Discussion What caused you to first seriously consider suicide as an option?

[guineapiglover8503]

For me it was during COVID and I felt alone. I was drifting away from my friends then and I felt so helpless. I transferred schools after that so I wrote poems about my suicidal ideations. Looking back, they were quite cringey but they encapsulated how alienated and defeated I felt.

 

[StaircaseToMadness]

Probably my failure, I'm 21 in university but noticed I'm simply not smart enough to keep up.

Also I struggle a lot with loneliness and have never experienced a relationship or a place of belonging.

 

[Ineedthis18743]

Terrible childhood and no one I said anything too listened although it was other family members I told and not professionals which I regret now. I wish I'd told someone at school

 

[JustAnx]

disproportion between ageing and improvement

 

[LapseInTime]

Being depressed from a very young age, a broken life, treatment resistant depression, being Broke™, adhd, and most importantly, the fatigue. It's unbearable, it never goes away.

 

[soledad.virgen]

realizing the rest of my life will always just be 'this' and that it's practically over, and there's nothing good or happy to look forward to.

 

[fleetingnight]

Realizing I wasn't safe at home or in school/in public, and I probably never will be

And, it's hard to even try to express yourself, so it's better to try and write something "cringey" than not, imo.

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case I just don't find it desirable to suffer in this existence, human existence is a terrible tragedy to me, it's something I was never meant for that I'd never wish for. Personally I just want the peace of non-existence, I don't see any value in the futile and torturous burden that is human existence and it really terrifies me how it can continue for so long with no limit as to how much agony one can feel. I just don't have any interest in prolonging the suffering in this existence I never would have chosen just to end up tortured by extreme old age, I'd always prefer to not exist, all I hope for is to never exist again, I just wish to be permanently unconscious free from the cruelty and futility of suffering in this existence I always saw as so pointless.

 

[GalacticWarrior777]

Terrible childhood, no love since I was a child, my mental state was not taken care of, my trauma was not even considered, feeling of loneliness and fatigue, and the fact that everything is slowly fading away and Ill never get to catch onto anything in reality, as all is temporary.

 

[Hana68]

I have severe OCD and was crying every night to sleep and begging something to kill me, I was getting bullied heavily in a period of my school like going home full of injuries and cleaning my clothes and my parents were arguing every single day and stopped caring about me, I was distracting myself at school but was far from "ok" i had made several plans to kill myself or disappear but I knew that wouldn't succeed (disappearing) now I'm planning the SN method on January but I should finish some things first

 

[todestrieb333]

The fact that I'm completely alienated and isolated from society to the point that it has become irreversible. Not only that, but I live in a terrible country with terrible views about everything, and as always, it won't change. I feel like I'm stuck at the same cycle and there's no way at all for me to break the chain. That's why I want to kill myself. Even if things did change, I would not feel any difference because of my mental disorders. It's all downhill from here.

 

[derpyderpins]

I didn't want to get a trouble at home after getting in trouble at school. I know that sounds dumb. Probably is. But I was 12 and unhappy and terrified. I had no coping skills and felt completely alone.

 

[Wolf Girl]

For me, I was 11 or 12 and my parents refused to let me go to school. I knew nothing was going to get better so I decided I had no other option but death. I was right; nothing got better.

 

[lwovely]

For me it was my terrible home life, although my parents were there financially, the emotional aspect was pretty much non existent. My mother kicked me out multiple times throughout my childhood and beat me. During when I was 16 (so like 3 years ago), she kicked me out on my birthday just because I was walking around with my friends. I had to get CPS involved and that didn't even work out because they simply did not care enough to to do anything.

But now what's triggering it even more is that I am worried that I am failing trade school. I am currently going into welding and I am scared that my welds are not up to par. I understand people had the chance to learn earlier but I feel so left behind. I struggle a lot with basic math and I love what I am doing there. It's just I don't know if I can be successful in life especially with my grades right now. Tutors are nonexistent where I live and I just feel like a failure. I just feel like if I CTB sooner then these issues would go away. The only thing that is stopping me is SI since I am afraid of pain.

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

Major depressive disorder episodes started at 18 years old. I'm 55 now. I have had some good years in between but the last couple of years have been unbearable.

 

[-nobodyknows-]

I don't know. It just kind of happened.

 

[grungy自殺]

I can't really recall the moments that i've seriously thought that ending my life would be a option that i can take at any point in the past.

But i can remember that it's mostly moments where i've felt lonely and i didn't have anyone to help me through the struggles that i'm going through...

 

[PeterRabbit28064212]

For me it was during COVID and I felt alone. I was drifting away from my friends then and I felt so helpless. I transferred schools after that so I wrote poems about my suicidal ideations. Looking back, they were quite cringey but they encapsulated how alienated and defeated I felt.

