to live ?

 

[RadioRamen]

A couple months later and I'm back here , same feelings being stuck in a mindset of there is no happy ending for this and it will only get worse or harder to move on . Why do I have to care and why is my only tether for not CTB because of someone else . At what point does living for someone else not going to be enough for me.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

I wish I had a good answer or solution to your marriage problems but I'm at a total loss. I've never been married myself and to be honest I'm glad I never was. It seems to me like you've done everything your wife wanted you to do, and it still isn't enough for some reason. Seems to me like she's a manipulative, psychopathic bitch. If she was a genuinely good person, she would acknowledge the work you've put into doing better AND would try to do the same herself, since it seems she expects you to do all the work while she does nothing but bitch.