Fadeawaaaay
Visionary
- Nov 12, 2021
- 2,159
-
Hey Guest,
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Globl mod - Info abt typng styl on prfle.
- Sep 26, 2021
- 2,400
viniboi9
Member
- Nov 16, 2021
- 26
- Family suppressing my emotions and emotionally abusing me during childhood. Now I'm a broken lump of shit.
- being unable to live with myself and the things I've done to hurt others
- the state of the world and my life experience - tonnes of suffering
- feeling like everything will be better long term once I'm out of the picture
- autism, bpd, ocd, drug addiction, severe depression
Just hate to see my loved ones dying and leaving one by one due to old age or illness. It's too painful to continue living in this world.
RIPwednesdayadams
Member
- Dec 17, 2021
- 9
I've been depressed for as long as I can remember. Nothing helps. I was raped two different times when I was younger by two close male friends- one was my best friend. I didn't report it because this was 10+ years ago when sexual assault was next to impossible to prove and it likely would have turned into a "he said she said". that was my one friend's intention all along, he went around telling people we were dating even though that was a complete lie. he had a crush on me and i didn't feel the same way. i told him gently that i preferred his friendship and we continued to hang out (I wasn't aware that he was going around spreading lies.)
he would get extremely wasted at my house and then threaten to drive home drunk unless i let him sleep in my bed. i was so confused, i didn't know what to do. this was my best friend it genuinely hurt me that he was hurting and i didn't want him to die or kill someone else. now i know he was just being a manipulative piece of shit who had sexually assaulted several girls I knew before we met. none of us ever spoke of it out of fear, he was extremely popular in our friend group and we all thought we were alone and we were teenagers. ugh, so yeah, he would force me to let him sleep in my bed. I would sleep in all my clothes with a winter jacket on because i was trying not to lead him on in any way.
one night, my friends took me out for my bday and he was among them. he kept forcing shots and beers on me and I drank so much I passed out. everyone let him drive me home drunk, carry me up the stairs in front of my "friends", put me in bed, took my clothes off and raped me while I was passed out. I didn't wake up until the next morning. I was completely naked, sore down there, and he was sleeping naked next to me. I immediately stated losing my shit and said "wtf? you raped me?" I always made it 100% clear I was not interested in him that way and we would never have sex because he would get wasted and constantly try to get me to have sex with him.
I was so disgusted with him and all he did was get dressed and say "you're making me feel bad so I'm going to leave." After that I decided I didn't want to be a victim and didn't think anyone would believe me so I buried that shit deep. Turns out when you do that it just destroys you in other ways. He stalked me for months after that, always showing up at places where I was hanging out, when I started dating someone months later he kicked my front door in and tried to slap my bf and my bf beat the shit out of him. Like the little bitch that he is, as he was running away he stomped on my bf's expensive bike wheel completely taco'ing it.
He stopped showing up at my house and other olaces where I was but he would drunkenly call me and tell me he was going to kill himself and it was my fault. obviously I had stopped giving af after he raped me. That was one of the worst things that has happened to me but if I'm being honest my entire life has been one horrible year after another. Every day I wish for death. My state has some of the strictest gun laws in the nation and you can't buy one if you have ever been treated for psych problems so I'm shit out of luck there.
Luckily I found an old website with directions on how to make an exit bag. It's supposed to be for cancer patients who want to end their suffering but it's perfect for me. I didn't want to traumatize whoever finds me so hanging wasn't an option nor was slitting my wrists (takes too long- i know this personally), even if I could somehow get a gun it wouldn't be pretty and I feel horrible for the train conductors who are messed up from people jumping in front of their trains. I wish there was an even cheaper, easier way than the exit bag but I don't have a car or a garage so that's out too. I'm not religious but I wish for a brain aneurysm every day.
It would be bette for my family emotionally and financially if i died from something like that instead of killing myself. I'm at the point where life has been unbearable for years, i don't hangout with anyone and spend all my time not working in my room alone. I don't know how much longer I can hold out and I'm sick of waiting for my family to die so I can kill myself.