For me the first time was when I was 12 and was being blackmailed into certain situations. I didn't want anyone to find out so I would dream up ways I could die but I was too scared to actually act on most of them (tho I once tried to go out into traffic but an old lady started yelling at me and I got too aware and hesitated.)

 

[measuremeasure]

~8 years old (maybe 7) and learned that people mixing cleaning products together were being found dead in their bathrooms from poison gas and was like. hm. i wish that would happen to me

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I've told this story before but for me it was when I was around 14 or 15 years old. I was playing Fire Emblem Shadow Dragon for the Nintendo DS. This was in fact my first Fire Emblem game so I didn't really care much whenever a party member permanently died. I basically ended up brute forcing my way through the entire campaign with only Marth and a whole team of generic units the game had to give me because literally everyone else was dead. Even at the very last map when you have the option to bring someone back to life, that person ended up dying in the same map anyway.

And still I didn't care. I took down Medeus and congratulated myself for finishing another game. That is until, I got to the credits. See most Fire Emblem games use the credits as a sort of epilogue to see what each character did after the war. Well since I led everyone to their death I was treated to wave after wave after wave of "[Blank] died in Chapter [X] and was lost to the pages of history…" Over and over and over again. And to really hammer it home, once the credits are done there's an epilogue scene where Marth, the only character that has to be alive by the end of the game, was mourning the loss of his potential girlfriend Caeda. I didn't realize she was even supposed to be his girlfriend! I let her die to arrows as soon as I recruited her! This was the moment where I broke down crying. It was my awful tactics that led to Marth feeling such great sorrow. They didn't deserve to die, I did! The guilt of my actions weighed on me so heavily even though they were mere sprites and pixels in a glowing box. This is the moment I first remember really thinking I had to kill myself for what a monster I am. I know it sounds like a joke but to me, it was deathly serious. To me, this is the start of me putting suicide on the table and since then it's always the solution I feel necessary for my evil actions that have hurt real people.

Now I ended up trying a new save, this time with an Action Replay device so I could make it all the way to the end and have everyone live, although there is that canon death where you have to choose between two guys and no matter which one you choose they can't even be brought back to life in the end.

Anyway, that's why I always play Fire Emblem games in casual mode now.

 

[kotonearisato]

I was in elementary school and I had nowhere safe. School was a nightmare due to bullying, and my mother was horribly abusive at home. When I was first learning and beginning to understand what death means when I was in second or third grade, my immediate thought was "when do I get to do that".

 

[maka]

Losing my best friend. She introduced me to what it felt like to not be alone for the first time in my life and then took it all away. Now I can't be alone anymore and it's driving me insane. Id rather die than be alone any longer.

 

[LuneLooper]

I have a weird history with suicidal thoughts. About 6 years ago I wished to die (plan, date, and everything) because I believed that my existance made the world a much worse place (I still do, but it's not my main motive nowadays). Now, I just think that no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, I don't have a place in this world. The world is hard, uncaring, and unfair no matter where in the world you are, and I am simply unable to toughen up.

 

[LunarLight]

When I realized my brain was sick and did not function properly. The fact that I can't enjoy things. I was 10.

 

[etherealspring]

my reason is actually pretty tame. i couldnt see myself having a future and i lacked the will to live, to the point if affected my everyday life. i was fairly young when i came to this realisation and it's steadily been getting worse and worse over the years since then.

 

[pariah80]

When my mother beat me for asking her for help with my homework.

 

[nihilistic_dragon]

When it finally dawned on me that "it gets better" is a lie and christianity is a bullshit man-made cult.

 

[NegevChina]

Major depressive disorder episodes started at 18 years old. I'm 55 now. I have had some good years in between but the last couple of years have been unbearable.

I'm a lot like you, started problems at 25, I'm 57 now, was receiving treatment and had some very good years, but now some health issues caused all my CPTSD to rise back up again and I'm getting worse by the day. Every achievement I made during the years is falling apart. The last months were unbearable and I need to CTB quickly before I also lose my dignity.

 

[Biblom2000]

It has always been my option b, lately it resonates more with me because the older you get and things get worse or worse, suicide doesn't become a bad option.

 

[seasonsdied]

Bad childhood and isolation followed by parental neglect made me give up on life.
I decided in my late teens that I should ctb. Over the last 10 years I've made many attempts to see if it gets better. Since it was only getting worse I stopped talking to people and became a neet. Then after another wave of "maybe I'll live if it's comfortable and I won't be bothered by anyone" tried to get into high paying less work type of jobs but missed by a margin. So I have good paying not so good otherwise job now which I'll use to fund my ctb.
I've been extremely isolated over the last few years so no one will be bothered by my absence.
I hate everything about how my life has been and who I am. This is not the life I choose to live.