I currently order way too much online. I feel horrible on a mental level maybe because of addictive medication withdrawal. The ordering process gives me something to wait for though I hate throwing away money as a coping skill. I send many things back I order inter alia clothes and shoes. I ask myself how often I can repeat that game before getting into trouble. I think most of the things I buy won't make me happy. It gives a dopamine boost and excitement for a short time. I don't allow myself to spend money that often but I am mentally so fucked currently that I run out of coping resources. Being able to wait for something that gets delivered by mail is exciting for me. But it is also a disappointment because I hope that the thing I buy will make me finally happy which basically gets never fulfiled.
For my soul the DFW books I bought is a pain relief. But reading his books can be hard work and requires concentration. The idea of his writing is rather an antidote to consumer unhinged capitalism. A contrast to this short adrenalin and dopamine boost culture with barely any attention span needed. I have an ambivalent attitude towards that. I am interested in technology but I never buy very expensive products because I am fucking anxious about poverty. I have bought me new shorts, a very low quality tablet, a used video game and a used book within the last two months for roundabout 165 euros. One month prior to that I bought me new shoes and a bag because my old ones were more or less broken. For roundabout 100 euros. I ordered again shoes this month but it is likely I will send them back. I torture myself mentally because I spend so much on this lifestyle. However I am somewhat proud that I am okay with a tablet that costed less than 100 euros. My friends still consider me reasonable. I am anxious as fuck about poverty and I think this will drive me to commit suicide. I even simulated poverty for a while however I am glad I stopped that. A friend told me he in my position he would do the opposite enjoying my hobbies as long as I can. And I am glad I listened to him. No matter how much I will be able to save it won't be enough to prevent my suicide.
I grew up in a lower middle class family materially all my needs were fulfiled as a child. I already decreased my standard of living a lot. After my breakdowns I sold like 80% of all my somewhat valuable belongings. I regret to have sold certain things also under value. However in my depression after mania I had the pathological drive to quit my old life so I wanted to give away my stuff. I have now some money on my bank account. I still resell a lot of the games and consoles. I get some money back. My spending is still moderate for the amount of money on my bank account.
However my mom always buys food and grocery etc. And I am used to an extremely expensive eating and drinking lifestyle. I told her thousand times not to buy such expensive stuff but she does not listen to me. I want to adapt me to a lower standard but with her bevahior the shock of barely having any money will be only worse. I think no matter which mental gymnastics I would do I am am just uncapable to live a life in poverty. And honestly I also don't want to live such a life.
It is perverted rich people can really say they care less about money. Because they don't have to ruminate all the time about paying the rent and always calculating how to get by. They have less severe restrictions on how to spend their free time. Whereas poor people have to live with the existential minimum.
DFW's texts are barely about poverty probably because the author never had serious money issues. But my life well. I think enough money could at least postpone my suicide for a while. And maybe even preventing it. But I am not living the illusion that the society really worries about individuals like me. I was in unemployment centres and they treat the people like shit.
My life quality is already so fucking low. Poverty will be the nail in my coffin.
For my soul the DFW books I bought is a pain relief. But reading his books can be hard work and requires concentration. The idea of his writing is rather an antidote to consumer unhinged capitalism. A contrast to this short adrenalin and dopamine boost culture with barely any attention span needed. I have an ambivalent attitude towards that. I am interested in technology but I never buy very expensive products because I am fucking anxious about poverty. I have bought me new shorts, a very low quality tablet, a used video game and a used book within the last two months for roundabout 165 euros. One month prior to that I bought me new shoes and a bag because my old ones were more or less broken. For roundabout 100 euros. I ordered again shoes this month but it is likely I will send them back. I torture myself mentally because I spend so much on this lifestyle. However I am somewhat proud that I am okay with a tablet that costed less than 100 euros. My friends still consider me reasonable. I am anxious as fuck about poverty and I think this will drive me to commit suicide. I even simulated poverty for a while however I am glad I stopped that. A friend told me he in my position he would do the opposite enjoying my hobbies as long as I can. And I am glad I listened to him. No matter how much I will be able to save it won't be enough to prevent my suicide.
I grew up in a lower middle class family materially all my needs were fulfiled as a child. I already decreased my standard of living a lot. After my breakdowns I sold like 80% of all my somewhat valuable belongings. I regret to have sold certain things also under value. However in my depression after mania I had the pathological drive to quit my old life so I wanted to give away my stuff. I have now some money on my bank account. I still resell a lot of the games and consoles. I get some money back. My spending is still moderate for the amount of money on my bank account.
However my mom always buys food and grocery etc. And I am used to an extremely expensive eating and drinking lifestyle. I told her thousand times not to buy such expensive stuff but she does not listen to me. I want to adapt me to a lower standard but with her bevahior the shock of barely having any money will be only worse. I think no matter which mental gymnastics I would do I am am just uncapable to live a life in poverty. And honestly I also don't want to live such a life.
It is perverted rich people can really say they care less about money. Because they don't have to ruminate all the time about paying the rent and always calculating how to get by. They have less severe restrictions on how to spend their free time. Whereas poor people have to live with the existential minimum.
DFW's texts are barely about poverty probably because the author never had serious money issues. But my life well. I think enough money could at least postpone my suicide for a while. And maybe even preventing it. But I am not living the illusion that the society really worries about individuals like me. I was in unemployment centres and they treat the people like shit.
My life quality is already so fucking low. Poverty will be the nail in my coffin.
