What can I do?

[Jessycat2000]

I'm quite desperate. just need to talk, I'm alone since ive stopped working in mid July. Didn't plan any holidays, I'm not able to go out anymore except for buying food for myself and my

I also feel diminished by the use of medication, humiliated at not being able to restore a rational course by my own force of will. The sum of my failures, I realize belatedly, constitutes me. I'm weak, unachieved, dumb.

It has not always been like this, I used to be smart, but I mobilized all my energy fighting these troubles, I never developed my potential. I was only drived by my addictions to deal with my anxieties and feelings of emptiness.

I lost all my friends too. Took distances from family. I couldn't stand seeing them build their lives and stay hanging on to my branch of despair

I already have too many regrets even though I'm only 32 years old..how can I deal with them ? I'd like to reset my life. I don't understand how it has turned irreversible at this point.

I was cute, rather fun and of good company but everyones left. I also would have loved to have kids...Kids are pure. But if I'm thinking to get N it's probably not a good idea. Plus I'm lesbian. One can think what they want but it is a pain to be gay in this society, when I was young it was a source of pride but now I realize how much it can contribute to my isolation. My life isn't mapped out like straight people. Most lesbian girls don't want kids or monogamous relationships.

What can I do ?

Catch the bus ?

I've been struggling for so many years to abandon now

 

[Euthanza]

It seems you haven't really decide to CTB, probably there's still some hopes and dreams waiting to be fulfilled before you can go light heartedly. May be you can try new job or move to another city to start fresh and see again from there if you can change your mind. It has to be you who decide what's next. It will be immoral for me to suggest CTB while you're still in the deciding process and I know exactly CTBing is not easy in many circumstances. But here you are on SS, you have the choices to make or at least learn something from here, probably you can use the knowledge in the future.

 

[jossstick]

I couldn't stand seeing them build their lives and stay hanging on to my branch of despair

I can relate to a lot of what you've said, though with different circumstances. This sentence caught my attention because of the way you wrote it. Just my opinion, but until you know you're definitely ready to ctb, my suggestion would be to start writing because I reckon you have hidden talents. It doesn't have to be for anyone but you, but it might help in some way and put different perspectives on things.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you are going through all this. This life really is so tiring and I know that it's hard to carry on when you suffer. I hope that in whatever happens, you find relief.