It's so messed up that the world basically forces you to stay alive even if your life is horrible. or the media/people who don't have a clue blame sites like this for people committing suicide instead of the horrible state of the world. i'm saddled with so much debt from college, have always been overworked and underpaid, never take trips or go on vacation because I can't afford it. So I'm just stuck in this monotonous life that I hate because I don't want to make my parents more miserable than they already are.
he would get extremely wasted at my house and then threaten to drive home drunk unless i let him sleep in my bed. i was so confused, i didn't know what to do. this was my best friend it genuinely hurt me that he was hurting and i didn't want him to die or kill someone else. now i know he was just being a manipulative piece of shit who had sexually assaulted several girls I knew before we met. none of us ever spoke of it out of fear, he was extremely popular in our friend group and we all thought we were alone and we were teenagers. ugh, so yeah, he would force me to let him sleep in my bed. I would sleep in all my clothes with a winter jacket on because i was trying not to lead him on in any way.
one night, my friends took me out for my bday and he was among them. he kept forcing shots and beers on me and I drank so much I passed out. everyone let him drive me home drunk, carry me up the stairs in front of my "friends", put me in bed, took my clothes off and raped me while I was passed out. I didn't wake up until the next morning. I was completely naked, sore down there, and he was sleeping naked next to me. I immediately stated losing my shit and said "wtf? you raped me?" I always made it 100% clear I was not interested in him that way and we would never have sex because he would get wasted and constantly try to get me to have sex with him.
I was so disgusted with him and all he did was get dressed and say "you're making me feel bad so I'm going to leave." After that I decided I didn't want to be a victim and didn't think anyone would believe me so I buried that shit deep. Turns out when you do that it just destroys you in other ways. He stalked me for months after that, always showing up at places where I was hanging out, when I started dating someone months later he kicked my front door in and tried to slap my bf and my bf beat the shit out of him. Like the little bitch that he is, as he was running away he stomped on my bf's expensive bike wheel completely taco'ing it.
He stopped showing up at my house and other olaces where I was but he would drunkenly call me and tell me he was going to kill himself and it was my fault. obviously I had stopped giving af after he raped me. That was one of the worst things that has happened to me but if I'm being honest my entire life has been one horrible year after another. Every day I wish for death. My state has some of the strictest gun laws in the nation and you can't buy one if you have ever been treated for psych problems so I'm shit out of luck there.
Luckily I found an old website with directions on how to make an exit bag. It's supposed to be for cancer patients who want to end their suffering but it's perfect for me. I didn't want to traumatize whoever finds me so hanging wasn't an option nor was slitting my wrists (takes too long- i know this personally), even if I could somehow get a gun it wouldn't be pretty and I feel horrible for the train conductors who are messed up from people jumping in front of their trains. I wish there was an even cheaper, easier way than the exit bag but I don't have a car or a garage so that's out too. I'm not religious but I wish for a brain aneurysm every day.
It would be bette for my family emotionally and financially if i died from something like that instead of killing myself. I'm at the point where life has been unbearable for years, i don't hangout with anyone and spend all my time not working in my room alone. I don't know how much longer I can hold out and I'm sick of waiting for my family to die so I can kill myself.
It's so messed up that the world basically forces you to stay alive even if your life is horrible. or the media/people who don't have a clue blame sites like this for people committing suicide instead of the horrible state of the world. i'm saddled with so much debt from college, have always been overworked and underpaid, never take trips or go on vacation because I can't afford it. So I'm just stuck in this monotonous life that I hate because I don't want to make my parents more miserable than they already are.
Niko66
Specialist
- Dec 6, 2021
- 352
Lifelong depression and anxiety, nothing seems to make it better. I am on the spectrum and can't fit in and feel out of place in this world, rapidly increasing chronic physical issues make life more unbearable too. Professional help only has ever made things worse, I am so anhedonic I can't enjoy anything anymore... It's a life of pain and rejection with little to nothing good. I am also queer in a conservative 3rd world country and was abused and neglected growing up by my parents. And I find this world cruel and mostly horrible to everyone except a lucky few. I hate the systems we have now, I hate where we are as a society. I hate this reality, myself and people as a collective.
Last edited:
Samsara
Experienced
- Mar 9, 2020
- 246
1. Chronic feelings of emptiness and loneliness
2. Years of treatment-resistant depression - anhedonia is worst
3. Debt
4. BPD
5. Belief things won't get better
2. Years of treatment-resistant depression - anhedonia is worst
3. Debt
4. BPD
5. Belief things won't get better
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