Discussion What caused you to first seriously consider suicide as an option?

[everydaythesame]

Shit childhood, never shown affection or told i was loved. Two younger siblings came along and from that point i just felt in the way. The physical abuse i received from my father has really started to affect me in the last couple of years.

 

[juna]

Life feels like a prison. I have been tired of living ever since I was a kid. I don't know why but I don't see a point in life. What's the point! If I am always sad, then why should I live and suffer.

 

[cherryblossom]

Childhood trauma, emotional neglect and growing up being hypersensitive and having anxiety, very low self esteem and people pleasing tendencies, one of the first suicidal ideations I remember was after feeling very overwhelmed at how cruel people and the world can be, and feeling like I don't belong here, that I'm too nice for this and I would rather not be here anymore, my empathy and sensitivity used to hurt me a lot but I since then did my best to heal and had learned how to live with them and see the beauty in them. That it's actually a gift to this world, and a light for people when things get dark.

But my first episode where my suicidality felt very very real and intense, even though it was still passive at the time, is last year when I left religion (Islam) after realizing it's a man made fantasy, I found myself in an alien world where everything I used to lean on was not there anymore, I saw my whole world crumbling down in front of me, I had always leaned on God, I used to feel very close to him all the time and found comfort in my religion, so realizing it was only a lie was so traumatic, I felt like nothing was worth it anymore and went through an existential crisis. My parents didn't allow me to take off hijab as well which made me feel even more trapped and distressed, they even got physically abusive because of it and threatened to kill me at one instance, I used to imagine myself jumping from our house roof and end my misery once and for all, I felt like such a burden and a source of suffering for my parents that I wished I wasn't even born in the first place so that I wouldn't bring them that much shame and pain, but despite feeling suicidal I always knew deep down that I wanted to keep fighting to live the life I deserve one day, I knew there was so much more to life to be lived and discovered, I already felt robbed and I didn't want to just give in and give up, even though everything was horrible I somehow kept telling myself that there was hope, I also always thought of my little brother that I couldn't bear the thought of hurting, traumatizing him and screwing him up for the rest of his life. It took a lot of courage and strength to be where I am today, I still have bad days but overall I'm better, I don't think I'm suicidal anymore, I take life day by day and try not to think of suicide as an option but I try to heal and find solutions and make the most of my situation, I take off hijab when I'm outside and I lean on my friends and the people that support me as much as I can.

Sorry for the long post that became more of a vent, I hope someone can resonate with it and maybe relate and have some hope.

 

[FallenGrace]

When everything felt so repetitive that i started to belive it was the only thing that could break the cycle.

 

[supremelimbo]

i tried when i was 10 bc i had been abused sexually by my private tutor for the past 2 years or so and my mum always took his side
got bullied and taken advantage of a lot too by my peers
i've also never had friends.. well i only have one online but im trying to sabotage it so he hates me and i cant ctb without the guilt of him missing me.
it's just been getting worse

 

[falling_snow]

very dumb reason. i just fought with a 'friend' and i had been feeling alone for a couple of years, so i concluded that im unlovable and not deserving of human empathy.

 

[Defenestration]

Severe social phobia...not a life

 

[DedCircut303]

I use to think of it as an option in the future for when my loved ones die, I'd kill myself after them because I would have nothing left. About a year or so ago, I started looking at it as a serious option for the present day because I'll never be anything, I'm a failure at life, and I'm never going to feel better. I'm 24 years old and I know that I'm going to feel like this for the rest of my life, and I can't do that.

 

[anopenwound]

Define "seriously". I've been thinking about it ever since I turned 11 and I started getting bulled, online and IRL. Ideation has been there all along. However I would say it go pretty bad when my abusive boyfriend broke up with me. I half-attempted for the first time there. I was 19. Life has been a complete nightmare ever since.

 

[IkaXo]

It was when I realize that I could simply not keep up with things, I'm not smart, at all. Since my early years to my current life I'm always the laughing stock for everyone, always the stupid one.

 

[BoredNTired]

Just randomly around 5th grade, I realized I should probably kill myself. Not for any real reason, just that I wasn't capable of being happy in this life. Didn't actually do anything with it besides ideation until 2 years later.

 

[SylveonFan]

Definitely during covid 2020 in November. I realized how alone I felt and done with my parents. Thats was my first attempt. Ive honestly had suicidal thoughts for a long time, but they became serious in 2020

 

[funeralcat]

My schizophrenia diagnosis and symptoms
Feeling hopeless
Trying to study something for having a better future and realizing it's hard af

 

[MrSuicide]

I've had a pretty shitty life and as a kid I did consider killing myself (and that probably started around 8) but not as something actually tangible, more like a dream or a wish. After my uncle killed himself I realized that it was actually possible, and everything spiraled from there.

 

[mars_b4rz]

My mental clarity has been on the decline for quite some time. It gets to the point where I have trouble differentiating between what's real and what's not. I've also begun losing hope which is pretty much the only reason I've kept going. Without the burning fire inside I don't really see how to keep on going?

 

[permanently tired]

I thought I got outed lol, elementary school kids are bullies smh

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

For me, it was wanting to die.

 

[OnlyOneSolution]

I am not a religious person but when I became a Christian and understood that I was going to heaven when I die...I was all in. I begged God to not let me see my 16th birthday. I have been fixated on death since I was 15. I never understood why. I just hate me, my life, and my very existence.

 

[mrpeter]

my life is boring and meaningless and i'm lonely

 

[canijo]

For me it just came to a point that it's impossible for me to imagine a personal realistic future where i'm fine with myself.

Yes, i've had suicidal thoughts most of my life. But also had some form of "hope", that one way or another, there was a future i'd be comfortable with.

But after too much failures, many non-return points, becoming isolated, it became obvious that i cannot achieve any of that, and i've been "locked out" any outcome i'd be fine living with.

So now im just waiting until my money burns out.

 

[OnlyOneSolution]

i tried when i was 10 bc i had been abused sexually by my private tutor for the past 2 years or so and my mum always took his side

That sucks having to endure that kind of abuse as a kid. I don't understand this whole sexual part of our existence. Why can't kids get to be kids and adults only look at adults?

 

[Sutter]

For me was always my heart. All the other life negatives I just fought against, need to move a mountain, no problem I will get a spoon. As I gave parts of my heart away I realized for me there was only a finite quantity. I had a few small attempts as my parts went out, in the end when I lost my biggest part I could feel my soul die, like I wanted a breath and could not take it.

 

[TAW122]

Probably as young as 11 or 12 due to shitty home life (authoritarian parents and such, not being allowed to have fun) and of course shitty school life (middle school). Of course, while I considered the option of CTB and understood CTB, I lacked the knowledge and means to execute it (most likely would have failed miserably as I lacked critical thinking, thorough planning, and such - until I was much older, almost 17-18, but even then I still had some issues with logistics and planning). I would like to thank SaSu and the general Internet for helping me with my research and finding out the information I need to be able to greatly increase my confidence and certainty in various methods. I would think had I attempted when I was younger, I likely would have failed and possibly caused permanent damage to myself (as a result of failing a method by not researching enough or poor execution or both even).

 

[nomoredolor]

I was 12 years old, already had lots of trauma, and I figured out that suicide was an option at all let alone for me. I probably knew people killed themselves from movies but I really didn't process what that meant until I was 12. Then I started to imagine how peaceful it would be. I instantly romanticized it - looking at google images about suicide on our family computer with dialup internet. I have wanted to die off and on, mostly on, since then. It's such an attractive solution to pain, suffering and poverty.

 

[Leiot]

Knowing that I was causing people I love pain and suffering and there was nothing I could do about it.

 

[Tuonetar_]

My first serious plans/attempt happened when I was around 18/19 years old, but I started experiencing suicidal thoughts much earlier than that. I remember being around 10 years old and wishing I could lie down and go to sleep forever, or turn invisible and never have to interact with anyone ever again, etc.

 

[futileflutters]

I can't remember a time before I started having suicidal thoughts. Hoping this 24th year will contain my final and successful attempt because I can't take this anymore.

 

[AuroraB]

my mom did it in 1991 but in 1976, when i was 14, i had an attempt that failed (1/2 bottle of booze w/100mg (ish, i don't remember exactly now) mg of valium and a 6 week hospitalization.
i was literally trying to get away from her.
and then in 1991, she freed me with her own suicide.

 

[nancyboy]

I've been suicidal since the third grade. I had so many people pretend to be my friend just to laugh at me because I acted "different." I don't even remember what I did to make them do that. But I remember one day I had enough after some girl called me crazy to my face mid talk and tried to gaslight me into thinking otherwise. Took a belt and tried strangling myself but of course that only got me so far. And throughout my 18 years in this world I've been treated the same by so many people. I suck at plans as all my attempts are impulsive and quickly followed by a crazy mood shift. But I genuienly can't stand living in a world where people treat others like I've been treated. Nothing truly gets better for the average Joe. And that's the case for me

 

[Surai]

For me it was during COVID and I felt alone. I was drifting away from my friends then and I felt so helpless. I transferred schools after that so I wrote poems about my suicidal ideations. Looking back, they were quite cringey but they encapsulated how alienated and defeated I felt.

I would write poems too goes to show that we need an outlet to express ourselves and it did ramp all the way up in covid the beginning of an end.